Pipe Dreams

I didn't want to actually start the processes of getting a house this soon. But I found myself really wanting a specific house. And a coworker pushed me to talk to his friend, the realtor and former mortgage loan officer. And so I did. He was great, and optimistic.

He pointed me towards a lady who works for the people who help people like me who are trying to get a house. She was brutal, condescending and short with me. I think she lost all respect for me when I asked what a term was that she used. It was humiliating and I felt terrible. I let my realtor know about it and unfortunately, he agreed with her assessment, since she is the expert.

I was completely discouraged. But for some reason, I went ahead and filled out the forms she'd told me about. Another fellow from the same place emailed me. I explained the situation, but he wouldn't let me go without a fight. He practically begged me to try anyway. And so I will...I am too world-weary to have any hope, though. I've been through too much this year to think I have a shot. But maybe...

The thing is, no matter what, I need several thousand to get everything going...

And today, I REALLY missed Dating Site Guy. Sigh.

Turning Point

Something clicked in the last week. I'm not sure if it was venting on here, and saying the things I hate to think on repeat, or if it was something someone said.

I got my hair cut and dyed by a regular customer from work. She's very nice and cut me a deal, but she and her husband are both very odd people. While she was cutting and we were chatting, she mentioned how a friend of hers never thought she'd own a house, and there she is owning a house. I commented that I wouldn't be able to afford it, because there's all that upkeep with owning a house. She suggested a condo, and I denied that as well, because condos are for the wealthy.

I went home and got on realtor.com and looked. I found that I could buy a condo, with the HOA fees and everything, for less than I pay for my apartment rent. Of course, this is based on excellent credit. I have pretty good credit, last I checked, so I assume I could get a similar deal. But, moving is expensive, and my lease goes through January and I know I couldn't do it any time soon. So I said to myself, "I should own a house or condo by the time I'm 40."

For the first time in months, I said something to myself that indicated a future. For what could be the first time in my life, I set a goal. And it's one I can probably accomplish. 

I guess I better start saving now...

Everything is harder

I had an anxiety attack while cooking breakfast today. It hit me, out of nowhere. I had to lean on the door-jamb with my eyes closed and try to take slow, deep breaths...These attacks vanish just as quickly, but their after-effects last hours. My chest hurts, feels tight, like something sitting on it. The other night, I had one at work that was like an asthma attack. I was wheezing and gasping, and coughing. 

I'm broken. I don't work right. I don't think I ever did, but I could mostly fake it before. I've hit rock bottom and instead of bouncing back, I'm stuck in the sludge.

First Contact Day

On Tuesday, First Contact Day for us Trekkies, I sent a text to Dating Site guy. It was the first contact in well over a month. I was letting him know that 5YM is playing in his town, since he hadn't seen them live yet. We ended up having one of those most of the day text conversations that we used to have...except it was different. Almost...sterile. We were trying to be so careful, the both of us. But I was honest and didn't sugar coat anything when he asked how I'd been. He seemed genuinely upset that I have had such a rough time. When I asked about him, he said he'd had ups and downs, and that work was even worse. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't quit yet.

I can't say that talking to him brought me any hope. To be frank, I don't feel hope, or anything else for that matter. I have been empty, except for sadness and anger. I seriously think I need to look into some kind of help. I don't even have a friend I can talk to about these things, because they all seem to think I should hate him and just "get over it" and just moved on with my life...well, that's fine and all for you to say, but it's not just him. It's my entire life of problems that have just been catching up with me and beating me over the head, and heart. 

Even if he suddenly wanted back into my life, in a romantic capacity, I know I would still need help. I certainly don't think he would "fix me". But, GAWD, I miss him. And that night, after we texted...I didn't cry myself to sleep. That's rare these days.