Not Well

I am a broken individual.

Gray Skies

I have never felt more lonely, or listless.

I wish you knew

I wish you knew how much this weekend was going to mean to me, to us. I knew you might have to work. I was content just being in the same vicinity as you. I was going to clean your kitchen, since the Bachelorhood had taken over. I was going to cook us dinner. I was going to tell you that I was falling in love with you. 

I wish you knew that I could help. I wish you knew that I could take care of you. That I can handle the ugliness. I know; it would have hurt seeing that you had no feelings in your eyes. but I also know that things would get better. 

I wish you knew all the things I never said, I held back, I hid away. 

I wish you knew that I am not angry. I do not wish you ill. I want only wants best for you. I want you to get help. I want you to get better. I want you to know that.

Again

I'm so stupid. Here I am again, heartbroken. I really thought this was it; this was the one for me. Everything aligned so right, so perfectly. I should've known better than to have hope.

I know he's gotta deal with his PTSD and other things. I hope he does. But why does he have to withdraw and push me away in order to do it? Why can't I be a part of it?