It’s been a long time since anyone has asked. I think everyone gave up on me. But I want to delve into why I’m not in the dating world, and why the very idea causes such a visceral reaction in me. I talk about my Depression and Suicidal times in 2016 openly, and some people know the various events that lead to the downward spiral and hitting rock bottom. I’m going to be repeating some already known things, and some that may be new.
Previous to 2015/16 if someone asked that question, I would have just said that no one wanted me; I am invisible. I still feel that way most of the time, but these days, when someone talks about dating…it causes a very real and frightening reaction within me. I am immediately full of anger and anxiety and my fight or flight kicks in, strong. I don’t want to talk about it; I don’t want to talk about your dating life—especially if it’s prolific or going well. It’s an awful thing to think and feel when a dear friend wants to share these happy moments. I just try to smile, focus on their happiness and express the correct things, while inside my everything wants out.
I’ve been rejected my entire life; told I’m not good enough for most things (and yes, this is a form of rejection). But usually these moments are far enough between to allow time to adjust or recover. It’s hard to bounce back when you keep getting shoved back down. Eventually, you’re not able to bounce at all—you’re either pinned to the bottom, or there’s not enough energy to start the bounce. Let me paint a visual.
Picture jumping into a pool: sometimes you reach the bottom and sometimes you don’t; sometimes you hit the bottom with your feet and can push yourself back up quickly; sometimes your butt hits the bottom and you bounce…occasionally more than once. Eventually, you’re not able to bounce at all—you’re either pinned to the bottom, or there’s not enough energy to start the bounce, but you drift upwards. Now imagine any of those with someone above you, denying your access to the surface, to breathe. They hold you down, but most of the time you can get past them and reach the open air before you drown, even if it’s a struggle. In 2016, I hit the bottom, was held firmly to it, and slowly lost each precious air bubble…watching them as they left me, unable to stop them as the pressure on my chest increased and I welcomed the darkness at the edges of my vision, if only for the pain to end.
In the last part of 2016, HatesCats blew me off and I followed up with going on a date with Just Friends in Sept 2015. I guess it was a petty version of “Oh yeah, watch me move on!” We had a nice time, I thought he might even kiss me, but he didn’t. I waited a few days and asked him on a second date, and he said no, and friend zoned me (we’re still friends and it’s much better that way, honest). Right after that was Dating Site Guy coming back into my life. Then I lost Single Female Friend, and Dating Site Guy, and everything else.
What it boils down to is this: everything about dating has ended in rejection for me. And the last time I was in that world, I lost myself, and nearly lost my life. There is a part of me who is so terrified about that connection…that if I try again, I will be rejected again and again and end up…dead. It sounds stupid, and maybe melodramatic. But the fear real. Very, very real. I don’t truly believe that I will hit that ultimate low again, because I’m a very different person now. But the fear lives on. When people say dating is fun, or you should date for fun; it is an unknown concept. Like they’re speaking a foreign language.
I don’t want to get into the dating world. I don’t want to deal with all the idiotic games and inappropriate approaches. I don’t want to deal with being invisible, unwanted, and rejected. But I am so incredibly lonely. I want Flannel Man so much. He sees me; really, truly sees me. And even though I’m not supposed to be “waiting for him” …I am. And I just can’t bring myself to download any dating apps or anything else again.
