Twice?

Saw Flannel Man again last night. 🥰

I'm in trouble

I got to see Flannel Man the other night. We held each other so right, kissing and talking and laughing. We spent an hour on his porch, and it was wonderful. At one point, my face buried in his chest, I felt a few tears squeeze out. Relief upon seeing him again, sadness that we're not together, just being overwhelmed with the moment; I don't know. But he noticed, holding my face in his hands, wiping the tears away and kissing me, holding me tight. We talked on the phone another 2.5 hours. 

We're desperate to see each other again, soon. 

Mmhmm

So. In October 2015, I was challenged by a former friend to actually write a PWP (plot what plot) fan fiction about 5YM. There's been ongoing jokes about a few of them over the years, saying that they're secret lovers. These men are my friends, and I'm a writer at heart, and it was just silly fun.

Btw, if you don't know fan fiction, slash in particular, is not always an actual fantasy of the author. Some assume that this story meant I actually Ship them, and want them to fulfill this for me. Ummm, no. Lol

Anyway, just recently, on their podcast, the 2 men I wrote about referenced my story. They didn't say my name, and the first reference was generic enough that I nearly didn't react. But then other details were mentioned and I realized one of those 2 friends had shared it with them. I don't know when. I don't talk to those girls anymore. At least the guys thought it was funny, and I outed myself publicly, so no one else could.

I don't feel betrayed by them any more than I did before now. But also recently, HatesCats specifically told me that he doesn't hate cats. Out of the  blue. Those girls also knew about this blog. Mmhmm. Interesting.

Why don't you date more?

It’s been a long time since anyone has asked. I think everyone gave up on me. But I want to delve into why I’m not in the dating world, and why the very idea causes such a visceral reaction in me. I talk about my Depression and Suicidal times in 2016 openly, and some people know the various events that lead to the downward spiral and hitting rock bottom. I’m going to be repeating some already known things, and some that may be new.

Previous to 2015/16 if someone asked that question, I would have just said that no one wanted me; I am invisible. I still feel that way most of the time, but these days, when someone talks about dating…it causes a very real and frightening reaction within me. I am immediately full of anger and anxiety and my fight or flight kicks in, strong. I don’t want to talk about it; I don’t want to talk about your dating life—especially if it’s prolific or going well. It’s an awful thing to think and feel when a dear friend wants to share these happy moments. I just try to smile, focus on their happiness and express the correct things, while inside my everything wants out.

I’ve been rejected my entire life; told I’m not good enough for most things (and yes, this is a form of rejection). But usually these moments are far enough between to allow time to adjust or recover. It’s hard to bounce back when you keep getting shoved back down. Eventually, you’re not able to bounce at all—you’re either pinned to the bottom, or there’s not enough energy to start the bounce. Let me paint a visual.

Picture jumping into a pool: sometimes you reach the bottom and sometimes you don’t; sometimes you hit the bottom with your feet and can push yourself back up quickly; sometimes your butt hits the bottom and you bounce…occasionally more than once. Eventually, you’re not able to bounce at all—you’re either pinned to the bottom, or there’s not enough energy to start the bounce, but you drift upwards. Now imagine any of those with someone above you, denying your access to the surface, to breathe. They hold you down, but most of the time you can get past them and reach the open air before you drown, even if it’s a struggle. In 2016, I hit the bottom, was held firmly to it, and slowly lost each precious air bubble…watching them as they left me, unable to stop them as the pressure on my chest increased and I welcomed the darkness at the edges of my vision, if only for the pain to end.

In the last part of 2016, HatesCats blew me off and I followed up with going on a date with Just Friends in Sept 2015. I guess it was a petty version of “Oh yeah, watch me move on!” We had a nice time, I thought he might even kiss me, but he didn’t. I waited a few days and asked him on a second date, and he said no, and friend zoned me (we’re still friends and it’s much better that way, honest). Right after that was Dating Site Guy coming back into my life. Then I lost Single Female Friend, and Dating Site Guy, and everything else.

What it boils down to is this: everything about dating has ended in rejection for me. And the last time I was in that world, I lost myself, and nearly lost my life. There is a part of me who is so terrified about that connection…that if I try again, I will be rejected again and again and end up…dead. It sounds stupid, and maybe melodramatic. But the fear real. Very, very real. I don’t truly believe that I will hit that ultimate low again, because I’m a very different person now. But the fear lives on. When people say dating is fun, or you should date for fun; it is an unknown concept. Like they’re speaking a foreign language.

I don’t want to get into the dating world. I don’t want to deal with all the idiotic games and inappropriate approaches. I don’t want to deal with being invisible, unwanted, and rejected. But I am so incredibly lonely. I want Flannel Man so much. He sees me; really, truly sees me. And even though I’m not supposed to be “waiting for him” …I am. And I just can’t bring myself to download any dating apps or anything else again.

2019

It’s been an interesting year. In May, I had to have a hysterectomy. I didn’t want to have kids of my own; so this was fine by me. Plus the heath issues that lead to it: I’m much better now.

I had a friend who offered certain benefits. That was fun for about two months, but we agreed that when circumstances changed for either of us, it would be over. He was dating a lot and I knew the change was coming. Sure enough, he started seeing someone exclusively and we ended that. It’s fine, but our friendship changed drastically. He promised things wouldn’t change, but they did. He treated me like I was being weird; but he was being weird and it lead to misunderstandings, and an argument. He doesn’t talk to me like he did. And then he told me one day that I hadn’t known the real him; because he’d only been sad and depressed since I’ve been his friend. I replied that I hoped to get to know the happy version of him…but he doesn’t understand that I saw through the pain and depression and did see the real him. He’s put up barriers between us now and I may never get through again.

On September 9, I turned 40 and the very next day, I had a real surprise. HatesCats came over and we picked up where things left off all those year ago. It was wonderful, tender and sweet. Affectionate. In my heart, I knew this was likely to be a one-time event, though he spoke as if it wouldn’t be. Until last night. He suddenly tells me that it’s probably never happening again. I know he thinks he’s funny and clever, as our flirting comes and goes through the years…but it still hurt.

Behind all of this, Flannel Man is still around. And I still want to be with him, in every way possible. He’s struggling through the divorce and the insane legal agreement they’ve reached that adds another 1.5 years time to an end. Anything until then is just to occupy myself and try not to go crazy with my need to have him.

We are in denial about our feelings.

Flannel Man

When I was drawing a lot, and doing art commissions, I had some business cards made. I gave some out to get work, but also some were just to share with those I thought would understand and appreciate it. Including my fellow artist and regular customer from when I was in retail: Flannel Man.

Flannel Man was a semi-regular customer, and I say this because he was there often enough that I would recognize him, but not as often as many others. He was an artist and we had spoken about art, and sometimes about our personal lives; when we could. I knew his marriage was over, months before I left retail. 

Months later, I got an email, just before my birthday. Flannel Man had found my business card in his vehicle and sent me a message. We reconnected and, within days, had found an intense attraction existed between us. I was stunned; flabbergasted even. He is so far out of my league. Much thinner than anyone I've had an interest in before, even. But he is kind, creative, warm and amazing. He's not a Trekkie, per se, but he's an artist and he has such compassion, and he does geek out over things.

But he's not mine. Not yet. Maybe in the future. When the pain and the drama he's going through is over with...maybe then. He told me, I don't need to wait for him. And I tell myself I'm not. I mean, honestly, I am still invisible and I don't know how to change that. But he sees me. And he's always seen me.

Don't You Dare

When I spoke to Dating Site Guy in February, he teased me with the news that he "might" be moving back to this state,depending on where he found a new job. But, in the course of talking, he admitted that he was looking all over the country, and that he wasn't specifically trying to around here. I would have understood if he had been; after all, his family lives in the town he used to, so why wouldn't he want to be close? I wouldn't have thought it was about me, though I'd wish some tiny part of it might've been.

Well, in the last few weeks, so many things have changed for me. I heard about a job, applied for it, and had a great interview...and I got the job. Finally, an office type of job, sitting, and making more money! My knees are very excited to get the break, and my pscyhe is grateful to be out of Retail, though I will be in Customer Service, still. It's in a nearby town, which I will call F-Town.

Me getting this job made me wonder what Dating Site Guy had decided about his own job situation.  But I wasn't going to text him. I'd been fighting that urge, and it had gotten easier after the last few blog entries. I'd been trying to put him out of my head. And, I'd even been trying to see if a certain guy was interested. I gave him my number, but it's been nearly 2 weeks and he hasn't texted, so maybe not.

The other morning, I was getting ready for work, and I heard a text. It was Dating Site Guy. Telling me that he did, indeed, get a new job.

In F-Town.

What. I replied, telling him about the new job and how it was also in F-Town. He laughed it off, and I spent the next ten minutes staring into a mirror, telling myself, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!" Over and Over. I was really talking to that spark of hope that always seems to appear when we talk. 

Of course, now it truly seems inevitable that we will see each other again st some point. It will be...interesting.