I've always struggled with the concept of Soulmates. Oh sure, there's bound to be someone out there who is the right combination of likes and dislikes to be a great partner for me. But what about the idea that there's only ONE in the entire world? It sounds like a romantic plot device--if there's only one then when it doesn't work out, they weren't The One...and you move on. But what if that One lives on the other side of the planet and works 60 hours a week and you never actually meet? Ever?
This leads to the idea (hope) that there can be more than just One. But then you have to wonder how many there are? A dozen? And if you have a dozen failed relationships under your belt, does that mean you shouldn't try anymore? What if it's the same problem? Sure, there are a dozen chances for you out there...but not one of them lives within 1000 miles of you.
And what about when you're wrong? What about when you love someone so deeply, you are utterly convinced they are your Soulmate and there's nothing that anyone or anything can do to make you change your mind...until you do. And at the same time, maybe they WERE a Soulmate, but they screwed up so badly, you cannot reconcile the schisms in your soul now.
Does that mean your Soul has changed and therefore, your Soulmate may be someone completely different that you would never have been with before the schisms?
Some would say to just chill out, relax, let it happen, you'll meet someone someday...but what if you're not looking and you miss your chance? What if you get hung up on someone you think might be a One, you end up missing the actual One that just walked by?
Soulmates sounds like predestination, but when you start asking these questions, it really sounds more like a chance encounter. More like, you just never know. You cannot know the when, the how, or the who. You just live your life with awareness and somehow keep that hope alive.
Today I experienced something for the first time. I finished my exercise and then I stripped down to take a shower. I stood for a moment, eyeing my body in the mirror. Same hair, same face I've had a while. Then my eyes moved lower and I turned to the side, seeing how the weight loss has affected my breasts and stomach.
That's when it hit me. I wasn't glaring, frowning, or even just looking matter-of-factly at myself. I was studying it with a sense of satisfaction. The emotions and thoughts were...positive. About my own body.
I'm not done, not nearly, with the weight loss and toning and body adjustments. But I've come a long way and, for once, I feel proud.
It's an odd feeling. But maybe that's part of that whole confidence thing, again.
I was bullied. A lot more than I ever let on, or told anyone. I was constantly told I was a loser because I didn't like sports, or the current trends, or because I read so much and got along with my teachers. I didn't get along with my "peers". I wasn't acceptable. I shouldn't like Sci-Fi, let alone Star Trek--and yet, it was okay to like Star Trek because Star Wars was for boys??
But now, as an adult, I have lots of friends who are just like me in this regard. We all geek out over the same types of things and there's a common thread of respect and understanding that holds us together in one giant extended family. I love my geek friends so very much. I am accepted; I am loved.
And so it surprises me that, even to this day, the bullying scars can cause such strong reactions within me. I am not good at taking compliments--too often, that was the intro to some sort of prank being played on me. I don't trust compliments, and one means of defense is to make a joke, usually a self-disparaging one. It's instinct and fear and self-preservation. But at least I know that's how I react, and that I can pause, swallow those instincts, and accept the compliment for how it was meant. This is not easy for me and I still stumble.
The other night, I posted a status on Facebook that seemed innocuous enough. It sparked a discussion, then a debate, then I freaked out. Why? Well, because all of my friends--my geeky, geeky friends--seemed to have ganged up on me and were now bullying me. I had horrifying flashbacks about being so wrong, so out of place and rejected. In this group was Second Guy and Hates-Cats. Hates-Cats actually was one of the first to start harassing me.
That's the thing. It was teasing and friendly harassment, poking and prodding by my friends. I should have known they weren't actually picking on me, or hating me, or being cruel. But my God, my gut twisted, my face flushed and suddenly I was 13 and terrified of the imminent rejection. I could hard breathe. Then the anger hit. How dare they? I'm too old for this crap, and I will not just sit there and take it like I used to. That old recommendation to ignore the bullies? All it did was give them a chance to go on and on and on...
I'm not going to apologize for how I ended up reacting. I posted one final message to everyone, informing them that I had nothing to prove and how I was angry and why. And then I let it go. I backed off, and one of the guys (actually the one who really upset me the most) emailed me and we explained ourselves a bit, with the conclusion that no harm was meant on either side and we're fine.
The only other guy to reach out was Second Guy. He was texting me, and emailing me and making sure I was okay and that I knew he didn't mean anything bad, etc. It was very nice of him and showed that he's just as kind as ever. Hates-Cats never emailed, but then again, he stopped commenting on the thread and simply may not have seen how it went on a while, and how I freaked out. I don't know if that would make a difference. He probably just thinks I overreacted.
I won't apologize. I'm damaged and scarred and I try very hard. (and I didn't mean to rhyme). The thing is that everyone on that thread should understand that--we're all damaged by something, or someone. I didn't say anything I didn't mean. I can take ribbing from my friends. Everything is fine...
Okay, so everyone from my friends (male and female) to the magazine Cosmo have said that confidence is a big deal when you meet someone you might be interested in. To varying degrees, I agree with this. If a guy was too shy to even approach me and that's his excuse for never doing so...that's a huge turn-off. So I get it. But at the same time, there is such a thing as coming on too strong because you think you're being confident.
But all that aside, I have a problem of my own. I'm a flirt and I love to make puns. The combination of the two can come across as confident and sassy. This can be attractive, according to some male friends. However, here's where I run into trouble. Let's say I'm doing the flirty pun thing with a guy that I think is appealing. The second I think he might also be interested...Goodbye confidence! If I'm lucky, I can fake my way through the rest of the conversation before I stumble away. More often than not, however, I will blush and stammer and lose the ability to form a single complete thought, let alone witty and flirty banter.
Ugh.
But guess what? If I'm given the chance to continue to get to know them and be around them and regain that comfort-level...eventually, I'm back to the flirty, sassy punster. And sure, there are exceptions. There have been a few men I've just clicked with enough to continue, even when I think they might "like-like" me.
Second Guy was like that; he and I initially bonded over busting our moves at a 5YM show. We'd spoken a few times, but not had a real conversation. Ya know what, though? I thought he was in a relationship (it was ending then) when we met, so I figured he was off-limits and that kept the confidence level up. And Hates-Cats was married when we met, so the same thing applies.
At any rate, it's entirely possible that this issue doesn't exist anymore. That maybe that is more so the reason I'm able to flirt, etc. with Second Guy and Hates-Cats. Maybe I've developed some actual confidence. Or at least I've developed the ability to appear that way.
I had a fun chat with Hates-Cats last night. We've always had good chats for as long as we've ever chatted. Sometimes we harass the hell out of each other. Sometimes we flirt. Sometimes we have serious talks and I'm always surprised when those appear in the middle of the others. But it's good.
We spoke of body image, and relationships and what we're looking for. To be honest, he's very close to ideal for me, but the whole cat thing just bugs me. And then he said something last night that made me realize he was trying to be a good friend, and supportive, and at the same time, let me know he's not interested.
"If you need someone to talk you up or whatever, I'll gladly put in a good word for you with potential nerd-loves."
Unless I'm reading him completely wrong, that's a gentle let-down to me. I could be reading him wrong--sometimes he's hard to read. Of course, most of what we talked about was relationship stuff. You know, the stuff that comes after you meet and date a while. So...we were way ahead of ourselves. At least for me. You gotta meet someone first.
I'm still clueless about how to do that. I literally shudder to think about letting a friend set me up with anyone. And the two guys I've been interested in lately just don't seem to be into me. The other, of course, is Second Guy. He gives me all kinds of "I'm attracted to you" signs and signals...and yet, he said he "wasn't the right guy for me".
There was a huge hullaballoo recently about "Fake Geek Girls" and how they weren't real geeks because, well, they were girls--how could they be?? The concept is just stupid. And I'm going to get into that whole argument.
However, I think we can all agree that there are varying levels to being a geek, or nerd (as I prefer). You may be a passing fan of a particular show (i.e., I enjoyed Buffy and Angel very much, and I could watch random episodes without missing a beat, but I probably wouldn't own the series, or merchandise); or perhaps you saw a few episodes, became hooked, couldn't believe they cancelled it after just one season, but at least we got a movie later...sorry, I got a little carried away there. I was talking about Firefly in that case (if you didn't know that...you're damaging my calm. And you didn't get that). I have a Jayne hat, several t-shirts and the entire series and movie on DVD. I am crazy about Doctor Who, too, I can admit. Possibly around the same level as Firefly. I have some Lego-style miniatures and I'd like a few t-shirts, too.
You see, even in my own nerd-dom, I have my own levels of fanaticism. This weekend at Gen Con pretty much proves it. I'm not a gamer; I don't pretend to be. I'm just not competitive enough to care enough to bother playing games. I know part of it stems from not liking to be wrong, or screw up, or lose because of the incoming backlash. (Thanks, Bullies). But otherwise, I just really don't get into games. And for most of the weekend, that was okay. When asked, I didn't really have a problem saying, "I'm not really a gamer." And when I did have to say this, the reaction was a shrug, a to-each-his-own attitude.
Except for one guy. He and his wife went from offering to set me up with some random red-headed friend of theirs who wasn't present, to suddenly being flabbergasted when I said I wasn't a gamer. "Then why are you at Gen Con??" I shrugged and said I was there for everything else that was there. "Like what??" I laughed at his complete confusion and said that I was there to see webcomic artists and merchandise and some events.
But inside, I was seething a little. You don't get to tell me what to be geeky about. I go to a Star Trek convention and see things for Star Wars on sale there, you don't see me flipping out. Most conventions have become a generic sci-fi/fantasy type. Even when they're "specialized", like a gamers convention, every-fan in every sense of the word is there.
And we're sexy.
Speaking of, I had no luck this weekend. But I did get to see Second Guy (looking way too good again) and Hates-Cats (harassed me as always). I have no idea what's going on there...but I'm not stressing.
I am spending the weekend surrounded by the nerdiest of nerds. These are my people, and yet I am removed from them because I am not a gamer. It's okay; not everyone there is. But it makes me feel a little awkward in an environment where I usually don't get that way. The Second Guy is there, but I haven't seen him yet. I know I'll see Hates-Cats tonight at the show, though...
"Come with me," she said. "I want to show you something."
He gave her a half-smile; one overflowing with amusement and curiosity. She was really on about something tonight and he wasn't sure what. He let her guide him to a large set of doors and through them. Inside was a party, already in full-swing.
"Look around," she said, her voice soft, but still carrying to his ears. "You've only just arrived. You know no one. Who strikes your fancy? You can talk to anyone in the entire room. Pick one."
He nodded, his eyes flicking over the crowd. He shot her a glance and her blue eyes met his briefly. For a second, he thought she looked sad. Then he spotted someone in the crowd with an interesting t-shirt.
"Him," he said finally. "I'd wanna ask him where he got the shirt and see what else we have in common."
"Okay," she said. "That's fine. Now, a girl. Pick."
He started to study the crowd with a bit more interest. "She's cute...but...oh, that one in the corner...hmm..."
She was silent. He was like a connoisseur, finding just the right person to talk to. To make that connection.
"There," he stated. He pointed to a lovely young lady off to the left. "Her."
"Out of everyone else here...why her?"
He shrugged. "She's beautiful, great body, nice smile. She's laughing a lot and has a small crowd around her. She's the prize of the party. Everyone's drawn to her."
"A prize?" she replied. "An empty head with heartless laughter, put together by a plastic surgeon and strategically placed clothing?"
He blinked and saw that the woman in question was exactly that. Fake. In every way. He was suddenly unsure of what had grabbed his interest.
"Okay, not her," he said, a sense of panic within him. "Someone else..."
"It's too late," she sighed.
He turned to her, but she wasn't there. "No, wait...where are you? I can't see you! I hear you, I know you're there, but I can't see you!!!"
She gazed at him, feeling her heart break a little more. A tear ran down her cheek, unseen.
I got hit on twice today. Neither was good. I laugh a bit, but it's annoying.
The first was as I left for work. I heard a voice from a car. "Hey, baby, I like your red lipstick!!" And other hooting and hollering. I ignored it; I'm going to work. Then I finally glanced over as I was about to get into my car. He was doing that gangsta-wannabe leaning waaaaay back, barely touching the steering wheel thing.........IN A P.T. CRUISER. I burst out laughing and got in my car, driving away. I mean, the guy had no chance anyway, and he was probably ten years younger than me...but geez. Does that ever work?
The second time was at work. Last year, around this time, an old customer (a regular, in almost every day, at least once) and I were joking about how he was going to bring me dinner. He said he was going to grill some burgers and I said he better bring me one. Well, he did! And even though he's a bit of a drunk, he's still a decent regular customer and we get along okay. Well, recently, I've been teasing him about how he never brings them anymore. Tonight, he stopped by with two. That was awfully sweet and I was appreciative and all, until he handed me his business card and said, "If you wanna come by after work and join me in the hot tub........."
Uh. No. In both cases, ew. The customer--first off, that's inappropriate even if I was closer to his age. Secondly, he's old enough to be my grandfather. I'm so serious, he is. I'm going to continue to be nice, but gawd, he better never suggest that again. And that is how it usually is for me. LOL
So, the pay-dating sites can be used for free, of course. Much like my problems with TrekkiesDating, however, you cannot DO much of anything without paying. I signed up with Match.com and guess what? I have received no less than 20 emails from them, telling me about all the men I can never talk to because I won't pay. Isn't that great? Isn't that helpful? Hey, we want you to be happy and find someone wonderful who is your true love....but we want you to be completely broke when you do!!! "Oh I'd love to go on a date with you, but I can't afford to take two people to the Dollar Tree this month!"
It's annoying. I don't believe it should be so complicated or hurtful to just freaking meet someone. I'm not going to just sit back and wait, but these sites are pushy and make me angry and bitter about everything in the dating world. They make me not want to date. Which defeats their purpose.
Guess who is deleting that useless account after 24 hours of uselessness.
Okay, I did get some sleep after all, but man, Insomnia kicked my butt last night. Just when I thought I could doze off...all my insecurities started in on me. Gnawing on my confidence. I then received a nice, encouraging email from a friend, and he hit right on what was bothering at that moment--though I hadn't said anything. In the email, he basically told me that he'd had all kinds of luck on Match.com and that I should try them out. But I just can't bring myself to PAY for a dating site. I know there's free options, too, but I'd be stuck with the same issues at TrekkieDating...
My birth control pill was changed back to the previous one that I'd been on for 5 years. The strange side effects I was having with the new one have receded and I feel more like myself again. So, I've got that going for me.
Today, I got enough sleep and felt good and feisty. I wore a new cotton summer dress I'd recently purchased. I had to stop my by workplace and a jerk coworker made a snide comment about it. I replied I was out running errands, and she snarked that she knew "what I was out to pick up". It bothered me.
I have boobs. Big ones. I know, it's a terrible thing. How dare I. And guess what? I wear a lot of cleavage-showing things. My boobs are one of the things that make me feel feminine and semi-confident and I LIKE THE SHIRTS AND DRESSES. I'm pretty sure that even when I'm in t-shirts, everyone is aware of the boobs existence. They're not easily hidden. And I refuse to be made to feel like a whore because I got 'em and flaunt 'em!
That being said, I proceeded on my errands to visit the Hates Cats Guy at his store. There was something different today. I'm not very good with eye contact and I get nervous and people-watch instead of maintaining it. Sometimes, when I'm really comfortable with someone, I can keep it up. Or when I'm feeling pretty good about me. I guess I was today, because there were several times I maintained eye contact with Hates Cats. I don't even think I blushed! He has gorgeous eyes and he was really looking at me and listening and it was flattering as heck. Whether he knows it, or not. I'm never sure with him.
He has made it clear in other conversations and moments that he finds me attractive. I even know I caught him checking me out once. But whenever he's let on, he immediately backs off and kinda distances himself from me for a while. The last time, I didn't push or hound. I let him back off. And then I initiated contact again, without pressure, and went to see him in person. I didn't mean to spend as much time there as I did, but I felt pretty good about hanging out with him like that. Just as friends, no pressure.
That's how today was, no pressure. I'm not sure if it was just because I felt good, or because I felt good to be back on the right kind of pill. Or a combination of both. It doesn't really matter, though. I'm not actively pursuing him. I'm just trying to be a good friend and supportive and helpful...and hopefully, that doesn't come across as too eager. I have that problem of being earnestly helpful, but they think I'm after something else. But that's how I am and it's why I've been so good in Customer Service for so long.
If it leads to anything more in the future...well, I'm not sure I'll be that lucky. And then again, there's the whole cat thing.
Having hope is terrifying. Those hopes are usually dashed. Then I'm left thinking and feeling as if there's no point to having hope in the first place... but eventually that fades and the hope begins anew... despite myself.
I have filled my profile out to within an inch of its life, I think. And then I sat back and waited to see what, if anything, happened. Oh. Something happened. Once.
Such a douchebag. You don't go from hi to kissing someone on the neck like that. I hadn't even said I was interested. I was trying to have a conversation that might lead to a REAL chat, that might lead to emails, phone calls, etc. Instead, I got that. I usually get nothing at all. Or I get the flirts...and almost all of them are from nowhere near me. Sometimes they ARE nearby...and I'm sorry, but so far, no one attractive. And at least one guy I know in person who creeps me out...and he's my parents age, so NO.
Of course, now, TrekkieDating is charging you to exchange emails. They're desperate for you to upgrade your account and give them money. But sorry, I won't pay for a dating site. Not even one that seems aimed at me. There are other problems with the site, of course, but they're more like other dating sites and the problems I have with them.
Besides, ideally? Ideally, I would meet someone in person and feel that click, that attraction, and hope things got at least to the phone number stage. I have that Second Guy still floating around in the back of my mind, but he said he wanted to be just friends and I just don't think I'll be changing his mind. That's the thing: I shouldn't HAVE to change his mind. I shouldn't have to convince someone I'm worthy enough to be with them.
There is another. (Not to quote Star Wars) I have had an attraction to a friend for a while, and he's split from his wife. I would love it if he was interested--he's a huge Trekkie, too. The only problem is that he hates cats because he's so allergic. For me, that's a major problem because I cannot imagine life without a cat around. I can accommodate for someone who's around temporarily (like my BFF visiting or something), but never having a feline around? I doubt it. But man...other than that. Me-OW. And I mean that in the most un-ironic way possible.
Let's talk about dating websites and the horrible things that happen there. I have been a member of several dating sites over the years (only the free ones) and I have had no luck with any of them. Not even a date. I know people who use(d) them regularly (and pay for them!) and go on dates and THEN have no luck. There are so many things wrong with them, and those who use them. I'm going to talk about my pet peeves.
First, you register and fill out your own forms. I don't know about everyone ELSE, but I try to be honest and forthright. I use my standard nickname to register, one that is clean and relates to who I am as a person: hjtrek. There's the standard "Female seeking Male" choices, "within 50 miles", etc. And then there's the sections you fill out in your own words. For me, these are the worst part. You're supposed to be selling yourself in these ads--a concept I find elusive. I'm not a whore; I'm not selling myself. I'm only supposed to generate enough interest to get some sort of online contact from a man. Again, I try to be honest, but I think I often come across as dull and clinical. It's much easier to pick a pretty picture of myself and move on.
Now, let's go over what's commonly seen on these sites. Fellas, your nickname on these sites can be crucial to your chances of getting any attention. For me, seeing the word "Horny" used in any way is an automatic "NO". I am not looking for a "hook-up"; I already said I'm not a whore, so announcing that state of your affairs has the opposite effect of what you were hoping for. I move on and don't look back.
Now, the self-written portions. So many horrible things can happen in those paragraphs. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling often do not exist--at least in any form that we'd recognize. Any form of text-speak outside of a standard "LOL" will cause me to run away. Quickly. I might even need to shower.
And pictures?? First off, if you don't HAVE a picture posted, I won't be spending much time looking at your profile. I'm not shallow, but I do have to have an attraction to you! I don't care how attractive I might think you are in any other environment--if you are not wearing a shirt, or if you are nude, your profile is automatically disgusting and profane and I will be far, far away. I don't even know you, and I probably don't even know your real name, but you think I wanna see that? Remember, there's gotta be something there to attract me. Let's stick with the Geeky t-shirt instead.
Remember, you are a stranger on these sites. I don't know you. I don't know your sense of humor, and I don't know if you're being ironic and satirical, or just stupid. I don't know if I'm coming across accurately on my own profile, either, but I will not be called profane or inappropriate...at least not until we get to know each other. Then, all bets are off! These standards only apply to strangers, by the way. My friends already know me and I know them and we can be half-naked and horny and use run-on sentences and.....wait, what was my point?
