A Home

Even as you took yourself away and left your family (and me) behind, I put down roots. The day you moved to DC was the day I put in an offer on a house. And I got it. I have a home.

And yet, as the whirlwind of it calms and the waiting game proceeds, I find myself thinking about you again. I had a dream the other night about falling in love with a male friend of mine. It's not like that with him; not at all. But the entire falling in love sequence...that was you. That was my heart, crying out for you again.

I had it planned. When you moved, the next day, I would text you.

"I need you to know three things:

I fell in love with you.
That day in Chicago was the happiest of my life.
No one has ever looked at me the way you did, or spoken directly to my heart like you.

I don't think I will ever feel these things again. I don't think I want to. I will miss everything about you, for always."

Sometimes, I still want to tell you. Then again, sometimes I think it would be a waste of time. You probably wouldn't even reply. Or, worse, if you did, you would apologize again.

Yes, I am thrilled to get a house. Yes, I am happy to finally feel like I've accomplished something in my life. 

But without you, and knowing the future we should have had...I ache. You were all the home I needed.

One Week

Dating Site Guy and I have kept in contact all these months. Sporadically, one of us texts the other. At first, it was mostly me, but then it became mostly him. It was always nice, knowing he still thought of me. Even though we broke up, it was always in the back of my mind that we were on hold, and that we'd try again, someday.

When I was on vacation for my birthday, I heard from him twice. Twice in one week. I figured I was on his mind because of my birthday, but he didn't text me for my actual birthday. I don't know. It kept that hope alive. But now...when I asked how he was doing, after losing his job, he said he was doing okay. I asked if was looking for a new job, or taking a break. And then he told me that he'd already found a job and was moving to DC.

And I fell apart again. I felt abandoned, all over again. How could he leave me? He was the closest to a Soul Mate I'd ever known...and he's leaving me alone. It hurt. He's leaving on Oct. 10. 10-10. It's always been an awful day for me.

After a few nights, I had a dream where, a few years from now, he texted me a photo of him and a woman in a wedding dress. That was how he told me he had moved on...and I hadn't. Ugh.

Another dream I had, the very next night, was that Hates Cats and I were painting a room. It was a deep, cobalt blue. He was up on a ladder, but he came down and suddenly, the paint pan tipped and dumped over his face/hair. I was laughing at him and he came at me, and I screamed at him to not get any on me. And then we tripped and he was over me and paint was dripping on my face, and he was rubbing his cheek on mine, smearing paint all over, while I continued to shriek, this time with laughter. I miss the friendship we once had, but I still have some anger at him and how he treated me.

Confused Heart

I texted Dating Site Guy today, wishing him a happy Father's and saying that I hope they were having fun at the convention. I wasn't planning on going, but then my Sunday plans got canceled and I was thinking about it. Then he texted that he was wearing a kilt. My heart fell through the floor, or was that my tongue?

Our texts were very flirty, and he even offered to pay for my ticket in, not knowing I had a 3 day pass. I really wanted to see him, because I wasn't sure about...well...anything after the brief run-in on Friday. We didn't see each other or text at all Saturday.

I ended up deciding to go and tracked him down just in time for him to say that his son was very tired and wanted to go home. As I walked up, I tried to whistle, but ended up laughing instead when he turned on his toe and showed off his legs. This time we talked about ten minutes. He slipped me a twenty, saying it was for parking and anything else I wanted. I said I might use it to go to the movies, which was the other thing I had been considering. He told me to go and have a good time. I once again marveled at how easily we spoke, and I even teased and talked to his son a bit.

The confusion set in later, when I realized how much I still want him, and yes, still love him. Was the money because he feels guilty about how things were? My gut says no, because he is really a very generous person. Once, in the middle of talking, he excused himself to spend $200 on his best friend. Because he can. I don't think he was trying to make amends; not really. The real confusion was because he was....He was him again. He was the man I knew...before. And the pain of knowing I may never have him again....it hit me, hard. Even now, as I was typing all of this, we texted a bit, and there was that flirty overtone again. 

Would I try again with him? In a heartbeat. I don't even hesitate in that thought. It wouldn't be easy, and he'd really have to prove himself for a while, but it would be worth it.

It doesn't matter, though. Because I'll never get that chance again.

Heartbeat

I saw him today. I was walking to Registration, to get my badge for the convention and I heard my name....his voice...It was a brief conversation, following a brief, almost-awkward hug. I met his son. 

And my heart started beating again. 

As we walked away from each other, I wanted to cry and scream, and I wanted to do nothing more than run back to him and demand his love.

But I walked on, I smothered those tears, I swallowed the pain...and my heart beat again.

So Not Over You

Indy Pop Con is this weekend. And it was something Dating Site Guy and I were going to do together, with his son. We were going to have a Doctor Who day, where he was going to be the Doctor, I would be Donna, and his son was going to be a Cyberman. As I've been planning what to wear, what to carry with me, where to park, etc, he's been on my mind a lot more. I know; how could it be more? He's on  my mind every day, still. 

Yesterday, he texted me--we've had a few texts over the past months, but mostly, it was me reaching out first. He was checking on me--I think because of Pop Con. And because he was on his way back to Indiana with his son for the summer. I know I must have been in his thoughts as well. Maybe he's been having the same thoughts: what if we run into each other at Pop Con? What if seeing each other is too hard? What if it's too easy? What if my heart breaks even more...

Then, I dreamt last night of hanging out with him and his son. And a song was playing in the dream, and now it's stuck in my head. In the dream, he had to take a phone call and his son and I were doing a puzzle on the floor. Suddenly, he knocked a big glass of orange juice over and I was sopping it up with a towel. Not a very impressive dream. I'm not even sure about the meaning behind it (though I could speculate about cleaning up after him). But this song...

The Song 

Awkward

Yesterday, I went to Hates Cats' daughter's birthday party. His ex had posted on FB that several of the little girl's friends had canceled. I became emotional, and my heart ached, thinking that she could be so sad and upset that she had a special event and no one showed up. So I went. Hates Cats was awkward towards me, again. I ended up talking to the Ex's boyfriend for a while, just chit-chat about looking for a house, telling stories, etc. Keeping occupied while she ran around running a party, ya know?

But even worse  was today, when she suddenly (and for the first time EVER) messaged me on FB. She said she had questions for me and I was suddenly afraid she might think I was flirting with him yesterday. She really just wanted someone to talk to about her insecurities and how he doesn't claim her as the girlfriend and why not, etc etc. Legit concerns, but like I pointed out to her, artists/musicians can be among the more sensitive; the softer. They don't pull Caveman tactics of MY WOMAN UGH. She agreed and said I was right about artists.

It was also weird when she spoke about Hates Cats. Some of the things she said were not like the man I know, or knew. I nearly said something about how close he and I had gotten. I don't mean the make-out session; I mean we were actually good friends, I thought. Now I have no idea. He seems hesitant to speak to me anymore. It might be because he knows I'd call him on his actions this year...he has a girlfriend, and they just moved in together. After barely dating 6 months. Okay, that's fast, but also, I worry because you know that they must have put her info on the apartment stuff, because there's no way he qualified.

But I digress. He seems happy, which is weird. Part of Hates Cats' personality is that he's never happy. Even when he's happy. I have no qualms with him. I disagree with a lot of decisions he's made, but it's his life, not mine. And I'm not as a part of it as I was.

Total Eclipse

Every now and then
I know you'll never be the boy
You always wanted to be
(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as you
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's nothing any better
There's nothing that I just wouldn't do
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn Around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart

Total Eclipse of the Heart

And Another

I had a fourth dream a few nights ago. In this one, I was introducing him to my family. I said, "This is <Dating Site Guy> and we're getting married."

My subconscious hurt my feelings. How do you even deal with that?

No.

I had another dream about Dating Site Guy. Only in this one, he was contacting me to let me know that he was dying.

In my Dreams

Twice in the last two weeks, I dreamt of you. We've been doing something relatively mundane, like assembling a piece of furniture, when suddenly, you turn to me. "I want you back," you say, tone and body language serious, though you'd been laughing only moments before. "I need you back."

In the dream, I don't remember replying. I don't remember much after that point. I do remember waking up and wondering if there's some kind of stupid psychic connection and that maybe you do want me again. But then I remember that I don't believe in that kind of crap.

It still hurts. It always will. An open wound, forever bleeding and unable to heal. I watched the emotions get shut away. I saw the doors closing. The feelings are still there, just buried and inaccessible. It's not fair, to either of us.

Pipe Dreams

I didn't want to actually start the processes of getting a house this soon. But I found myself really wanting a specific house. And a coworker pushed me to talk to his friend, the realtor and former mortgage loan officer. And so I did. He was great, and optimistic.

He pointed me towards a lady who works for the people who help people like me who are trying to get a house. She was brutal, condescending and short with me. I think she lost all respect for me when I asked what a term was that she used. It was humiliating and I felt terrible. I let my realtor know about it and unfortunately, he agreed with her assessment, since she is the expert.

I was completely discouraged. But for some reason, I went ahead and filled out the forms she'd told me about. Another fellow from the same place emailed me. I explained the situation, but he wouldn't let me go without a fight. He practically begged me to try anyway. And so I will...I am too world-weary to have any hope, though. I've been through too much this year to think I have a shot. But maybe...

The thing is, no matter what, I need several thousand to get everything going...

And today, I REALLY missed Dating Site Guy. Sigh.

Turning Point

Something clicked in the last week. I'm not sure if it was venting on here, and saying the things I hate to think on repeat, or if it was something someone said.

I got my hair cut and dyed by a regular customer from work. She's very nice and cut me a deal, but she and her husband are both very odd people. While she was cutting and we were chatting, she mentioned how a friend of hers never thought she'd own a house, and there she is owning a house. I commented that I wouldn't be able to afford it, because there's all that upkeep with owning a house. She suggested a condo, and I denied that as well, because condos are for the wealthy.

I went home and got on realtor.com and looked. I found that I could buy a condo, with the HOA fees and everything, for less than I pay for my apartment rent. Of course, this is based on excellent credit. I have pretty good credit, last I checked, so I assume I could get a similar deal. But, moving is expensive, and my lease goes through January and I know I couldn't do it any time soon. So I said to myself, "I should own a house or condo by the time I'm 40."

For the first time in months, I said something to myself that indicated a future. For what could be the first time in my life, I set a goal. And it's one I can probably accomplish. 

I guess I better start saving now...

Everything is harder

I had an anxiety attack while cooking breakfast today. It hit me, out of nowhere. I had to lean on the door-jamb with my eyes closed and try to take slow, deep breaths...These attacks vanish just as quickly, but their after-effects last hours. My chest hurts, feels tight, like something sitting on it. The other night, I had one at work that was like an asthma attack. I was wheezing and gasping, and coughing. 

I'm broken. I don't work right. I don't think I ever did, but I could mostly fake it before. I've hit rock bottom and instead of bouncing back, I'm stuck in the sludge.

First Contact Day

On Tuesday, First Contact Day for us Trekkies, I sent a text to Dating Site guy. It was the first contact in well over a month. I was letting him know that 5YM is playing in his town, since he hadn't seen them live yet. We ended up having one of those most of the day text conversations that we used to have...except it was different. Almost...sterile. We were trying to be so careful, the both of us. But I was honest and didn't sugar coat anything when he asked how I'd been. He seemed genuinely upset that I have had such a rough time. When I asked about him, he said he'd had ups and downs, and that work was even worse. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't quit yet.

I can't say that talking to him brought me any hope. To be frank, I don't feel hope, or anything else for that matter. I have been empty, except for sadness and anger. I seriously think I need to look into some kind of help. I don't even have a friend I can talk to about these things, because they all seem to think I should hate him and just "get over it" and just moved on with my life...well, that's fine and all for you to say, but it's not just him. It's my entire life of problems that have just been catching up with me and beating me over the head, and heart. 

Even if he suddenly wanted back into my life, in a romantic capacity, I know I would still need help. I certainly don't think he would "fix me". But, GAWD, I miss him. And that night, after we texted...I didn't cry myself to sleep. That's rare these days.

I still cry myself to sleep most nights

Twice in my life I have seen a new couple interacting together and just knew they were going to be together forever. I'm not saying that other couples aren't going to last, or that those couples are perfect. It's just that they're perfect for each other.

I was asking myself the other day, exactly one month since I last texted him, why I just can't seem to stop crying myself to sleep at night. And I replied, "Well, it's because I thought we were forever." And it hit me. For the first, and only time in my life, I had had that certainty about us. I had no doubt we were meant to be. 

It's the closest thing to a Soulmate I can explain, or that I've experienced. And while I've been slowly, very slowly feeling better...I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. 

What's worse is thinking about all of this at work and having one of my cashiers just suddenly, and quite randomly, say that she thinks we'll end up together one day. I don't know if wanting to believe that is hope, or desperation. 

Hard to Believe

It's been two months since I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. Full of purpose and completely sure of what I was doing.

It's been one month since it all ended.

Not Impressed

So far, 2016 feels like the Year of No.

Can I have a close female friend for the first time in my life? No
Can I finally have an amazing man in my life? No.
Can I go to Vegas for Star Trek's 50th anniversary? No.
Can I use my all-in-one printer/scanner on this laptop? No.
Can I have a perfect check-up, as I always have? No. 

 Single Female Friend has dropped me. She did so some time in January, I guess, though I kept trying and trying until February. I finally gave up only a matter of days before Dating Site Guy ended things. I lost 95% of my social life within less than a week.

Around the same time, I realized that it just wasn't financially feasible for me to attend the big 50th in Vegas this year. In fact, it would take several thousand dollars to afford it, and at the very most, I had $1200 to work with. 

I wrote and drew a comic inspired by the friends who have been keeping tabs on me lately. I wanted to scan it, and give it a real comic treatment, but then I found out that my AIO is no longer supported at all...it's too old. I would laugh, but it bummed me out.

I had my physical last week. They always say that "no news is good news" when it comes to your lab work. I know that sometimes they still call, just to let you know everything looks okay. They usually even say that, if they leave a voicemail. So when I got the message that said, "Please call us back about your lab results"...I was a little worried. It turns out that everything else is great, well within the normal levels and healthy...except my thyroid. It looks like it's under-active. They want to run more blood work to be sure, but I looked it up on the Mayo Clinic website and their list of symptoms...well, I've had 80-90% of them in the last couple of years. Including depression. I almost hope I DO need medication for this. Maybe it can help me.

Not Well

I am a broken individual.

Gray Skies

I have never felt more lonely, or listless.

I wish you knew

I wish you knew how much this weekend was going to mean to me, to us. I knew you might have to work. I was content just being in the same vicinity as you. I was going to clean your kitchen, since the Bachelorhood had taken over. I was going to cook us dinner. I was going to tell you that I was falling in love with you. 

I wish you knew that I could help. I wish you knew that I could take care of you. That I can handle the ugliness. I know; it would have hurt seeing that you had no feelings in your eyes. but I also know that things would get better. 

I wish you knew all the things I never said, I held back, I hid away. 

I wish you knew that I am not angry. I do not wish you ill. I want only wants best for you. I want you to get help. I want you to get better. I want you to know that.

Again

I'm so stupid. Here I am again, heartbroken. I really thought this was it; this was the one for me. Everything aligned so right, so perfectly. I should've known better than to have hope.

I know he's gotta deal with his PTSD and other things. I hope he does. But why does he have to withdraw and push me away in order to do it? Why can't I be a part of it? 

Best Date Ever

I went to Dating Site Guy's place after work last Friday night. We watched some British comedy series, laughed our asses off, and had dinner. Then we went to bed, made out (oh, we were making out off and on all night, of course), and even though we both wanted more, we agreed that we shouldn't do more just yet. We slept in the same bed with separate covers. 

He made me breakfast and then, after he played 3 songs on the guitar for me (swooooon), we got dressed and headed for Chicago. We were really relaxed and on our own time. Since he has a membership to the Shedd Aquarium, we got to walk past the queue outside in the cold rain. Went straight in and started exploring. Found a guy doing caricatures and he asked if I wanted one. So we both got one. We took pics on his phone of us wearing silly jellyfish hats, but we didn't get any pics together. We laughed and smiled so much, he even commented that his cheeks were sore. 

We also had a serious talk about not moving too fast. He said he wants me to know I'm cherished and respected before things get too intense.

I am SO smitten.

When I said we had all weekend, he said he was taking me away to Chicago. But then work said he had to leave town Sunday. he said, SCREW the prep stuff he needed to do and we went anyway. And he kept telling me how beautiful I am, sexy, and randomly he would say "How YOU doin'?" like Joey from Friends and I would burst into giggles---he liked doing that in the middle of making out. He would also tell me, randomly, that he likes me. When I said it, he looked me in the eye and said, "I know." It was very Star Wars.

He picked me up! Physically picked me up! I think, just to prove that he can!! He said, "why didn't you put your legs around my waist?" I said, "Uhhh, I was in shock?"

Tuesday night, I go from work again, and I'm hanging out while he works some. Since he doesn't have a specific schedule, he should only have a few calls to be a part of, we'll get time together. I'm going to bring my drawing stuff, and laundry. He was asking me to come over again and I said, well, I have to do laundry first, so I could come over Wednesday after. He got a pouty face going and then said I could use his machines.

He's not perfect, though I tend to dwell on the good things. But he and I click so well, we just...fit. 

It's a crazy thought, but I had one: what if the reason Dating Site Guy had to disappear was so that I could get things sorted out with Hates Cats. Unfortunately, that meant getting my hopes up and then having them dashed so bad that the crush I'd had for years died.  With those feelings gone, and anything residual that may have stuck, my heart was completely free and open for Dating Site Guy. It's an interesting theory, at least.