Confused Heart

I texted Dating Site Guy today, wishing him a happy Father's and saying that I hope they were having fun at the convention. I wasn't planning on going, but then my Sunday plans got canceled and I was thinking about it. Then he texted that he was wearing a kilt. My heart fell through the floor, or was that my tongue?

Our texts were very flirty, and he even offered to pay for my ticket in, not knowing I had a 3 day pass. I really wanted to see him, because I wasn't sure about...well...anything after the brief run-in on Friday. We didn't see each other or text at all Saturday.

I ended up deciding to go and tracked him down just in time for him to say that his son was very tired and wanted to go home. As I walked up, I tried to whistle, but ended up laughing instead when he turned on his toe and showed off his legs. This time we talked about ten minutes. He slipped me a twenty, saying it was for parking and anything else I wanted. I said I might use it to go to the movies, which was the other thing I had been considering. He told me to go and have a good time. I once again marveled at how easily we spoke, and I even teased and talked to his son a bit.

The confusion set in later, when I realized how much I still want him, and yes, still love him. Was the money because he feels guilty about how things were? My gut says no, because he is really a very generous person. Once, in the middle of talking, he excused himself to spend $200 on his best friend. Because he can. I don't think he was trying to make amends; not really. The real confusion was because he was....He was him again. He was the man I knew...before. And the pain of knowing I may never have him again....it hit me, hard. Even now, as I was typing all of this, we texted a bit, and there was that flirty overtone again. 

Would I try again with him? In a heartbeat. I don't even hesitate in that thought. It wouldn't be easy, and he'd really have to prove himself for a while, but it would be worth it.

It doesn't matter, though. Because I'll never get that chance again.

Heartbeat

I saw him today. I was walking to Registration, to get my badge for the convention and I heard my name....his voice...It was a brief conversation, following a brief, almost-awkward hug. I met his son. 

And my heart started beating again. 

As we walked away from each other, I wanted to cry and scream, and I wanted to do nothing more than run back to him and demand his love.

But I walked on, I smothered those tears, I swallowed the pain...and my heart beat again.

So Not Over You

Indy Pop Con is this weekend. And it was something Dating Site Guy and I were going to do together, with his son. We were going to have a Doctor Who day, where he was going to be the Doctor, I would be Donna, and his son was going to be a Cyberman. As I've been planning what to wear, what to carry with me, where to park, etc, he's been on my mind a lot more. I know; how could it be more? He's on  my mind every day, still. 

Yesterday, he texted me--we've had a few texts over the past months, but mostly, it was me reaching out first. He was checking on me--I think because of Pop Con. And because he was on his way back to Indiana with his son for the summer. I know I must have been in his thoughts as well. Maybe he's been having the same thoughts: what if we run into each other at Pop Con? What if seeing each other is too hard? What if it's too easy? What if my heart breaks even more...

Then, I dreamt last night of hanging out with him and his son. And a song was playing in the dream, and now it's stuck in my head. In the dream, he had to take a phone call and his son and I were doing a puzzle on the floor. Suddenly, he knocked a big glass of orange juice over and I was sopping it up with a towel. Not a very impressive dream. I'm not even sure about the meaning behind it (though I could speculate about cleaning up after him). But this song...

The Song 

Awkward

Yesterday, I went to Hates Cats' daughter's birthday party. His ex had posted on FB that several of the little girl's friends had canceled. I became emotional, and my heart ached, thinking that she could be so sad and upset that she had a special event and no one showed up. So I went. Hates Cats was awkward towards me, again. I ended up talking to the Ex's boyfriend for a while, just chit-chat about looking for a house, telling stories, etc. Keeping occupied while she ran around running a party, ya know?

But even worse  was today, when she suddenly (and for the first time EVER) messaged me on FB. She said she had questions for me and I was suddenly afraid she might think I was flirting with him yesterday. She really just wanted someone to talk to about her insecurities and how he doesn't claim her as the girlfriend and why not, etc etc. Legit concerns, but like I pointed out to her, artists/musicians can be among the more sensitive; the softer. They don't pull Caveman tactics of MY WOMAN UGH. She agreed and said I was right about artists.

It was also weird when she spoke about Hates Cats. Some of the things she said were not like the man I know, or knew. I nearly said something about how close he and I had gotten. I don't mean the make-out session; I mean we were actually good friends, I thought. Now I have no idea. He seems hesitant to speak to me anymore. It might be because he knows I'd call him on his actions this year...he has a girlfriend, and they just moved in together. After barely dating 6 months. Okay, that's fast, but also, I worry because you know that they must have put her info on the apartment stuff, because there's no way he qualified.

But I digress. He seems happy, which is weird. Part of Hates Cats' personality is that he's never happy. Even when he's happy. I have no qualms with him. I disagree with a lot of decisions he's made, but it's his life, not mine. And I'm not as a part of it as I was.

Total Eclipse

Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

Total Eclipse of the Heart