When I spoke to Dating Site Guy in February, he teased me with the news that he "might" be moving back to this state,depending on where he found a new job. But, in the course of talking, he admitted that he was looking all over the country, and that he wasn't specifically trying to around here. I would have understood if he had been; after all, his family lives in the town he used to, so why wouldn't he want to be close? I wouldn't have thought it was about me, though I'd wish some tiny part of it might've been.
Well, in the last few weeks, so many things have changed for me. I heard about a job, applied for it, and had a great interview...and I got the job. Finally, an office type of job, sitting, and making more money! My knees are very excited to get the break, and my pscyhe is grateful to be out of Retail, though I will be in Customer Service, still. It's in a nearby town, which I will call F-Town.
Me getting this job made me wonder what Dating Site Guy had decided about his own job situation. But I wasn't going to text him. I'd been fighting that urge, and it had gotten easier after the last few blog entries. I'd been trying to put him out of my head. And, I'd even been trying to see if a certain guy was interested. I gave him my number, but it's been nearly 2 weeks and he hasn't texted, so maybe not.
The other morning, I was getting ready for work, and I heard a text. It was Dating Site Guy. Telling me that he did, indeed, get a new job.
In F-Town.
What. I replied, telling him about the new job and how it was also in F-Town. He laughed it off, and I spent the next ten minutes staring into a mirror, telling myself, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!" Over and Over. I was really talking to that spark of hope that always seems to appear when we talk.
Of course, now it truly seems inevitable that we will see each other again st some point. It will be...interesting.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Friday, April 28, 2017
Friday, April 21, 2017
Is it time?
After the last "encounter" with Dating Site Guy, and spending a few weeks reeling, I think it might be time to say goodbye. I don't mean that I'll never see him again, or talk to him again. I mean that if/when those things happen, I can't go spiraling into the what-if scenarios again.
That being said, when I give something, or someone, up like this, I tend to vent some of the things I never got to say, or tell them. So here we go.
Dear Dating Site Guy,
There are so many things we never got to say, or do, or learn about each other. I hardly know where to begin. When I think of you now, I feel sad, very sad. And I still miss you. I miss the way you spoke to me, and how we just seemed to get each other right away. The other night, I was listing things in my mind that I would want in/from a man. And it was killing me to see that every single one of them was fulfilled by you. I even blurted out to someone that I had once had the man of my dreams, but that he had rejected me, too.
Yes, you were the man of my dreams. Everything seemed to fall into place with you. The past,the present, the future, it all made sense in a way I hadn't expected.
I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time, though. For a year, maybe 2, leading up to us finally being together, I had been on a downward spiral. And then I lost Single Female Friend, and then I lost you. And as I withdrew, I lost others (albeit those were more temporary). Some couldn't handle the Depression as I fell. Some said things that only aided that monster as it ate at me, and I had to abandon them. It was quicksand. I fought and struggled, only to be pulled deeper with every effort. And before I knew it, I was having panic attacks, anxiety issues, insomnia, Depression, and suicidal thoughts. I had well and truly hit rock bottom.
I needed something to focus on, something to keep me trying. Moonshine was one, but I feared her mortality put a limit on my own future. If I lost her sooner than expected, I was doomed to follow. That was when I started looking into getting a house. At first, I was met with things that should have kept me away, kept me from trying, but then someone at INHP reached out to me and encouraged me to try again. I went into that meeting with hostility and self-assured anger at the world and my situation. But I walked out with the thought that this could actually happen.
As time passed, and some things were getting better, or easier, and I started to feel support instead of constant abandonment, I felt stronger. And then I had a house. And now, I still use the house as something to focus on. I'm not able to focus on my art like I used to, or my writing as I did in the past. But I can do things like replace part of the subfloor in my bathroom. I can replace the sink, and the fan. I can draw up plans for a wall with a trapdoor so that my water main is accessible, but not visible. I can mow the lawn. I can get rid of a bush. I can plant flowers. I can talk to neighbors, and install a security system. I can sit outside and have a fire and roast some marsh-melons. But the moment I sit still, like when I'm driving to and from work, I remember.
Every day, that sadness is still there. The intense, soul-crushing loneliness that makes me think I will be alone forever. The thoughts that lead me back to you once again. The fears, the insecurities, and the intense desire to have you again. The questions about what drove you away, what took you from me.
God help me, if you wanted to give us a try again, and you were sincerely serious, and in a better state of mind...I would be throwing myself at you. But I think you are in denial about what help you might need. Or maybe, you decided that a relationship was the trigger that sent you down the wrong road. After all, you told me that relationships are just headaches. That hurt so much more than you realize. A headache. I was a burden to you. Not a joy. Not a happy time you could look back on with fondness. I think that was the moment I realized you didn't want me, and probably never would want me, again. Oh, I don't mean physically--I'm sure you still do. But you won't want that house, that cosplay, that trip, that...future...that we had talked about.
Some might tell me to just get over you already, because we were only dating a few months. But our history was stretched out nearly a year. Two, now. And, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, you were it to me. You were the living embodiment of everything I wanted, and still want.
I just wish you were on the same page. I wish that when you asked if I was seeing someone, it was because you were hoping the answer was no, and that you might still have a chance. I wish that we'd had more time together. I wish I could feel your arms around me again. I wish that the last sentence hadn't brought me to tears.
I also wish you well. I wish you happiness and joy. I wish you find a balance to the inner turmoils you suffer, and the amazing outgoing and generous man you are. I wish, that if you find yourself well, and truly, ready for love, you will come and find me. And I wish, most of all, that we both move onto bigger and better things instead of dwelling on the past.
And goodbye.
That being said, when I give something, or someone, up like this, I tend to vent some of the things I never got to say, or tell them. So here we go.
Dear Dating Site Guy,
There are so many things we never got to say, or do, or learn about each other. I hardly know where to begin. When I think of you now, I feel sad, very sad. And I still miss you. I miss the way you spoke to me, and how we just seemed to get each other right away. The other night, I was listing things in my mind that I would want in/from a man. And it was killing me to see that every single one of them was fulfilled by you. I even blurted out to someone that I had once had the man of my dreams, but that he had rejected me, too.
Yes, you were the man of my dreams. Everything seemed to fall into place with you. The past,the present, the future, it all made sense in a way I hadn't expected.
I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time, though. For a year, maybe 2, leading up to us finally being together, I had been on a downward spiral. And then I lost Single Female Friend, and then I lost you. And as I withdrew, I lost others (albeit those were more temporary). Some couldn't handle the Depression as I fell. Some said things that only aided that monster as it ate at me, and I had to abandon them. It was quicksand. I fought and struggled, only to be pulled deeper with every effort. And before I knew it, I was having panic attacks, anxiety issues, insomnia, Depression, and suicidal thoughts. I had well and truly hit rock bottom.
I needed something to focus on, something to keep me trying. Moonshine was one, but I feared her mortality put a limit on my own future. If I lost her sooner than expected, I was doomed to follow. That was when I started looking into getting a house. At first, I was met with things that should have kept me away, kept me from trying, but then someone at INHP reached out to me and encouraged me to try again. I went into that meeting with hostility and self-assured anger at the world and my situation. But I walked out with the thought that this could actually happen.
As time passed, and some things were getting better, or easier, and I started to feel support instead of constant abandonment, I felt stronger. And then I had a house. And now, I still use the house as something to focus on. I'm not able to focus on my art like I used to, or my writing as I did in the past. But I can do things like replace part of the subfloor in my bathroom. I can replace the sink, and the fan. I can draw up plans for a wall with a trapdoor so that my water main is accessible, but not visible. I can mow the lawn. I can get rid of a bush. I can plant flowers. I can talk to neighbors, and install a security system. I can sit outside and have a fire and roast some marsh-melons. But the moment I sit still, like when I'm driving to and from work, I remember.
Every day, that sadness is still there. The intense, soul-crushing loneliness that makes me think I will be alone forever. The thoughts that lead me back to you once again. The fears, the insecurities, and the intense desire to have you again. The questions about what drove you away, what took you from me.
God help me, if you wanted to give us a try again, and you were sincerely serious, and in a better state of mind...I would be throwing myself at you. But I think you are in denial about what help you might need. Or maybe, you decided that a relationship was the trigger that sent you down the wrong road. After all, you told me that relationships are just headaches. That hurt so much more than you realize. A headache. I was a burden to you. Not a joy. Not a happy time you could look back on with fondness. I think that was the moment I realized you didn't want me, and probably never would want me, again. Oh, I don't mean physically--I'm sure you still do. But you won't want that house, that cosplay, that trip, that...future...that we had talked about.
Some might tell me to just get over you already, because we were only dating a few months. But our history was stretched out nearly a year. Two, now. And, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, you were it to me. You were the living embodiment of everything I wanted, and still want.
I just wish you were on the same page. I wish that when you asked if I was seeing someone, it was because you were hoping the answer was no, and that you might still have a chance. I wish that we'd had more time together. I wish I could feel your arms around me again. I wish that the last sentence hadn't brought me to tears.
I also wish you well. I wish you happiness and joy. I wish you find a balance to the inner turmoils you suffer, and the amazing outgoing and generous man you are. I wish, that if you find yourself well, and truly, ready for love, you will come and find me. And I wish, most of all, that we both move onto bigger and better things instead of dwelling on the past.
And goodbye.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
My own History
I just sat and read all of my entries. From 2013, until the beginning of 2015. I had to stop there. I couldn't bear to read about the first time I met Dating Site Guy. I couldn't bear the next one, which was about Leonard Nimoy's death. I closed the tab.
I've changed a lot over the last few years. I've been in and out of the dating world in different ways. I've lost a significant friendship (Single Female Friend) and realized that she'd lied so much to me, and to others, that she nearly ended my friendship with Second Guy. Mostly, I cried and felt sorry for myself, because I knew that I was trying so hard, and failing so miserably.
I talk to Dating Site Guy all the time. In my head, I mean. I fantasize about telling him off, about giving him my history, about trying to make him understand why it is so hard for me to let go. I realized about a month ago just why that is. Reading these entries confirmed it, in the most painful of ways. You see, Dating Site Guy was literally the man of my dreams. As if someone, somehow, had taken everything I'd ever said I wanted, or needed, and there he was. Finally. And then, I was rejected. Again. Even the man of my dreams doesn't want me.
Lately, I have felt so content in my life. Except my heart is still so empty, so lonely. I feel so sorry for myself. And then angry. And bitter. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to stop feeling it, either.
I've changed a lot over the last few years. I've been in and out of the dating world in different ways. I've lost a significant friendship (Single Female Friend) and realized that she'd lied so much to me, and to others, that she nearly ended my friendship with Second Guy. Mostly, I cried and felt sorry for myself, because I knew that I was trying so hard, and failing so miserably.
I talk to Dating Site Guy all the time. In my head, I mean. I fantasize about telling him off, about giving him my history, about trying to make him understand why it is so hard for me to let go. I realized about a month ago just why that is. Reading these entries confirmed it, in the most painful of ways. You see, Dating Site Guy was literally the man of my dreams. As if someone, somehow, had taken everything I'd ever said I wanted, or needed, and there he was. Finally. And then, I was rejected. Again. Even the man of my dreams doesn't want me.
Lately, I have felt so content in my life. Except my heart is still so empty, so lonely. I feel so sorry for myself. And then angry. And bitter. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to stop feeling it, either.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Hope is Misleading
Dating Site Guy...I texted him after not hearing anything since around Christmas. He asked if I was seeing someone. He asked if we could hang out, because he was going to be in the area for the next few weeks. That dangerous spark came back to life within me. I fought it. He wanted to talk on the phone. We did.
So I told him about last year, and my Depression and Anxiety issues. I told him about being suicidal for months. I told him that I finally dragged myself out of it by going off of BC and focusing on getting the house. I told him how awesome having the house is, and I even told him that it was his fault that I looked into getting a house at all.
Then I demanded to know why he'd asked if I was seeing someone. It was in his voice, he was trying to not say something. All he said was that it would be "awkward to ask to hang out, if I was with someone, and they might not like it". Bull. Shit. He also kept saying he wanted to hang out, and when I told him I was available on Sunday, all day, he kept replying with "maybe".
I told him that he was a fluke, or maybe a miracle. That no one wants me. He replied with, "relationships are a headache". I'm sorry I was such a headache, then.
I think he wants to see me, but he's also scared to see me. I feel the same way. I'd like to think I could play it cool, and aloof, but I'm afraid I will come across as a wooden bitch. Or, he'll say something, or I'll just catch myself staring at him, and suddenly, I'll be a sobbing mess.
I never got to tell him I was falling in love with him.
I think, if we ever do hang out in person, I will have to make an ultimatum. Either you want to be with me, and I might be convinced to give you another chance...or you don't, and I will have to tell you that I can't do the friends thing with you. It hurts too much. Cut all contact, delete all photos, etc, and say goodbye.
So I told him about last year, and my Depression and Anxiety issues. I told him about being suicidal for months. I told him that I finally dragged myself out of it by going off of BC and focusing on getting the house. I told him how awesome having the house is, and I even told him that it was his fault that I looked into getting a house at all.
Then I demanded to know why he'd asked if I was seeing someone. It was in his voice, he was trying to not say something. All he said was that it would be "awkward to ask to hang out, if I was with someone, and they might not like it". Bull. Shit. He also kept saying he wanted to hang out, and when I told him I was available on Sunday, all day, he kept replying with "maybe".
I told him that he was a fluke, or maybe a miracle. That no one wants me. He replied with, "relationships are a headache". I'm sorry I was such a headache, then.
I think he wants to see me, but he's also scared to see me. I feel the same way. I'd like to think I could play it cool, and aloof, but I'm afraid I will come across as a wooden bitch. Or, he'll say something, or I'll just catch myself staring at him, and suddenly, I'll be a sobbing mess.
I never got to tell him I was falling in love with him.
I think, if we ever do hang out in person, I will have to make an ultimatum. Either you want to be with me, and I might be convinced to give you another chance...or you don't, and I will have to tell you that I can't do the friends thing with you. It hurts too much. Cut all contact, delete all photos, etc, and say goodbye.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)