I've gotten better at holding my tongue...

When I was in my depression, I had no filter. I knew I was starting to get better when I could hold my tongue instead of replying with a scathing remark. To this day, I have times when I have to consciously hold my tongue and not say the first harsh things that spring to mind.

Like today. My middle sister got married in May and her husband had to go on a week-long trip for work. It's tough; they're newlyweds just getting used to having someone else in the house and now he's gone a while. I understand that. But when she sent me a whiny text about missing her husband...okay, see, right there. "Whiny". I don't really think it was all that whiny...anyway. My first thought was, "Oh my gawd, give me a break, at least you HAVE someone and it's only a WEEK and he'll be BACK!!"

Instead, I realized she'd sent the same message to multiple people, and since I was at work, I figured others replied with the appropriate responses and I would just pretend I was too busy to say anything. Because I'm an adult, that's why.

My belly dances whether I want it to or not!

Today, I mentioned that I could be interested in belly-dancing. I think it would be good exercise, and fun, and maybe help tone me up a bit. The problem is that I wouldn't want my tummy exposed (easy enough with many outfit choices), and I wouldn't want to be seen learning. The obvious answer is to learn by videos. But then there's the problem of not knowing if I'm doing it correctly, or just think I am.

What does this have to do with dating? Well, I think bettering myself through diet and exercise might help me gain some of the confidence and self-esteem I lack. And supposedly, having those things can help when attracting men. Because a super awesome and fun personality just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid.

Even now, just typing this, I am fighting the urge to go on a rant about hating my body and how unfair that is, with all the work I've put into losing weight...to ramble about how men shouldn't judge me for my body...to hesitate and realize I'm far harder on myself than most of them would be...Uh...what was I saying?

But I know myself and I know that if I was in a class, or with a any other women, I wouldn't be able to learn the dances. I would be nervous and lose all concentration and rhythm. It happens whenever I think someone is looking at me when I'm dancing. Isn't that stupid? The only time I don't always feel that way is at Five Year Mission shows. I think because I'm usually surrounded by my people, my fellow nerds/geeks. It still happens sometimes, but not as much. I was reminded of that this past weekend when I was dancing at the Celtic Festival. When that kid was watching me, I found myself barely able to clap along to the correct beat. Ugh. But at all the 5YM shows I've been to in the last year, I have done some serious dancing and never really thought much of it...

Anyway, exercise and stuff. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to feel like my body fits ME better. I want to feel like the outside better matches the inside. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that I'm rather stupidly open and honest almost all of the time and what you see is what you get. I don't manipulate. I don't play games. I'm just not that kind of girl...

Schmendrick: It's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.

Molly: No, it can't be. Can it be? Where have you been? Where have you been? Damn you! Where have you been?
Schmendrick: Don't you talk to her that way!
Unicorn: I'm here now.
Molly: And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!
[Weeps] Schmendrick: Can you really see her? Do you know what she is?
Molly: If you had been waiting to see a unicorn, as long as I have...
Schmendrick: She's the last unicorn in the world.
Molly: It would be the last unicorn that came to Molly Grue. It's all right, I forgive you.

I love that movie...There are so many quotes and moments I understand more and more. I fear that when I finally find someone, I may have that angry fit at him, demanding to know where he was when I was in my prime...but then again, maybe I haven't hit my prime yet!

Twice

Yesterday, at the Celtic Festival, a young man somehow joined Baby Sister and I during my favorite band's set. She claimed to see him checking me out. I could tell he was way too young, but I did get that geek-weird vibe from him. I wasn't rude, but I did try to politely ignore him and his attention. Eventually, Baby Sister struck up a conversation with him and found out he was her age. They chatted a bit, but no numbers were exchanged. I dunno if she was really interested, but she's in a similar boat in the Single World.

Then today, I was at the Festival alone. I spent a few hours just wandering around, looking at jewelry booths and picking out what I'd be buying for lunch later. There was one point when I was seemingly keeping pace with some guy. He was looking at the same things, I thought, but he was just always there. Suddenly, he zipped across in front of me to stop and grab a random keychain from a rack. I had paused to eye the same rack, looking for my family's Scottish clan's crest. He wasn't even looking at the keychain in his hand. I kinda glanced at him, he glanced more obviously at me, and then I wandered away...and didn't see him again. I have no idea what that was about. I didn't even register if he was attractive or not. It was more like, "what are you doing?"

It's these strange small encounters that I tend to ignore and toss aside as nothing. Some would say they're good signs, encouraging or something. But if they're not going to speak to me, or if they're way too young, or whatever else...what's the point in giving them a second thought? So...I don't, normally. This was an exception because I took a mental note to blog about it. Otherwise, I would acknowledge and disregard.

Oh, and by the way, the Love Knot Ring is working already! This guy was eager for a picture!

Knotty

Got a new ring at the Celtic Festival. It's a Love Knot. It's supposed to bring you luck in love. We'll see, ring...we'll see...

Have Fun!

"Don't worry about it! Just have fun!"

Several months ago, I was in quite the quandary. I had gone from no viable options for dating, to 2. Seriously! It's as if I woke up one day and there were these two great guys in my life--and they were just friends, but suddenly both of them hinted at more...

One fella and I matched up very well on paper. But he was in the midst of a very painful divorce and when someone mentioned the idea of moving away to start over, he decided to do that. Across the country. Sigh. What's more is he came to visit me (he already lived in the next state), and I already knew it wasn't going to happen. He'd already changed his mind. But I made him flat out SAY THE WORDS. It hurt like hell, but I needed to hear him actually say that he'd changed his mind, that "this" was never going to happen. And, honestly, though I think he's very attractive, he's also on the thin side. It makes me feel bigger than I am, and I hate to be the number 10 as a couple. But I still wonder...

I also feel some anger towards him, though. He sent me some of the best compliments I've ever received. I hate to say that there are a handful of his texts I can't bring myself to delete because they were so awesome. I sent him a random picture of me and he said, "Who needs beauty sleep? Not you!" Thinking about that makes me feel rather bipolar. I smile, but at the same time, I feel the tears burning behind my eyes. How DARE you make me feel like this...and then change your mind?? Maybe I have only myself to blame for even considering more than friendship with someone in his situation.

The second guy was where I really needed advice. See, he had also just ended a serious relationship. But he was going to be my date to an event in June (as friends). We'd only ever hung out in groups, or at events, and I felt we should get together one-on-one to make sure we didn't completely hate each other before that event. So, in April, we hung out at my apartment. It was supposed to be a couple of hours, but he ended up being here for 5 hours. We laughed a lot, talked about past relationships and commiserated.

In short, we had a lot of fun and it was a very relaxed and comfortable evening. I thought he was charming and adorable, and yeah, sexy. But just a friend. The thought was in my head that maybe after the "date", things could change. But for now, no. This was taking place while I was in the midst of the other guy's compliments and phone calls anyway, and as far as I was concerned, between the two of them, I wanted the first guy more.

Then he changed things. I walked him out to his car and we ended up talking for another twenty minutes. He kissed me. If you've seen Hitch and know the 90% maneuver, well, he nailed it. And I fell for it. I moved in that other 10% and it was just a simple peck on the lips. But suddenly, there it was. We were friends...but wait...was there more? He apologized and said he shouldn't have done that...but then he moved in and kissed me again before finally leaving for the night.

I tried to be cool about it. I texted him and said I had a great time, but he didn't have to kiss me because we were just friends, etc. He seemed relieved, really, and we continued on as friends. Then we hung out again, this time after work for me. Dinner was so dang comfortable and conversation just flowed. And afterwards, taking me back to my car, we talked for a long while again...and he kissed me again.

My head was whirling by then. I was so sure the first guy was better for me, but he was so far away (and about to get further, though I didn't know that). I asked an older coworker about it and she said I should just relax and go with it and have fun. But how can you do that when you might be screwing up a good thing by "just going with it" with someone who probably is just confused...

We went out twice more, but something had clicked for him. I could tell. He was more withdrawn. Less...friendly. It wasn't that he was rude or mean, he just wasn't as open. He was guarded. I tried to act as if I hadn't noticed, but my gut was a knot. I knew what it meant. The next time we hung out, which was only a few days later, I knew I was right. The flirting was still there, but he was less into it. And when I went to hug him goodnight, there was no sign of those kisses. No sign he would ever want to do that again.

Even though I knew it was coming, it stung. A lot. I got the "friends" talk from him, too. It came only a few days later, actually. Instead of playing it off and acting like I didn't know what he was talking about, I gave up. I said I was sorry for the crush (what??) and he apologized again for mucking things up with the kisses. This was less than a week after the friends talk with the first guy and my bruised heart wasn't in good shape already.

There it was again. Everything seemed to point towards dating and maybe a relationship and all that stuff that's supposed to be so much fun. But this is reality, and this is how it usually goes instead.

"Hey, I think you're great, and I could totally see us dating.......................ya know what? I think you're so great, but I can't see us being more than friends."

Yeah. Fun.

"Haven't Met You Yet"

What I Want

Okay, so in theory, I'm what an awesome nerdy fellow would want. But what do I want?

I can sum up what I want in one word: Love.

But we all know Love isn't that simple. I want the real deal. I want to know I'm wanted even when he's not around. I want that random single text message that no one else would understand, but to me, it speaks volumes of love poems and dedication. I want dedication, loyalty, affection, desire, amusement and complete comfort. I want a nerd/geek who has similar interests and passions--enough to get along, but still have room for discussions. He doesn't have to like everything I do, but he's gotta let ME like it.

I'm not a shallow person, but there's gotta be something physically attractive about him, too. Maybe the eyes, or the smile. Because once the affection and relationship is formed, he's automatically going to become more attractive to me. It works like that, even for just friends! But the more attached I become, the sexier he will be to me. That's how it is.

What I DON'T want is to have the beginnings of all of that...and then lose it all when he changes his mind. And as I said last time, it has happened repeatedly. It's perhaps made me a tad paranoid. I imagine I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop a lot in the first days of a relationship. If I ever have one.

It sucks

No matter what they try to tell you on television and in the movies...being single sucks. They try to play it up and make it sound exciting. Dating! Romance! Fun! Fun! Fun! But they leave out the amount of heartache and loneliness that makes up most days and nights. And, honestly, there isn't much dating, and no romance. Which is no fun.

I am a complete nerd. A die-hard Trekkie, a new Whovian, I enjoy Buffy and Angel, Firefly, and most superhero movies. I would be into more comics if they were free--instead I love a plethora of webcomics. I go to conventions and get my nerd on, several times a year. I don't cosplay, but I admire those who have the talent and finances that allow them to do so. I have met tons of geeky and wonderful people who have made my life so rich and full. I have a vast collection of items to back up my Nerd-Cred.

As if all of that wasn't enough to draw in the men, I am also fun, smart, clever and hilarious. Oh, and humble, of course. On top of all of THAT, I am cute. Sometimes even pretty. I like to have fun and be silly, but at the same time I know how to behave. I don't like to go out and spend a lot of money, and can be a bit of a homebody, but at the same time, I like to get dressed up, dolled up, and go OUT.

In other words, if you were to ask your standard geeky guy what he was looking for...I would match up pretty well. And yet, that isn't my experience. Instead, I have the luck of being friend-zoned time and again. Sometimes it's a choice (no chemistry), or out of necessity (married! ugh). But every so often, there's that one guy that catches my eye...and I seem to catch his. Flirting takes over, and there's a lot of humor and things in common and maybe even blatant talk of dating in the future...I'm scared and thrilled and fighting the urge to hope, because that's the end of things, surely. Oh...but it's too late. He's withdrawing...and I know what's happened: he's changed his mind. "I think we're better as friends." Ouch. "I think you're super awesome and amazing, but I can't see us dating." Oh.

This has happened more than once. In fact, more than once in the last three months. It has happened, by my count, around nine times in my life. But those previous seven shouldn't count. I wasn't the person I am today--I wasn't full blown Nerd Girl and Proud of it. I wasn't really and truly ME yet. I wasn't finally happy and strong and ready for Love.

So...here I am. At a complete loss as to why this has happened, and continues to happen. Eventually, the pattern indicates there must be something wrong with me. Though everyone continues to deny this. "It's his loss". Well, yes, but it's also mine. Every shot destroys the little vestiges of confidence I've slowly built up.

It's hard to have hope in situations such as mine. Not having a date in over a decade can make a girl pretty insecure. Not having any prospects and realizing everyone is married, having kids, and living out their dreams in one way or another...it makes me look at my life and wonder what else I can DO. Maybe nothing. It could very well be that I am doing nothing wrong and all I need is patience. Or, it could be that I met the Right Kind of Guy...and he didn't see me as the Right Kind of Girl.

I think it's time to turn the energy back to myself and The Diet. Time to concentrate on losing more weight and toning up...and maybe I'll gain some confidence in the process and catch the Right Guy's eye.