2014 approaches

As the year comes to a close, I find myself thinking back over it all.

How clichéd. But true.

I look at the last year and I see my triumphs and my failures and I wonder what I can do differently. I see new friendships and potential relationships. I see chances taken, and moments of heartache. I see some still have potential, but a lack of interest on their side.

I am at peace lately. I think a great weight has been lifted from my soul recently. I finally feel like I am where I need to be. I am who I need to be. I am stronger and more ready for everything in my life than I have ever been before. I am really and truly ready for the new year and all the promise it holds.

Which is why I set a goal for myself that, frankly, scares the hell out of me. I want to have a third date. I want a first date to go so well, he asks for a second. And then the second is lovely, so we agree to a third. This would be a miracle for many reasons. I haven't been asked on a date in over a decade, and I've never had a second.

I have absolutely no idea how to make this happen. In the end, it doesn't have much to do with me. It has to do with "him"--with the men out there. They're going to have to step up. I haven't had any luck with the online dating site(s), ever, so I'm certainly not planning on using them, or anything like it. I have a friend who continuously pushes me towards local giant singles events, but that seems like a waste of time--I would merely become the wallflower, completely unnoticed yet again, always overlooked. I don't know. I'm more social now than I've been in years, if not ever, and I'm out there. Some would say I need to be even more out there and really push myself into circles.

But that's not me. I don't want to meet someone under what I feel would be false pretenses. I don't want to be somewhere I would normally never be, acting like someone I am not. And I don't want to date just anyone. He's gotta be someone I actually want to date. That should go without saying, but some women do date guys just to date guys. But that's not me. Eventually, I want love and forever. That simple.

So, hello 2014, welcome, welcome. Let's see how friendly we can be.

This time of year...

I work in retail. This is my 17th Christmas in it, and it's rough at times. Add onto the stresses of work, I often get inundated with how this time of year is for romance, love, and being with that special someone. It doesn't make things any easier.

On top of that, at my favorite Star Trek convention, I had one of the flirtiest encounters with Hates-Cats. I mean all day Saturday. I guess it technically started at 3 am when he messaged me "I hardly saw you at all today!!"--which could have been saying he missed me. But just in case it was his sarcasm at play, I replied, "Aren't you the lucky one!" Ha, good cover there. Yeah, I'm clever.

At any rate, all day Saturday was full of the usual harassment between us, with flirty undertones. Even a friend was like, "get on that, girl!" As if it's ever that easy. I really think that he and I could be a freaking adorable Trekkie couple. But the whole cats thing could really put a damper on that. I cannot imagine life without a cat.

After being at the convention all day, we all happened to be leaving at the same time and the banter continued. Then when he got home, we were messaging for a while. I told him I was meeting some people for breakfast, if he wanted to join us. He made it sound as if he wasn't likely to join because he might sleep in a bit. Then, in the morning, we were all seated and I messaged him in case he was awake and wanted to join us. "We'll see," he replied. A minute later, he walked in and sat beside me.

The harassment continued through Sunday, even into the evening when we were both home. And into Monday afternoon when I was *ahem* at work. Don't get me wrong; I do not have any real hopes for anything other than the flirting with Hates-Cats. It's fun and exciting and "practice" I suppose. At the same time, if he did suddenly seem genuinely interested and wanted to date, I'm gonna "get on that". Rawr, or something.

On a completely different note, someone on Trekkies Dating messaged me on November 26 and then promptly deleted their account. What the what?

Mr. Know-It-All

We all have that friend. The one who always knows better than us. Always. The one that truly means well, but also truly thinks he can solve all your troubles if you'd only do as he says.

The guy I know met his now-wife online, after ten years of online dating sites and all of that. Therefore, he's decided that's what I need to do. Well, I am on a dating site--Trekkies Dating. And I've had the same amount of luck on there as I've had on other dating sites. Which would be nothing. A few messages exchanged in the last year. One completely inappropriate conversation that I shut down very fast. And one conversation started by someone too far away who seems decent, so I replied...and didn't get any reply back.

It's hard putting yourself out there, no matter the technique you choose. It's even harder when you've been rejected, Friend-zoned, lead on, or flat out mocked. It's hard when you know that you're supposedly what geeky guys are looking for, but they never seem to want you.

So to have Mr. Know-It-All turn every idle conversation into a debate on dating and why everything I'm doing is wrong, can be aggravating. Infuriating. He will question me, argue, debate, harangue...then say, "I don't get it. You're so cute, funny, smart and geeky. There must be something else wrong with you."

Yes. That's right. His conclusion is that I'm only single because there must be something wrong with me.

Thank God he let me know. I mean, I could have been living a life that was totally wrong and all messed up because I wasn't following Mr. Know-It-All's guidelines to dating!! Holy snot, I'm glad he lets me know so often!!

According to him, I need to join a ton of groups and clubs and expand my circle of people I know, because that increases my statistical chances at meeting someone. I also need to unlock my FB, and not be friends-only because a friend of his wants to email me. (Non-friends can email me, it simply goes into another folder. Also, his friend did email me and it was a stumbling, rambling mess of misspellings that longed for some punctuation and I am not replying. He used the wrong "their", okay. No. No no. NO.) I flat out told him that my FB is set up to be for my friends, and people I have entrusted with a glimpse into my life. I am not going to allow some complete stranger into that. I must meet people face to face and judge them to be worthy (with the rare exception, like those who can be vouched for by others I do know.)

At any rate, we went around and around and around until I was quite annoyed with him. Especially when he ended the entire chat with the same conclusion. "Must be something wrong with you."

I vented to Second Guy about that and he told me there's nothing wrong with me, except I tell really bad jokes. I can accept that. I love a terrible pun, I admit it. But the important thing is that someone closer to my age that has found me attractive in the past says there's nothing wrong with me.

My conclusion: Mr. Know-It-All lucked out finding a lady in his searches. Because if I followed his advice, and ended up meeting someone like him, I might be in jail for assault. Also, and most importantly, I am freaking awesome. There is nothing wrong with me except my own insecurities sometimes. And anyone who does know anything will agree.

Don't lie to be "nice"

"If I were single, I'd totally be after you..."

Guys, never EVER say this to your single female friends. Especially if there is any form of attraction between you. Because guess what, if you become single, she's going to remember that conversation and there's going to be a stupid spark of hope. Even though she knows better. It's there. And it hurts when you give the "friends speech" and say you just need time and some space to get your head on right...which also hints at maybe more.

But ultimately, when you do start dating, and your single female friend isn't the choice...well...ouch.

So when Second Guy and I were making some tentative plans to hang out yesterday, I still had that far-off spark of hope. I wasn't holding my breath, as I've said, but the attraction was still there. We have a lot of fun together. But he's indecisive and frustrating as hell, too. So when he said on Friday that he couldn't hang out, I was fine with it. I turned the day into a Me Day. Went to the movies, took a bubble bath, shaved my legs, read, watched Netflix, annoyed the cat...

Then I get on Facebook today and find out that the reason Second Guy couldn't hang out was because he had a date. It hurt. It shouldn't have, but it did. And it pissed me off. And then sent me a load of self-loathing because, geez, why would I have been his first choice. Oh, and when did he decide he was ready to date again? Did I give him too much space? Too much time?

And at the same time, why the hell do I care??

Oh. Right. Hope. Stupid stupid hope.

and PMS.

I think I need another cup of coffee.

History--a long one

I've been thinking about writing my Star Trek testimonial, as it were. It will explore a great deal of my life, since I have been enamored of it for two thirds of it. In other words, this is going to be a long entry. You better get some popcorn and get comfy.

I discovered Star Trek in the summer of 1991. This part is a simple story I've told a million times. Mom and I were going to watch a movie, and I flipped through the channels while waiting on the popcorn. I was a big kid (11 years old) and therefore, I was going to get to stay up late (midnight!!) and watch a movie with Mom. I paused on a channel and this is all I know: it was Star Trek and I saw Spock. I believe everyone was on the Bridge. I have no idea which episode it was. I just have vague memories of watching different episodes from then on.

I remember watching Kirk fall in love with Miramanee, somehow knowing it was doomed from the start. How could he leave his ship and friends? He'd get his memory back and be back, no problem. Another time, Scotty was accused of murder and I knew that wasn't true and I adored him and he didn't do it, you understand?! Then Spock killed Kirk and I waited on the edge of my seat to find out how they would fix that one and I remember giggling when Spock smiled and it was genuine!

From there, I found out that there had been 5 movies put out and a 6th one was going to be out that December! Then, I found The Next Generation...the 25th anniversary special showed me how much I had been missing out and I was fascinated by these conventions and how people actually dressed up like these characters and how cool was that?? So many people around the world loved Star Trek as much as I did, and more?

Then, the biggest thing ever: I discovered the novels. Mom brought me the first--Home is the Hunter. A whole new level to these brave new worlds opened up before me. I was hooked on these stories. I understood that they were not considered canon before I had ever heard the term. I didn't care. I ate them up. My collection grew over the years as Deep Space Nine and Voyager came along, and eventually Enterprise, and all the movies. But let's focus on the books and their impact on me for a bit.

Star Trek showed me that I was a writer at heart. That I actually had a real talent that was all my own. I wrote what could be called my first FanFic that first Christmas, in 1991. It wasn't long; it wasn't well thought out or planned; and I had a Mary-Sue character involved in it. But, my mother said that it was very good and that I had captured the voices of Kirk, Spock and McCoy. She's a voracious reader and a tad picky and I knew a great compliment when I heard one. So, at age 12, I discovered writing. Because of Star Trek.

I also discovered collecting because I didn't want to give up my books. I traded in all my Nancy Drews and anything else I didn't care about all that much and got more Star Trek books. I think I had nearly 30 books within the following two years. No small feat in a tiny town in Oklahoma. I also had a giant cup from 7-11 that I found purely by chance, half buried in a thick mud puddle. I remember digging it out and smearing the mud away and seeing Spock's face. Over the years, the collection has grown and my Star Trek books fill 3 bookcases. In comparison, my non-Trek books fill one.

I was exposed to Shakespeare early on by references made in Star Trek. By the time I had to read Julius Caesar (my first Shakespeare) in 8th grade, I was prepared. It was a double-edged sword, too. As I read more Shakespeare in later years, I recognized and understood more references in Star Trek. They are intertwined in a way that is just beautiful to me. I'm definitely a fan of Shakespeare, thought certainly not to the same extent as Star Trek.

At fifteen, all I wanted for my birthday was an electric typewriter. I received it (despite financial woes) and one of the first things I ever started writing on it was a Star Trek: TNG novel. I never finished it, but I remember the excitement of writing a few pages and having my Mom or sisters read and enjoy them. My passion for writing and my passion for Star Trek are very much interconnected, too. Are you sensing a theme?

I went to my first convention on December 10, 1994. William Shatner was there and I was thrilled beyond belief. The excitement, the costumes, the vendors, the sheer enormity of being in a convention center with so many other people who shared my love of Star Trek was overwhelming. There was simply too much to see, too much to coo over and drool for...we weren't well-off financially, so this was my giant Christmas present that year. It was magical. I felt like it was a once in a lifetime event.

When the bullies wouldn't leave me alone in high school, I would bury my nose in my current Star Trek book and hope that they'd go away. I'd been taught that if you ignored them, bullies would leave you alone, eventually. It worked sometimes, but often, it didn't. They then would begin making fun of my book choices. Or steal my book away--a heart wrenching moment of pure fear each time.

When the bullies in my Math class decided it was fun to mock me, steal my purse, or put things into my bookbag, I stared at the blank pages of a brand new spiral notebook and began to write in them...a story that would become my greatest Star Trek fiction undertaking. I had high hopes of it being a novel, possibly published, but years later, I came to realize that it was pure Mary-Sue and that put such a damper on the thrill of it that I haven't touched it in years. But it's still there, in the back of my head. Maybe I'll publish it on the internet as a massive FanFic.

Skipping forward a few years, I was able to make many friends because of Star Trek. I was reading Sarek by Ann Crispin in college and a guy approached me to talk about it. He was also a huge Trekkie and told me a convention was going to be in town that summer. I met him there and we've been friends for all of these years. A few years after that, I was a member of a few online clubs and met a girl who lead me to my first Star Trek club...and to the first convention I would attend in Indianapolis. That was in 2001, and then I missed a few years, but I started attending every year in 2005.

Star Trek is even connected to my love life. I met my first real boyfriend at that convention in Indy. I, uh, also met my second boyfriend there. I used to joke that I could never meet a guy at a Star Trek convention because he'd just be too weird, ha ha. Well, actually, while there are always going to be those that are very weird and somewhat annoying, there are so many amazing people there too. I made friends and because I attended every year, I became a regular; a recognizable face. I met some dear friends there who were integral in  my big move.

I hated living in Ohio. I wasn't quiet on the subject and for years, I dreamt of moving away...but where would I go? I finally realized that Indianapolis was ideal. But none of my attempts to break free and get there were working out. So I kept dreaming. That local fan club I was a member of? I became the First Officer eventually. I ran meetings and conversations, despite my fear of public speaking and being in charge. Of course, years of retail management teaches you tricks, too. I was once wooed and went on a date with a fellow I met because I was wearing a Star Trek t-shirt at work. It didn't work out past that initial first date, of course, but he did give me a Majel Barret (widow of Gene Roddenbery, creator of Star Trek) autograph.

In 2006, that guy I met in college took me to the huge 40th anniversary convention in Las Vegas. His boyfriend had cancelled on him at the last second and since everything was already paid for, I just needed spending cash. I had a blast and actually saw Majel Barret in person--she even touched my arm and gave me a genteel smile.

Back at the Indy convention in the year 2010 while walking through the vendor room, I encountered someone who would change everything. "My band is doing a song for every episode of the Original Series of Star Trek," he explained. I bought the CD, but distracted by Christmas in Retail-land and other things, I didn't give it a listen until a few months later. And everything clicked into place. I had shows, movies, books, posters, audio-dramas, parodies, conventions, t-shirts, DVDs...what I was missing was Star Trek music. And I had found it. And it was wonderful.

I was hooked on Five Year Mission almost from the start. I had songs stuck in my head within the first few weeks. I rarely took the CD out of my car player. Actually, that's still true. There was humor and sly nitpicking and an absolute pure love of the show in every song. I had found such a treasure. By the time their second CD, cleverly named Year Two, came out, I was known as their Number Two Fan. Number One was a young girl who had proven her love for them already and I have no problem being second. She and I hit it off and text often, sometimes just to gossip about the guys in the band.

Several months after Year Two was released, someone broke into my car and stole all of my CDs. Including all 3 of my Five Year Mission albums (one was a single released before Year Two). I was heartbroken about those CDs. The rest in my car had been car copies and I could easily burn new copies. But not those. They were autographed and so special to me. The guys said they'd take care of it and I received a special package in the mail. Both Year One and Year Two--autographed by everyone--and a few other small gifts were included.

I have so much affection for Five Year Mission. At first, it was mostly because of the Star Trek connection. But then I started really talking to them, attending a few shows and driving long distances to see them. I met the wives; I was one of the first to find out one of them was expecting the first Next Generation. I brought them homemade cookies and joked with them and told stories and some of them harassed the hell out of me--a sure sign of affection. But it's not just that. The music itself is amazing: fun, beautiful, soulful and so perfect to each episode. Listening to their CDs for the first few times inevitably leads to watching those episodes again. And watching an episode means having a great song stuck in my head during it all.

Finally, last year, everything in my life just clicked and fell into place. I now live in Indy, the homebase for my favorite convention and for my favorite Star Trek band. I actually get to go to almost every show and I have hung out with the guys and their families outside of shows. I am not just a fan; I'm a friend. They put out a special CD of 5 different versions of The Trouble with Tribbles and I was thanked in the liner!! On the one hand, these are my friends, but on the other hand...I'm an overwhelmed fangirl who can almost cry out of pure joy to know that I get to be connected to that, to them. At the Indy convention, I met a fellow 5YM fan who ended up becoming a very dear friend and if it wasn't for him and his family, I wouldn't have been able to move here.

Facebook has put me in touch with many of my favorite Star Trek authors. Imagine having a brief interaction with someone who wrote the book that you fawned over in high school or college. Imagine becoming very close friends with one of the authors; even to the point of visiting and staying with him and his! Some would pause and say that Facebook is a magical place. But phooey on them! I say that it's because of Star Trek and the intensely loyal community that has grown from its fandom.

To sum things up, I discovered my ability to write because of Star Trek; I made most of my friends because of Star Trek; I live in the city I love because of Star Trek; I escaped into Star Trek when the bullies were on my case...all in all, I am the person I am today because I am a Trekkie. And yes, it's Trekkie--don't let the haters fool you into thinking Trekker is the preferred term. It's not. Not by me. I know I'm missing some things about my life that were influenced by Star Trek, but I think I hit enough of the highlights here. Star Trek isn't just a show that was on nearly over 40 years ago. It's a doorway to other worlds; to friendships; to self-discovery and growth.

Just Two Words

Some different answers occurred to me, for varying reasons and thoughts.

Hold on.

Trek on.

Embrace Nerd-dom.

Not him.

Or him.

Just you.

Get out.

Move on.

Be brave.

Fight harder.

It's you.

Chubby Chasers

My sister and I were discussing the term BBW over the weekend. She said there are so many other terms to use instead of "big" that would work. She had a valid point, but it brought to mind something I seriously dislike.

Chubby Chasers.

These are the men who want big women, merely for the fact that she's big. They could care less about personality or health. They just want their women large. They have turned fat into a fetish. I find that just as disturbing as someone who only wants a girl who tans until she's orange. It's about the outside, the façade to these men.

I don't care for chubby chasers. You find me attractive? Okay, great, but it better be for more reasons than being chubby. You like a curvy girl, fine, but you better like a smart one. Big boobs, yep...and a smart ass. You may think you can handle me, but you won't get a chance if all you wanna do is handle me.

In other words, you better like me for me. The physical stuff just tags along.

Surprise, Surprise

Well, I had dinner with Second Guy tonight. I wanted us to do something in September because of both of our birthdays. But he's one who poo-poos the whole birthday thing. Plus his whole financial excuse, etc. I suggested that he could come over here and I'd cook dinner and we could hang out and catch up.

And we did. It was lovely and he even said a few times that he wished he'd been able (I did not roll my eyes) to come over more throughout the summer. I understand the majority of it. He was still going through crap with the ex, still recovering and trying to relocate himself. I get that; I do. Then he was very busy with conventions, etc. Understandable. It's the other moments and piles of poop I won't put up with again. I think we're past that and we might actually get to hang out more often again. That would be nice, having another friend to see on a semi-regular basis.

Speaking of exes, thought. Through a series of oopsies on my part, I discovered I'd put someone on SPAM in my phone's texts. The only one I'd done that to on purpose was my ex. Well, going into that folder to restore her messages showed me something I was just shocked by: my ex has sent so many texts. He sent a lot in June, none in July or August, and then they picked up again around my birthday. Mostly, he whines about wanting us to be together. Then he talks about me breaking my promise to wait for him (let's not get into the promises he made and broke repeatedly). And then he insults me. Oh, yeah, baby, I wanna get back with ya now.

Uh. No.

Anyway, I'm glad Second Guy and I are comfortable and friendly again. I still think he's super cute, but I'm not making any moves. And this time, it's not because I'm a chicken.

Um. Yeah.

So, I juts re-read my last entry and I have one conclusion: Never blog while tipsy. Other than the wine, I'd also had a rum and Coke. I was also pissed off at Second Guy. Obviously.

At any rate, I never did get to hang out with him last week during my vacation. But, in the end, I did have a lot of time to just relax and be lazy...and also to exercise with my new Belly-dancing DVD. It was a very nice and relaxing vacation and when I started back on Monday, I was ready to kick butt and take names.

I haven't had much to say on here as of late. I've gotten the worst of my rants out, I fear, and until I have any prospects, or real dates...there's not much to talk about. Oh, I could whine about being lonely, or my daily thoughts. But they're awfully repetitive. And it all sums up in one question:

Where are you?

Grrrrr

Maybe it's the wine talking, but it really pisses me off when you tell me you're too poor to meet me for drinks, and you probably shouldn't drink anyway because you've had so much lately, and oh, do try to ignore that you've been tagged at 2 bars this week with friends.

Oooooh, right. I'm not someone you wanna hang out with. Got it. At the least, you could say so. Grow a pair.

And Grrr.

Frustrating

Donna: You're not saying much.     
The Doctor: No, it's just— It's a funny old life. In the TARDIS.
Donna: You don't want me.     
The Doctor: I'm not saying that.     
Donna: But you asked me. would you rather be on your own?     
The Doctor: No. Actually no. But. The last time, with Martha—like I said, it got complicated. And that was all my fault. I just want a mate.     
Donna: You just want to mate?!     
The Doctor: I just want a mate. 
Donna: Well you're not mating with me, sunshine!     
The Doctor: A mate! I just want a mate.   
The Friend Zone. Been there Donna. The difference is that she wanted that. And Second Guy is a huge Doctor Who fan, even dresses like him sometimes, and when I watched this, I saw our conversations.
    
Donna: Well it's just as well, because I'm not having any of that nonsense. I mean you're just a long streak of... nothing! Alien nothing.     
The Doctor: There we are then. 

This last bit where she's talking about how thin he is makes me laugh. I understand that one, too. I've always said I couldn't date a man who was too thin--I'd hate to look like the number 10 when standing next to him.

I think, out of all the Companions, I relate most to Donna. Stumbling through life, trying her best, but not getting very far...until some day, everything falls into place and her true worth comes shining through...

Maybe some day I'll be the most important woman in the universe, too. At least to someone.

It's so very frustrating to have so much to offer, but no one seems to want it.

Relaxing and Changing

I don't like being bullied, no matter how good they think their intentions are. Harassed, hounded, pursued. It's not pleasant; it's not nice; it's not fun. I was bullied growing up and I covered that some in another post, so I won't reiterate. Instead, I'll talk about what prompted this today.

My former Pastor, whom I adore, was just messaging me on Facebook. You see, before I moved away, I wasn't able to attend church regularly in over four years. Even less the last of those, due to working for a woman we called "Hitler". She flat out told me that if I restricted my availability to not include working Sundays, then I could forget getting 40 hours a week. I needed 40 a week--I still do!!--to barely get by financially in life. I would get maybe 4 or 5 Sundays off a year and those were usually for weekends I was going out of town! So I still didn't go to church.

I went through some really bad times in those years. Most of 2009 was spent in a deep, dark depression. I barely got out of it with my life intact. I was very angry with the world, and with God. I felt He'd betrayed me. I had been the Goody-Two-Shoes Super Christian Girl for my entire life, and yet I was never rewarded. We were taught that you do what you're supposed to because you're supposed to; because God said so--and not to be rewarded, but it would be nice to get some kind of assurance that what you're doing is right. And that included going to church. I often balked at that, even at the most Goody of my times in life. I never felt that I needed to go to church--I didn't need the fellowship, or social activity. My Faith was between me and God and I liked it that way. It wasn't anyone's business but mine. I hated talking about it, explaining it, or defending it. And I always thought that made me a bad Christian.

When I came out of the depression, I was changed. My relationship with God was strained and it was a long while before I could talk to Him. Eventually, that got better. When things around me changed--my job, my environment, my attitude--and everything became so much better, I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I was finally becoming the Me I'd always wanted to be. And I found that I liked having a church to go to if I wanted to, but that I didn't have that desire, still. It's nice to know it's there if I feel like I need to surround myself with those people, and the familiar old adages and precepts I grew up on. But for the most part, they're all a part of me already. They helped form me into Me.

Because I'm finally comfortable with Me and who/what I am, I've become more relaxed. I'm not as adamant and picky about everything. I am not hateful in my approach to life--and honestly, that's how I see some people approaching everything with their Faith held out like a bastion of RIGHT; whether they are or not...what happened to kindness and letting God be the judge?

I'm a Christian, yes, and always will be. I've seen too much, been through too much, to ever lose that Faith. It is a part of me; a basic, fundamental part of me, yes. It defines me to some degree, but I refuse to let it negate everything else about me.

How does this relate to my blog about being in the dating world? Well, I was brought up with the understanding that I could only date Christians. That was basically the ONLY rule my parents had about dating. And I carried it over into adult-hood. But I found that time and again, the boys would say anything to get a date and therefore, were conveniently always Christian. Not to say I had many dates, because I really didn't. It wasn't like I was turning them away because they weren't Christians.

These days? I want a Geeky man. One who shares all of my passions and can geek out over things--be it Sci-Fi stuff like my beloved Star Trek, or about being a Christian, too. But instead of it being a "rule", it's more of a desired-quality. I'm not as gung-ho about it as a requirement. I'm not so desperate to think that it's not important, it's just not the be-all or end-all. If that makes sense. If any of my blogs do, as I ramble along about my own brain's processes and zig-zags.

The bullying I mentioned before? My former Pastor was saying that I needed to get a local church, become a member, etc. The way he phrased it made it sound like what I was supposed to do was hand my life over to them to control. I balked again. I just don't feel the need to go as often as some people think you should. I did the most mature thing I could think or and just walked away from the conversation.

Kinda knew...

So here it is, my birthday...and Second Guy backed out of our plans. It's so hard to even make plans with him, unless I know he's going to be somewhere and I just show up. For example, at Gen Con and there was a show where I saw a band he didn't even know I knew...both times I would have been there no matter what, of course.
 
I was on my way home when I got his text. He feels he's been too social, and therefore drank too much the last two weeks, and has also run out of funds, and shouldn't go out. Ok, I understand that, but at the same time, when we "firmed up" our plans the other day, it would have been nice if he'd said something more like, "I might not be able to go out on Monday, but I'll let you know if I'm available another day." Ya know, instead of the "Yeah, I can do that." Oy.
 
But that's the biggest problem with Second Guy. Indecision. Inability to choose what he wants...maybe he's still just really confused and messed up from his ex. It's totally possible. I mean, you think you know exactly what you want and think she's on the same page, when you suddenly get hit over the head with her changing her mind and saying everything you knew was a lie. *shrug* It's tough...

Anyway, frustrating. Really. Yeah.

Birthday Vacation

So, I am now on vacation for my 34th birthday. I'll be traveling back to my family in Ohio, going to the Ohio Ren Fest and having a family birthday dinner before I come back Monday. And on Monday evening, I'm supposed to meet Second Guy for drinks. I'm not holding onto much hope that there could be a romance between us anymore, but his birthday is in September too, and we don't get to see each other much, so at least I'm being social and friendly-like. And if he changed his mind in the future and wanted to try that whole dating thing, well, I wouldn't object.

Soulmates

I've always struggled with the concept of Soulmates. Oh sure, there's bound to be someone out there who is the right combination of likes and dislikes to be a great partner for me. But what about the idea that there's only ONE in the entire world? It sounds like a romantic plot device--if there's only one then when it doesn't work out, they weren't The One...and you move on. But what if that One lives on the other side of the planet and works 60 hours a week and you never actually meet? Ever?

This leads to the idea (hope) that there can be more than just One. But then you have to wonder how many there are? A dozen? And if you have a dozen failed relationships under your belt, does that mean you shouldn't try anymore? What if it's the same problem? Sure, there are a dozen chances for you out there...but not one of them lives within 1000 miles of you.

And what about when you're wrong? What about when you love someone so deeply, you are utterly convinced they are your Soulmate and there's nothing that anyone or anything can do to make you change your mind...until you do. And at the same time, maybe they WERE a Soulmate, but they screwed up so badly, you cannot reconcile the schisms in your soul now.

Does that mean your Soul has changed and therefore, your Soulmate may be someone completely different that you would never have been with before the schisms?

Some would say to just chill out, relax, let it happen, you'll meet someone someday...but what if you're not looking and you miss your chance? What if you get hung up on someone you think might be a One, you end up missing the actual One that just walked by?

Soulmates sounds like predestination, but when you start asking these questions, it really sounds more like a chance encounter. More like, you just never know. You cannot know the when, the how, or the who. You just live your life with awareness and somehow keep that hope alive.

First Look

Today I experienced something for the first time. I finished my exercise and then I stripped down to take a shower. I stood for a moment, eyeing my body in the mirror. Same hair, same face I've had a while. Then my eyes moved lower and I turned to the side, seeing how the weight loss has affected my breasts and stomach.

That's when it hit me. I wasn't glaring, frowning, or even just looking matter-of-factly at myself. I was studying it with a sense of satisfaction. The emotions and thoughts were...positive. About my own body.

I'm not done, not nearly, with the weight loss and toning and body adjustments. But I've come a long way and, for once, I feel proud.

It's an odd feeling. But maybe that's part of that whole confidence thing, again.

Scarred for life?

I was bullied. A lot more than I ever let on, or told anyone. I was constantly told I was a loser because I didn't like sports, or the current trends, or because I read so much and got along with my teachers. I didn't get along with my "peers". I wasn't acceptable. I shouldn't like Sci-Fi, let alone Star Trek--and yet, it was okay to like Star Trek because Star Wars was for boys??

But now, as an adult, I have lots of friends who are just like me in this regard. We all geek out over the same types of things and there's a common thread of respect and understanding that holds us together in one giant extended family. I love my geek friends so very much. I am accepted; I am loved.

And so it surprises me that, even to this day, the bullying scars can cause such strong reactions within me. I am not good at taking compliments--too often, that was the intro to some sort of prank being played on me. I don't trust compliments, and one means of defense is to make a joke, usually a self-disparaging one. It's instinct and fear and self-preservation. But at least I know that's how I react, and that I can pause, swallow those instincts, and accept the compliment for how it was meant. This is not easy for me and I still stumble.

The other night, I posted a status on Facebook that seemed innocuous enough. It sparked a discussion, then a debate, then I freaked out. Why? Well, because all of my friends--my geeky, geeky friends--seemed to have ganged up on me and were now bullying me. I had horrifying flashbacks about being so wrong, so out of place and rejected. In this group was Second Guy and Hates-Cats. Hates-Cats actually was one of the first to start harassing me.

That's the thing. It was teasing and friendly harassment, poking and prodding by my friends. I should have known they weren't actually picking on me, or hating me, or being cruel. But my God, my gut twisted, my face flushed and suddenly I was 13 and terrified of the imminent rejection. I could hard breathe. Then the anger hit. How dare they? I'm too old for this crap, and I will not just sit there and take it like I used to. That old recommendation to ignore the bullies? All it did was give them a chance to go on and on and on...

I'm not going to apologize for how I ended up reacting. I posted one final message to everyone, informing them that I had nothing to prove and how I was angry and why. And then I let it go. I backed off, and one of the guys (actually the one who really upset me the most) emailed me and we explained ourselves a bit, with the conclusion that no harm was meant on either side and we're fine.

The only other guy to reach out was Second Guy. He was texting me, and emailing me and making sure I was okay and that I knew he didn't mean anything bad, etc. It was very nice of him and showed that he's just as kind as ever. Hates-Cats never emailed, but then again, he stopped commenting on the thread and simply may not have seen how it went on a while, and how I freaked out. I don't know if that would make a difference. He probably just thinks I overreacted.

I won't apologize. I'm damaged and scarred and I try very hard. (and I didn't mean to rhyme). The thing is that everyone on that thread should understand that--we're all damaged by something, or someone. I didn't say anything I didn't mean. I can take ribbing from my friends. Everything is fine...

The Problem with Confidence

Okay, so everyone from my friends (male and female) to the magazine Cosmo have said that confidence is a big deal when you meet someone you might be interested in. To varying degrees, I agree with this. If a guy was too shy to even approach me and that's his excuse for never doing so...that's a huge turn-off. So I get it. But at the same time, there is such a thing as coming on too strong because you think you're being confident.

But all that aside, I have a problem of my own. I'm a flirt and I love to make puns. The combination of the two can come across as confident and sassy. This can be attractive, according to some male friends. However, here's where I run into trouble. Let's say I'm doing the flirty pun thing with a guy that I think is appealing. The second I think he might also be interested...Goodbye confidence! If I'm lucky, I can fake my way through the rest of the conversation before I stumble away. More often than not, however, I will blush and stammer and lose the ability to form a single complete thought, let alone witty and flirty banter.

Ugh.

But guess what? If I'm given the chance to continue to get to know them and be around them and regain that comfort-level...eventually, I'm back to the flirty, sassy punster. And sure, there are exceptions. There have been a few men I've just clicked with enough to continue, even when I think they might "like-like" me.

Second Guy was like that; he and I initially bonded over busting our moves at a 5YM show. We'd spoken a few times, but not had a real conversation. Ya know what, though? I thought he was in a relationship (it was ending then) when we met, so I figured he was off-limits and that kept the confidence level up. And Hates-Cats was married when we met, so the same thing applies.

At any rate, it's entirely possible that this issue doesn't exist anymore. That maybe that is more so the reason I'm able to flirt, etc. with Second Guy and Hates-Cats. Maybe I've developed some actual confidence. Or at least I've developed the ability to appear that way.

Hates Cats, Good Chats

I had a fun chat with Hates-Cats last night. We've always had good chats for as long as we've ever chatted. Sometimes we harass the hell out of each other. Sometimes we flirt. Sometimes we have serious talks and I'm always surprised when those appear in the middle of the others. But it's good.

We spoke of body image, and relationships and what we're looking for. To be honest, he's very close to ideal for me, but the whole cat thing just bugs me. And then he said something last night that made me realize he was trying to be a good friend, and supportive, and at the same time, let me know he's not interested.

"If you need someone to talk you up or whatever, I'll gladly put in a good word for you with potential nerd-loves."

Unless I'm reading him completely wrong, that's a gentle let-down to me. I could be reading him wrong--sometimes he's hard to read. Of course, most of what we talked about was relationship stuff. You know, the stuff that comes after you meet and date a while. So...we were way ahead of ourselves. At least for me. You gotta meet someone first.

I'm still clueless about how to do that. I literally shudder to think about letting a friend set me up with anyone. And the two guys I've been interested in lately just don't seem to be into me. The other, of course, is Second Guy. He gives me all kinds of "I'm attracted to you" signs and signals...and yet, he said he "wasn't the right guy for me".

So say they all.

Not Fake

There was a huge hullaballoo recently about "Fake Geek Girls" and how they weren't real geeks because, well, they were girls--how could they be?? The concept is just stupid. And I'm going to get into that whole argument.

However, I think we can all agree that there are varying levels to being a geek, or nerd (as I prefer). You may be a passing fan of a particular show (i.e., I enjoyed Buffy and Angel very much, and I could watch random episodes without missing a beat, but I probably wouldn't own the series, or merchandise); or perhaps you saw a few episodes, became hooked, couldn't believe they cancelled  it after just one season, but at least we got a movie later...sorry, I got a little carried away there. I was talking about Firefly in that case (if you didn't know that...you're damaging my calm. And you didn't get that). I have a Jayne hat, several t-shirts and the entire series and movie on DVD. I am crazy about Doctor Who, too, I can admit. Possibly around the same level as Firefly. I have some Lego-style miniatures and I'd like a few t-shirts, too.

You see, even in my own nerd-dom, I have my own levels of fanaticism. This weekend at Gen Con pretty much proves it. I'm not a gamer; I don't pretend to be. I'm just not competitive enough to care enough to bother playing games. I know part of it stems from not liking to be wrong, or screw up, or lose because of the incoming backlash. (Thanks, Bullies). But otherwise, I just really don't get into games. And for most of the weekend, that was okay. When asked, I didn't really have a problem saying, "I'm not really a gamer." And when I did have to say this, the reaction was a shrug, a to-each-his-own attitude.

Except for one guy. He and his wife went from offering to set me up with some random red-headed friend of theirs who wasn't present, to suddenly being flabbergasted when I said I wasn't a gamer. "Then why are you at Gen Con??" I shrugged and said I was there for everything else that was there. "Like what??" I laughed at his complete confusion and said that I was there to see webcomic artists and merchandise and some events.

But inside, I was seething a little. You don't get to tell me what to be geeky about. I go to a Star Trek convention and see things for Star Wars on sale there, you don't see me flipping out. Most conventions have become a generic sci-fi/fantasy type. Even when they're "specialized", like a gamers convention, every-fan in every sense of the word is there.

And we're sexy.

Speaking of, I had no luck this weekend. But I did get to see Second Guy (looking way too good again) and Hates-Cats (harassed me as always). I have no idea what's going on there...but I'm not stressing.

Gen Con

I am spending the weekend surrounded by the nerdiest of nerds. These are my people, and yet I am removed from them because I am not a gamer. It's okay; not everyone there is. But it makes me feel a little awkward in an environment where I usually don't get that way. The Second Guy is there, but I haven't seen him yet. I know I'll see Hates-Cats tonight at the show, though...

Invisible Girl

"Come with me," she said. "I want to show you something."

He gave her a half-smile; one overflowing with amusement and curiosity. She was really on about something tonight and he wasn't sure what. He let her guide him to a large set of doors and through them. Inside was a party, already in full-swing.

"Look around," she said, her voice soft, but still carrying to his ears. "You've only just arrived. You know no one. Who strikes your fancy? You can talk to anyone in the entire room. Pick one."

He nodded, his eyes flicking over the crowd. He shot her a glance and her blue eyes met his briefly. For a second, he thought she looked sad. Then he spotted someone in the crowd with an interesting t-shirt.

"Him," he said finally. "I'd wanna ask him where he got the shirt and see what else we have in common."

"Okay," she said. "That's fine. Now, a girl. Pick."

He started to study the crowd with a bit more interest. "She's cute...but...oh, that one in the corner...hmm..."

She was silent. He was like a connoisseur, finding just the right person to talk to. To make that connection.

"There," he stated. He pointed to a lovely young lady off to the left. "Her."

"Out of everyone else here...why her?"

He shrugged. "She's beautiful, great body, nice smile. She's laughing a lot and has a small crowd around her. She's the prize of the party. Everyone's drawn to her."

"A prize?" she replied. "An empty head with heartless laughter, put together by a plastic surgeon and strategically placed clothing?"

He blinked and saw that the woman in question was exactly that. Fake. In every way. He was suddenly unsure of what had grabbed his interest.

"Okay, not her," he said, a sense of panic within him. "Someone else..."

"It's too late," she sighed.

He turned to her, but she wasn't there. "No, wait...where are you? I can't see you! I hear you, I know you're there, but I can't see you!!!"

She gazed at him, feeling her heart break a little more. A tear ran down her cheek, unseen.

"Exactly."

Two Strikes!

I got hit on twice today. Neither was good. I laugh a bit, but it's annoying.

The first was as I left for work. I heard a voice from a car. "Hey, baby, I like your red lipstick!!" And other hooting and hollering. I ignored it; I'm going to work. Then I finally glanced over as I was about to get into my car. He was doing that gangsta-wannabe leaning waaaaay back, barely touching the steering wheel thing.........IN A P.T. CRUISER. I burst out laughing and got in my car, driving away. I mean, the guy had no chance anyway, and he was probably ten years younger than me...but geez. Does that ever work?

The second time was at work. Last year, around this time, an old customer (a regular, in almost every day, at least once) and I were joking about how he was going to bring me dinner. He said he was going to grill some burgers and I said he better bring me one. Well, he did! And even though he's a bit of a drunk, he's still a decent regular customer and we get along okay. Well, recently, I've been teasing him about how he never brings them anymore. Tonight, he stopped by with two. That was awfully sweet and I was appreciative and all, until he handed me his business card and said, "If you wanna come by after work and join me in the hot tub........."

Uh. No. In both cases, ew. The customer--first off, that's inappropriate even if I was closer to his age. Secondly, he's old enough to be my grandfather. I'm so serious, he is. I'm going to continue to be nice, but gawd, he better never suggest that again.

And that is how it usually is for me. LOL

Free and still sucky

So, the pay-dating sites can be used for free, of course. Much like my problems with TrekkiesDating, however, you cannot DO much of anything without paying. I signed up with Match.com and guess what? I have received no less than 20 emails from them, telling me about all the men I can never talk to because I won't pay. Isn't that great? Isn't that helpful? Hey, we want you to be happy and find someone wonderful who is your true love....but we want you to be completely broke when you do!!! "Oh I'd love to go on a date with you, but I can't afford to take two people to the Dollar Tree this month!"

It's annoying. I don't believe it should be so complicated or hurtful to just freaking meet someone. I'm not going to just sit back and wait, but these sites are pushy and make me angry and bitter about everything in the dating world. They make me not want to date. Which defeats their purpose.

Guess who is deleting that useless account after 24 hours of uselessness.

Last night, I didn't get to sleep at all...

Okay, I did get some sleep after all, but man, Insomnia kicked my butt last night. Just when I thought I could doze off...all my insecurities started in on me. Gnawing on my confidence. I then received a nice, encouraging email from a friend, and he hit right on what was bothering at that moment--though I hadn't said anything. In the email, he basically told me that he'd had all kinds of luck on Match.com and that I should try them out. But I just can't bring myself to PAY for a dating site. I know there's free options, too, but I'd be stuck with the same issues at TrekkieDating...

Eye contact

My birth control pill was changed back to the previous one that I'd been on for 5 years. The strange side effects I was having with the new one have receded and I feel more like myself again. So, I've got that going for me.

Today, I got enough sleep and felt good and feisty. I wore a new cotton summer dress I'd recently purchased. I had to stop my by workplace and a jerk coworker made a snide comment about it. I replied I was out running errands, and she snarked that she knew "what I was out to pick up". It bothered me.

I have boobs. Big ones. I know, it's a terrible thing. How dare I. And guess what? I wear a lot of cleavage-showing things. My boobs are one of the things that make me feel feminine and semi-confident and I LIKE THE SHIRTS AND DRESSES. I'm pretty sure that even when I'm in t-shirts, everyone is aware of the boobs existence. They're not easily hidden. And I refuse to be made to feel like a whore because I got 'em and flaunt 'em!

That being said, I proceeded on my errands to visit the Hates Cats Guy at his store. There was something different today. I'm not very good with eye contact and I get nervous and people-watch instead of maintaining it. Sometimes, when I'm really comfortable with someone, I can keep it up. Or when I'm feeling pretty good about me. I guess I was today, because there were several times I maintained eye contact with Hates Cats. I don't even think I blushed! He has gorgeous eyes and he was really looking at me and listening and it was flattering as heck. Whether he knows it, or not. I'm never sure with him.

He has made it clear in other conversations and moments that he finds me attractive. I even know I caught him checking me out once. But whenever he's let on, he immediately backs off and kinda distances himself from me for a while. The last time, I didn't push or hound. I let him back off. And then I initiated contact again, without pressure, and went to see him in person. I didn't mean to spend as much time there as I did, but I felt pretty good about hanging out with him like that. Just as friends, no pressure.

That's how today was, no pressure. I'm not sure if it was just because I felt good, or because I felt good to be back on the right kind of pill. Or a combination of both. It doesn't really matter, though. I'm not actively pursuing him. I'm just trying to be a good friend and supportive and helpful...and hopefully, that doesn't come across as too eager. I have that problem of being earnestly helpful, but they think I'm after something else. But that's how I am and it's why I've been so good in Customer Service for so long.

If it leads to anything more in the future...well, I'm not sure I'll be that lucky. And then again, there's the whole cat thing.

Hope

 Having hope is terrifying. Those hopes are usually dashed.  Then I'm left thinking and feeling as if there's no point to having hope in the first place... but eventually that fades and the hope begins anew... despite myself.

Dating Sites, Part 2

I am currently a member of ONE dating site. TrekkieDating.com is a real site and they are exactly like all other dating sites...except they cater to the Trekkies out there. Instead of just sending a generic "flirt", you can send "You must have been shot with a phaser set to stunning". It's silly, sure, but it adds a bit of humor to what otherwise could be rather blasé.

I have filled my profile out to within an inch of its life, I think. And then I sat back and waited to see what, if anything, happened. Oh. Something happened. Once.

Such a douchebag. You don't go from hi to kissing someone on the neck like that. I hadn't even said I was interested. I was trying to have a conversation that might lead to a REAL chat, that might lead to emails, phone calls, etc. Instead, I got that. I usually get nothing at all. Or I get the flirts...and almost all of them are from nowhere near me. Sometimes they ARE nearby...and I'm sorry, but so far, no one attractive. And at least one guy I know in person who creeps me out...and he's my parents age, so NO.

Of course, now, TrekkieDating is charging you to exchange emails. They're desperate for you to upgrade your account and give them money. But sorry, I won't pay for a dating site. Not even one that seems aimed at me. There are other problems with the site, of course, but they're more like other dating sites and the problems I have with them.

Besides, ideally? Ideally, I would meet someone in person and feel that click, that attraction, and hope things got at least to the phone number stage. I have that Second Guy still floating around in the back of my mind, but he said he wanted to be just friends and I just don't think I'll be changing his mind. That's the thing: I shouldn't HAVE to change his mind. I shouldn't have to convince someone I'm worthy enough to be with them.

There is another. (Not to quote Star Wars) I have had an attraction to a friend for a while, and he's split from his wife. I would love it if he was interested--he's a huge Trekkie, too. The only problem is that he hates cats because he's so allergic. For me, that's a major problem because I cannot imagine life without a cat around. I can accommodate for someone who's around temporarily (like my BFF visiting or something), but never having a feline around? I doubt it. But man...other than that. Me-OW. And I mean that in the most un-ironic way possible.

Dating Sites

Let's talk about dating websites and the horrible things that happen there. I have been a member of several dating sites over the years (only the free ones) and I have had no luck with any of them. Not even a date. I know people who use(d) them regularly (and pay for them!) and go on dates and THEN have no luck. There are so many things wrong with them, and those who use them. I'm going to talk about my pet peeves.

First, you register and fill out your own forms. I don't know about everyone ELSE, but I try to be honest and forthright. I use my standard nickname to register, one that is clean and relates to who I am as a person: hjtrek. There's the standard "Female seeking Male" choices, "within 50 miles", etc. And then there's the sections you fill out in your own words. For me, these are the worst part. You're supposed to be selling yourself in these ads--a concept I find elusive. I'm not a whore; I'm not selling myself. I'm only supposed to generate enough interest to get some sort of online contact from a man. Again, I try to be honest, but I think I often come across as dull and clinical. It's much easier to pick a pretty picture of myself and move on.

Now, let's go over what's commonly seen on these sites. Fellas, your nickname on these sites can be crucial to your chances of getting any attention. For me, seeing the word "Horny" used in any way is an automatic "NO". I am not looking for a "hook-up"; I already said I'm not a whore, so announcing that state of your affairs has the opposite effect of what you were hoping for. I move on and don't look back.

Now, the self-written portions. So many horrible things can happen in those paragraphs. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling often do not exist--at least in any form that we'd recognize. Any form of text-speak outside of a standard "LOL" will cause me to run away. Quickly. I might even need to shower.

And pictures?? First off, if you don't HAVE a picture posted, I won't be spending much time looking at your profile. I'm not shallow, but I do have to have an attraction to you! I don't care how attractive I might think you are in any other environment--if you are not wearing a shirt, or if you are nude, your profile is automatically disgusting and profane and I will be far, far away. I don't even know you, and I probably don't even know your real name, but you think I wanna see that? Remember, there's gotta be something there to attract me. Let's stick with the Geeky t-shirt instead.

Remember, you are a stranger on these sites. I don't know you. I don't know your sense of humor, and I don't know if you're being ironic and satirical, or just stupid. I don't know if I'm coming across accurately on my own profile, either, but I will not be called profane or inappropriate...at least not until we get to know each other. Then, all bets are off! These standards only apply to strangers, by the way. My friends already know me and I know them and we can be half-naked and horny and use run-on sentences and.....wait, what was my point?

I've gotten better at holding my tongue...

When I was in my depression, I had no filter. I knew I was starting to get better when I could hold my tongue instead of replying with a scathing remark. To this day, I have times when I have to consciously hold my tongue and not say the first harsh things that spring to mind.

Like today. My middle sister got married in May and her husband had to go on a week-long trip for work. It's tough; they're newlyweds just getting used to having someone else in the house and now he's gone a while. I understand that. But when she sent me a whiny text about missing her husband...okay, see, right there. "Whiny". I don't really think it was all that whiny...anyway. My first thought was, "Oh my gawd, give me a break, at least you HAVE someone and it's only a WEEK and he'll be BACK!!"

Instead, I realized she'd sent the same message to multiple people, and since I was at work, I figured others replied with the appropriate responses and I would just pretend I was too busy to say anything. Because I'm an adult, that's why.

My belly dances whether I want it to or not!

Today, I mentioned that I could be interested in belly-dancing. I think it would be good exercise, and fun, and maybe help tone me up a bit. The problem is that I wouldn't want my tummy exposed (easy enough with many outfit choices), and I wouldn't want to be seen learning. The obvious answer is to learn by videos. But then there's the problem of not knowing if I'm doing it correctly, or just think I am.

What does this have to do with dating? Well, I think bettering myself through diet and exercise might help me gain some of the confidence and self-esteem I lack. And supposedly, having those things can help when attracting men. Because a super awesome and fun personality just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid.

Even now, just typing this, I am fighting the urge to go on a rant about hating my body and how unfair that is, with all the work I've put into losing weight...to ramble about how men shouldn't judge me for my body...to hesitate and realize I'm far harder on myself than most of them would be...Uh...what was I saying?

But I know myself and I know that if I was in a class, or with a any other women, I wouldn't be able to learn the dances. I would be nervous and lose all concentration and rhythm. It happens whenever I think someone is looking at me when I'm dancing. Isn't that stupid? The only time I don't always feel that way is at Five Year Mission shows. I think because I'm usually surrounded by my people, my fellow nerds/geeks. It still happens sometimes, but not as much. I was reminded of that this past weekend when I was dancing at the Celtic Festival. When that kid was watching me, I found myself barely able to clap along to the correct beat. Ugh. But at all the 5YM shows I've been to in the last year, I have done some serious dancing and never really thought much of it...

Anyway, exercise and stuff. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to feel like my body fits ME better. I want to feel like the outside better matches the inside. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that I'm rather stupidly open and honest almost all of the time and what you see is what you get. I don't manipulate. I don't play games. I'm just not that kind of girl...

Schmendrick: It's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.

Molly: No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been?
Schmendrick: Don't you talk to her that way!
Unicorn: I'm here now.
Molly: And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!
[Weeps] Schmendrick: Can you really see her? Do you know what she is?
Molly: If you had been waiting to see a unicorn, as long as I have...
Schmendrick: She's the last unicorn in the world.
Molly: It would be the last unicorn that came to Molly Grue. It's all right, I forgive you.

I love that movie...There are so many quotes and moments I understand more and more. I fear that when I finally find someone, I may have that angry fit at him, demanding to know where he was when I was in my prime...but then again, maybe I haven't hit my prime yet!

Twice

Yesterday, at the Celtic Festival, a young man somehow joined Baby Sister and I during my favorite band's set. She claimed to see him checking me out. I could tell he was way too young, but I did get that geek-weird vibe from him. I wasn't rude, but I did try to politely ignore him and his attention. Eventually, Baby Sister struck up a conversation with him and found out he was her age. They chatted a bit, but no numbers were exchanged. I dunno if she was really interested, but she's in a similar boat in the Single World.

Then today, I was at the Festival alone. I spent a few hours just wandering around, looking at jewelry booths and picking out what I'd be buying for lunch later. There was one point when I was seemingly keeping pace with some guy. He was looking at the same things, I thought, but he was just always there. Suddenly, he zipped across in front of me to stop and grab a random keychain from a rack. I had paused to eye the same rack, looking for my family's Scottish clan's crest. He wasn't even looking at the keychain in his hand. I kinda glanced at him, he glanced more obviously at me, and then I wandered away...and didn't see him again. I have no idea what that was about. I didn't even register if he was attractive or not. It was more like, "what are you doing?"

It's these strange small encounters that I tend to ignore and toss aside as nothing. Some would say they're good signs, encouraging or something. But if they're not going to speak to me, or if they're way too young, or whatever else...what's the point in giving them a second thought? So...I don't, normally. This was an exception because I took a mental note to blog about it. Otherwise, I would acknowledge and disregard.

Oh, and by the way, the Love Knot Ring is working already! This guy was eager for a picture!

Knotty

Got a new ring at the Celtic Festival. It's a Love Knot. It's supposed to bring you luck in love. We'll see, ring...we'll see...

Have Fun!

"Don't worry about it! Just have fun!"

Several months ago, I was in quite the quandary. I had gone from no viable options for dating, to 2. Seriously! It's as if I woke up one day and there were these two great guys in my life--and they were just friends, but suddenly both of them hinted at more...

One fella and I matched up very well on paper. But he was in the midst of a very painful divorce and when someone mentioned the idea of moving away to start over, he decided to do that. Across the country. Sigh. What's more is he came to visit me (he already lived in the next state), and I already knew it wasn't going to happen. He'd already changed his mind. But I made him flat out SAY THE WORDS. It hurt like hell, but I needed to hear him actually say that he'd changed his mind, that "this" was never going to happen. And, honestly, though I think he's very attractive, he's also on the thin side. It makes me feel bigger than I am, and I hate to be the number 10 as a couple. But I still wonder...

I also feel some anger towards him, though. He sent me some of the best compliments I've ever received. I hate to say that there are a handful of his texts I can't bring myself to delete because they were so awesome. I sent him a random picture of me and he said, "Who needs beauty sleep? Not you!" Thinking about that makes me feel rather bipolar. I smile, but at the same time, I feel the tears burning behind my eyes. How DARE you make me feel like this...and then change your mind?? Maybe I have only myself to blame for even considering more than friendship with someone in his situation.

The second guy was where I really needed advice. See, he had also just ended a serious relationship. But he was going to be my date to an event in June (as friends). We'd only ever hung out in groups, or at events, and I felt we should get together one-on-one to make sure we didn't completely hate each other before that event. So, in April, we hung out at my apartment. It was supposed to be a couple of hours, but he ended up being here for 5 hours. We laughed a lot, talked about past relationships and commiserated.

In short, we had a lot of fun and it was a very relaxed and comfortable evening. I thought he was charming and adorable, and yeah, sexy. But just a friend. The thought was in my head that maybe after the "date", things could change. But for now, no. This was taking place while I was in the midst of the other guy's compliments and phone calls anyway, and as far as I was concerned, between the two of them, I wanted the first guy more.

Then he changed things. I walked him out to his car and we ended up talking for another twenty minutes. He kissed me. If you've seen Hitch and know the 90% maneuver, well, he nailed it. And I fell for it. I moved in that other 10% and it was just a simple peck on the lips. But suddenly, there it was. We were friends...but wait...was there more? He apologized and said he shouldn't have done that...but then he moved in and kissed me again before finally leaving for the night.

I tried to be cool about it. I texted him and said I had a great time, but he didn't have to kiss me because we were just friends, etc. He seemed relieved, really, and we continued on as friends. Then we hung out again, this time after work for me. Dinner was so dang comfortable and conversation just flowed. And afterwards, taking me back to my car, we talked for a long while again...and he kissed me again.

My head was whirling by then. I was so sure the first guy was better for me, but he was so far away (and about to get further, though I didn't know that). I asked an older coworker about it and she said I should just relax and go with it and have fun. But how can you do that when you might be screwing up a good thing by "just going with it" with someone who probably is just confused...

We went out twice more, but something had clicked for him. I could tell. He was more withdrawn. Less...friendly. It wasn't that he was rude or mean, he just wasn't as open. He was guarded. I tried to act as if I hadn't noticed, but my gut was a knot. I knew what it meant. The next time we hung out, which was only a few days later, I knew I was right. The flirting was still there, but he was less into it. And when I went to hug him goodnight, there was no sign of those kisses. No sign he would ever want to do that again.

Even though I knew it was coming, it stung. A lot. I got the "friends" talk from him, too. It came only a few days later, actually. Instead of playing it off and acting like I didn't know what he was talking about, I gave up. I said I was sorry for the crush (what??) and he apologized again for mucking things up with the kisses. This was less than a week after the friends talk with the first guy and my bruised heart wasn't in good shape already.

There it was again. Everything seemed to point towards dating and maybe a relationship and all that stuff that's supposed to be so much fun. But this is reality, and this is how it usually goes instead.

"Hey, I think you're great, and I could totally see us dating.......................ya know what? I think you're so great, but I can't see us being more than friends."

Yeah. Fun.

"Haven't Met You Yet"

What I Want

Okay, so in theory, I'm what an awesome nerdy fellow would want. But what do I want?

I can sum up what I want in one word: Love.

But we all know Love isn't that simple. I want the real deal. I want to know I'm wanted even when he's not around. I want that random single text message that no one else would understand, but to me, it speaks volumes of love poems and dedication. I want dedication, loyalty, affection, desire, amusement and complete comfort. I want a nerd/geek who has similar interests and passions--enough to get along, but still have room for discussions. He doesn't have to like everything I do, but he's gotta let ME like it.

I'm not a shallow person, but there's gotta be something physically attractive about him, too. Maybe the eyes, or the smile. Because once the affection and relationship is formed, he's automatically going to become more attractive to me. It works like that, even for just friends! But the more attached I become, the sexier he will be to me. That's how it is.

What I DON'T want is to have the beginnings of all of that...and then lose it all when he changes his mind. And as I said last time, it has happened repeatedly. It's perhaps made me a tad paranoid. I imagine I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop a lot in the first days of a relationship. If I ever have one.