Scarred for life?

I was bullied. A lot more than I ever let on, or told anyone. I was constantly told I was a loser because I didn't like sports, or the current trends, or because I read so much and got along with my teachers. I didn't get along with my "peers". I wasn't acceptable. I shouldn't like Sci-Fi, let alone Star Trek--and yet, it was okay to like Star Trek because Star Wars was for boys??

But now, as an adult, I have lots of friends who are just like me in this regard. We all geek out over the same types of things and there's a common thread of respect and understanding that holds us together in one giant extended family. I love my geek friends so very much. I am accepted; I am loved.

And so it surprises me that, even to this day, the bullying scars can cause such strong reactions within me. I am not good at taking compliments--too often, that was the intro to some sort of prank being played on me. I don't trust compliments, and one means of defense is to make a joke, usually a self-disparaging one. It's instinct and fear and self-preservation. But at least I know that's how I react, and that I can pause, swallow those instincts, and accept the compliment for how it was meant. This is not easy for me and I still stumble.

The other night, I posted a status on Facebook that seemed innocuous enough. It sparked a discussion, then a debate, then I freaked out. Why? Well, because all of my friends--my geeky, geeky friends--seemed to have ganged up on me and were now bullying me. I had horrifying flashbacks about being so wrong, so out of place and rejected. In this group was Second Guy and Hates-Cats. Hates-Cats actually was one of the first to start harassing me.

That's the thing. It was teasing and friendly harassment, poking and prodding by my friends. I should have known they weren't actually picking on me, or hating me, or being cruel. But my God, my gut twisted, my face flushed and suddenly I was 13 and terrified of the imminent rejection. I could hard breathe. Then the anger hit. How dare they? I'm too old for this crap, and I will not just sit there and take it like I used to. That old recommendation to ignore the bullies? All it did was give them a chance to go on and on and on...

I'm not going to apologize for how I ended up reacting. I posted one final message to everyone, informing them that I had nothing to prove and how I was angry and why. And then I let it go. I backed off, and one of the guys (actually the one who really upset me the most) emailed me and we explained ourselves a bit, with the conclusion that no harm was meant on either side and we're fine.

The only other guy to reach out was Second Guy. He was texting me, and emailing me and making sure I was okay and that I knew he didn't mean anything bad, etc. It was very nice of him and showed that he's just as kind as ever. Hates-Cats never emailed, but then again, he stopped commenting on the thread and simply may not have seen how it went on a while, and how I freaked out. I don't know if that would make a difference. He probably just thinks I overreacted.

I won't apologize. I'm damaged and scarred and I try very hard. (and I didn't mean to rhyme). The thing is that everyone on that thread should understand that--we're all damaged by something, or someone. I didn't say anything I didn't mean. I can take ribbing from my friends. Everything is fine...