Friday, December 26, 2014
Say what?
Well, here is a huge reason gk2gk.com sucks. You have to pay to see anyone's photos. At all. So a guy who seems nice sent me a flirt today. He's younger (32), but seems nice enough, and it's possible we could get along. Not date, perhaps, but at least indoctrinate him into the Cool Kids Club (ie, the Five Year Mission fan club haha). I am not a shallow person, but I need to be able to see what someone looks like before I choose to talk to them. This is ridiculous. My only option is to send a "quick flirt" anyway. I can read aaaaallllllll the messages I receive, but I can only send to someone with a "gold" membership. Yes, their prices are cheap, but I refuse to pay. Refuse.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Shopping
Sometimes, HatesCats throws me so many signals, I get lost in the metaphors. This morning, before I was actually ready to be awake, I had a message from him. He remembered I mentioned I was going to go to his shop today. He asked what time, because he's gotta be gone. Eventually, it lead to him saying he's gotta do some Christmas shopping, and then he asked if I would like to go with him. Which lead to me actually being the driver.
We went to Half Price Books and Toys R Us, and even though it's this time of year, and the week before Christmas (and crowded!), we were calm and relaxed. We had fun shopping and joking together. We talked about a lot of things, and it was just nice.
Then at his shop, he opened the gifts I got him. I made sure to give him things he could use at the shop, and a few extras from conversations I remembered. I wish we'd been alone there, too. We walked out to our cars (he had to go get his kid) and he gave me one of his amazing patented hugs. We chatted again, and probably would still be, but I had to finally tell him to go get his kid.
Basically, things are very good between us. I feel like our friendship is growing and we are good for each other. I mean that in a platonic way at this time. Because we all know the crush is only being pushed down. Like I told Single Female Friend, things may become more later, but for now, this is great. I know he gets lonely and I know he often withdraws. So seeing him reaching out and trying to be social is so great!!
We went to Half Price Books and Toys R Us, and even though it's this time of year, and the week before Christmas (and crowded!), we were calm and relaxed. We had fun shopping and joking together. We talked about a lot of things, and it was just nice.
Then at his shop, he opened the gifts I got him. I made sure to give him things he could use at the shop, and a few extras from conversations I remembered. I wish we'd been alone there, too. We walked out to our cars (he had to go get his kid) and he gave me one of his amazing patented hugs. We chatted again, and probably would still be, but I had to finally tell him to go get his kid.
Basically, things are very good between us. I feel like our friendship is growing and we are good for each other. I mean that in a platonic way at this time. Because we all know the crush is only being pushed down. Like I told Single Female Friend, things may become more later, but for now, this is great. I know he gets lonely and I know he often withdraws. So seeing him reaching out and trying to be social is so great!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
These two...
Second Guy has really blown it. Big time. There's been a strange phenomena with him on FB anyway. It seems that in person with me, he's charming, witty and friendly and kind. But on FB, I'm one of the dudes. He treats Single Female Friend as if she's a dainty and delicate flower.
For example, a little over a month ago, she and I had car problems on the same road. Mine was the loss of a hub cap, hers was a flat tire. Now yes, hers was more serious. However, on my status about mine, I got sarcasm and harassment (fine in theory), but the very next day, on her status about her flat, he was kind and offered help and basically wanted to rescue her. Okay, so I don't exactly want him anymore, but still. I'm a girl too. Why don't I ever get the encouraging things? If I post something about being down or angry about something, I get: "Oh, don't be angry.". If she posts something, he says, "You're such a wonderful person and so strong and things will get better soon and you'll bounce back and have some glitter and rainbows!!" I think, in my professional opinion, he still hopes she'll change her mind and want him, and he's doing his best to keep me at a "safe" distance.
I wanted to talk to him about all this. We made dinner plans last Friday to exchange convention stories, and for me to give him his autographs we'd arranged for me to procure. I went a bit early to hang out with Hates Cats, since it's nearby. We were having a great time, chatting, being silly, as we do. He was trying to convince me that this was an actual date with Second Guy and I was trying to explain that it really, really wasn't. And how. I suddenly realized that it was 6:20 and I hadn't heard from SG. I panicked, thinking I'd screwed up and that we weren't meeting at the shop first. Oh no, it seems he'd lost track of time. A bit later, I went to the restaurant to meet him, since he said he was on his way. Another fifteen minutes later, he shows up. This was 6:45, and we were supposed to meet at 6. He lives within walking distance of the restaurant, so I was curious as to what exactly made him so late.
When he showed up, I knew he'd been smoking. Not cigarettes. We ordered and he suddenly declared that he was paying for dinner. I knew he was sucking up. I didn't change what I was going to order, though. I won't take advantage of a friend, especially one in an altered state. Twenty minutes into dinner, he admits that he was late because he smoked a bowl and it made him lose track of time. I was pretty mad on the inside. I tried to remain calm and civil, but GAWD, what a stupid reason to be so late. He was home around 4, had time to shower and change and smoke (if he HAD to, which is BS) and still be on time. Instead, he made me feel like I didn't matter one bit to him. He had two beers at dinner.
Still sucking up, he took me to see some art. Which he even said, "it's not my bag and I don't really get it, it's not fun, but we can go." Gee, thanks. But I was trying to chill out and enjoy his company, despite him. He had a little wine while we were walking around a gallery. Then he suggested going to a place that serves special meads. I had a glass (he bought), and he had two. Then he ran into some friends. Which happened a lot and he was sure to introduce me. Some might say he was trying to show me off, but I know he was still sucking up because of being so late.
Finally, we made it over to the comic shop and hung out with Hates Cats and another friend. Hates Cats had been amazing all evening. We messaged back and forth a bit and I had told him why Second Guy was late. He was supportive and said that we could talk more about things if I wanted to later. Seeing him again was like a breath of fresh air, after holding in the bad air and anger all night. I was nearly emotionally exhausted by that point and was saying I wanted to head home. Second Guy seemed eager for me to go. Hates Cats looked me in the eye and asked me to go with them to see some band. The other friend said he'd go if I did. So I decided to go ahead, since it was still early (10 pm).
The first band was very good and I started to relax. Other Friend bought Hates Cats and I drinks. Second Guy had another 2 or 3 beers. Basically, I was able to ignore Second Guy, and he ignored me. But Hates Cats and I were messaging, though we sat beside each other. We'd also speak at times, but you know how it is in musical venues. We were flirting and being silly, and I was having a great time. The second band was okay, but their songs sounded all the same. Hates Cats asked me if I wanted to split. I said yes and asked if he'd also walk me to my car. He agreed.
We went to his store and for a moment, my heart was pounding. We were alone, the blinds were drawn and the lights were dim and I suddenly found it hard to ignore the crush I have on him. I try to keep it at a certain level of playfulness, but right then, I wanted to push the lines. We went to my car, and despite the cold and rain, and he wasn't wearing a hat, we stood there and talked another ten minutes. Then we hugged (he gives the best hugs, no doubt), and I headed home.
We ended up chatting on FB after that, too. Very flirty, very silly. I really think we could be amazing together. But the next morning, we had a heart to heart. We basically admitted that it's mutual, this desire...but that he's still very messed up from his marriage splitting up. He's so hurt and his ego is so bruised, he's still in that "I'll never be able to love again" phase. And I've been there. I know that feeling. I was able to get over it, eventually, and work through things. I still find myself utterly terrified at the prospect of falling in love, but I'm willing to try. He's not. He's afraid it would hurt our friendship, ruin everything...because he's convinced he'll screw things up. Mostly because he won't be "in it".
Some day, I will have a conversation with a guy that isn't all about why we can't be together. Today is not that day. But I understand where he is right now, and I can only hope that he works things out like I did. I can push things back to that certain level again, and I can crush that hope that he'll want me when he's ready. But I can't hold my breath. And I'm not limiting myself. And there's no way in hell Second Guy is in my sights. Not now, not ever again maybe. I don't hold grudges, but he's gotta do more than buy me dinner to recover. He needs to understand that I'm a human, and a girl, and I deserve better than I get from him.
For example, a little over a month ago, she and I had car problems on the same road. Mine was the loss of a hub cap, hers was a flat tire. Now yes, hers was more serious. However, on my status about mine, I got sarcasm and harassment (fine in theory), but the very next day, on her status about her flat, he was kind and offered help and basically wanted to rescue her. Okay, so I don't exactly want him anymore, but still. I'm a girl too. Why don't I ever get the encouraging things? If I post something about being down or angry about something, I get: "Oh, don't be angry.". If she posts something, he says, "You're such a wonderful person and so strong and things will get better soon and you'll bounce back and have some glitter and rainbows!!" I think, in my professional opinion, he still hopes she'll change her mind and want him, and he's doing his best to keep me at a "safe" distance.
I wanted to talk to him about all this. We made dinner plans last Friday to exchange convention stories, and for me to give him his autographs we'd arranged for me to procure. I went a bit early to hang out with Hates Cats, since it's nearby. We were having a great time, chatting, being silly, as we do. He was trying to convince me that this was an actual date with Second Guy and I was trying to explain that it really, really wasn't. And how. I suddenly realized that it was 6:20 and I hadn't heard from SG. I panicked, thinking I'd screwed up and that we weren't meeting at the shop first. Oh no, it seems he'd lost track of time. A bit later, I went to the restaurant to meet him, since he said he was on his way. Another fifteen minutes later, he shows up. This was 6:45, and we were supposed to meet at 6. He lives within walking distance of the restaurant, so I was curious as to what exactly made him so late.
When he showed up, I knew he'd been smoking. Not cigarettes. We ordered and he suddenly declared that he was paying for dinner. I knew he was sucking up. I didn't change what I was going to order, though. I won't take advantage of a friend, especially one in an altered state. Twenty minutes into dinner, he admits that he was late because he smoked a bowl and it made him lose track of time. I was pretty mad on the inside. I tried to remain calm and civil, but GAWD, what a stupid reason to be so late. He was home around 4, had time to shower and change and smoke (if he HAD to, which is BS) and still be on time. Instead, he made me feel like I didn't matter one bit to him. He had two beers at dinner.
Still sucking up, he took me to see some art. Which he even said, "it's not my bag and I don't really get it, it's not fun, but we can go." Gee, thanks. But I was trying to chill out and enjoy his company, despite him. He had a little wine while we were walking around a gallery. Then he suggested going to a place that serves special meads. I had a glass (he bought), and he had two. Then he ran into some friends. Which happened a lot and he was sure to introduce me. Some might say he was trying to show me off, but I know he was still sucking up because of being so late.
Finally, we made it over to the comic shop and hung out with Hates Cats and another friend. Hates Cats had been amazing all evening. We messaged back and forth a bit and I had told him why Second Guy was late. He was supportive and said that we could talk more about things if I wanted to later. Seeing him again was like a breath of fresh air, after holding in the bad air and anger all night. I was nearly emotionally exhausted by that point and was saying I wanted to head home. Second Guy seemed eager for me to go. Hates Cats looked me in the eye and asked me to go with them to see some band. The other friend said he'd go if I did. So I decided to go ahead, since it was still early (10 pm).
The first band was very good and I started to relax. Other Friend bought Hates Cats and I drinks. Second Guy had another 2 or 3 beers. Basically, I was able to ignore Second Guy, and he ignored me. But Hates Cats and I were messaging, though we sat beside each other. We'd also speak at times, but you know how it is in musical venues. We were flirting and being silly, and I was having a great time. The second band was okay, but their songs sounded all the same. Hates Cats asked me if I wanted to split. I said yes and asked if he'd also walk me to my car. He agreed.
We went to his store and for a moment, my heart was pounding. We were alone, the blinds were drawn and the lights were dim and I suddenly found it hard to ignore the crush I have on him. I try to keep it at a certain level of playfulness, but right then, I wanted to push the lines. We went to my car, and despite the cold and rain, and he wasn't wearing a hat, we stood there and talked another ten minutes. Then we hugged (he gives the best hugs, no doubt), and I headed home.
We ended up chatting on FB after that, too. Very flirty, very silly. I really think we could be amazing together. But the next morning, we had a heart to heart. We basically admitted that it's mutual, this desire...but that he's still very messed up from his marriage splitting up. He's so hurt and his ego is so bruised, he's still in that "I'll never be able to love again" phase. And I've been there. I know that feeling. I was able to get over it, eventually, and work through things. I still find myself utterly terrified at the prospect of falling in love, but I'm willing to try. He's not. He's afraid it would hurt our friendship, ruin everything...because he's convinced he'll screw things up. Mostly because he won't be "in it".
Some day, I will have a conversation with a guy that isn't all about why we can't be together. Today is not that day. But I understand where he is right now, and I can only hope that he works things out like I did. I can push things back to that certain level again, and I can crush that hope that he'll want me when he's ready. But I can't hold my breath. And I'm not limiting myself. And there's no way in hell Second Guy is in my sights. Not now, not ever again maybe. I don't hold grudges, but he's gotta do more than buy me dinner to recover. He needs to understand that I'm a human, and a girl, and I deserve better than I get from him.
Friday, October 17, 2014
What a week...
Early in the week, I was asked on a date. By a greasy, stinky Papa John's delivery guy. In his 40's. His body odor somehow overpowers the smell of garlic and onions on him. He's a semi-regular customer, and a geek, so we've had some breezy discussions before. But he never made any kind of impression on me whatsoever and I, quite frankly, forget about him the second he leaves. But now I'll remember him. He asked if he could buy me a coffee sometime. I shook my head and said, "No thank you" as quietly and politely as I could, seeing as there were two ladies standing RIGHT THERE. Ugh. He's just gross. And, seriously, a delivery guy at his age? If there is a solid, logical reason for that, fine, but first impressions...?
Then I was having a lousy day at work on Thursday. A lady filed a stupid complaint about me, and some rude kid threw money at me and I was just at my wit's end...when I look up and there's Second Guy. He was charming, witty and made me laugh and smile again. He was everything I needed at that moment. This is the second time since I've known him that I've been having a bad day and he came by my store to make me feel better. He can be so very sweet.
It's funny about him. A few weeks ago, Single Female Friend and Second Guy ran into each other at an event. They ended up chatting, and he drank enough to really open up to her. He expressed regret about the way he'd gone after her. Well, good. But he also expressed regret about the way things went with me. And he said that he wasn't sure what made him stop, and back off, but there was something he couldn't put his finger on. I wish I knew what it was. I'm not saying I want to rekindle things with him, but it would be nice to know.
Now, today, I finally decided to text Fireman. I haven't heard from him since July, when I sent that last text and he never replied. I have only seen him a handful of times in the store since then, too. Sometimes, things were normal, sometimes very tense, and once, just plain weird. I sent him a light message just saying that I never get to see him anymore. He replied with "Who is this?" And that hurt. But I replied and said it was Helen. A long while later, I get "How did we meet, Helen?"
Let me see now. How many Helens does he know? How many that text him? How many would complain about not getting to see him? And WOW, did I make such an impression on him that he didn't even know who I was? I finally said I was the Helen at CVS and he came back with such a poorly worded, confusing text that I'm not 100% sure of what it is he said. Something about being busy, things have been crazy, lost contacts, new phone. Blah.
So, yeah. What a week. Sigh.
Then I was having a lousy day at work on Thursday. A lady filed a stupid complaint about me, and some rude kid threw money at me and I was just at my wit's end...when I look up and there's Second Guy. He was charming, witty and made me laugh and smile again. He was everything I needed at that moment. This is the second time since I've known him that I've been having a bad day and he came by my store to make me feel better. He can be so very sweet.
It's funny about him. A few weeks ago, Single Female Friend and Second Guy ran into each other at an event. They ended up chatting, and he drank enough to really open up to her. He expressed regret about the way he'd gone after her. Well, good. But he also expressed regret about the way things went with me. And he said that he wasn't sure what made him stop, and back off, but there was something he couldn't put his finger on. I wish I knew what it was. I'm not saying I want to rekindle things with him, but it would be nice to know.
Now, today, I finally decided to text Fireman. I haven't heard from him since July, when I sent that last text and he never replied. I have only seen him a handful of times in the store since then, too. Sometimes, things were normal, sometimes very tense, and once, just plain weird. I sent him a light message just saying that I never get to see him anymore. He replied with "Who is this?" And that hurt. But I replied and said it was Helen. A long while later, I get "How did we meet, Helen?"
Let me see now. How many Helens does he know? How many that text him? How many would complain about not getting to see him? And WOW, did I make such an impression on him that he didn't even know who I was? I finally said I was the Helen at CVS and he came back with such a poorly worded, confusing text that I'm not 100% sure of what it is he said. Something about being busy, things have been crazy, lost contacts, new phone. Blah.
So, yeah. What a week. Sigh.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
We all crazy
Dear Men,
I know so many of you believe that "b*tches be crazy". And I agree that there are indeed a large group of them that are. However, I am not one of them. Very often, what you chalk up to being "crazy" is often our reactions to your own behaviors. Which, to be fair, can also be very crazy and disturbing to us. You hide your true feelings in an attempt to be manly, and "maintain face". We are left bewildered and hurt.
Everything I've just said makes us all human. However, I believe in honesty and communication. Even when it hurts. Even when it hurts you. But it's usually something that needs to be said. The hurt lasts only a short time, at least for me. I don't hold grudges. I don't lament and ache for a long time. Eventually, I become matter-of-fact about whatever happened between us (or in most cases, didn't). I can talk about it all, including my hurt and heartache, without being freshly upset.
That doesn't mean there's no pain inside. It's not aimed or caused by one man alone. It's a series of events, a pattern, a flow of thought from within. Sometimes, we have beaten ourselves down. Sometimes we have allowed ourselves to be beaten.
In this day and age of communication at everyone's fingertips, why does it seem so hard to just say what we mean, and mean what we say? Why must we speak in riddles and make confusing choices--which may have made sense, had an explanation been given.
What I mean to say is...Men, if b*tches be crazy...it takes one to know one.
~Me
I know so many of you believe that "b*tches be crazy". And I agree that there are indeed a large group of them that are. However, I am not one of them. Very often, what you chalk up to being "crazy" is often our reactions to your own behaviors. Which, to be fair, can also be very crazy and disturbing to us. You hide your true feelings in an attempt to be manly, and "maintain face". We are left bewildered and hurt.
Everything I've just said makes us all human. However, I believe in honesty and communication. Even when it hurts. Even when it hurts you. But it's usually something that needs to be said. The hurt lasts only a short time, at least for me. I don't hold grudges. I don't lament and ache for a long time. Eventually, I become matter-of-fact about whatever happened between us (or in most cases, didn't). I can talk about it all, including my hurt and heartache, without being freshly upset.
That doesn't mean there's no pain inside. It's not aimed or caused by one man alone. It's a series of events, a pattern, a flow of thought from within. Sometimes, we have beaten ourselves down. Sometimes we have allowed ourselves to be beaten.
In this day and age of communication at everyone's fingertips, why does it seem so hard to just say what we mean, and mean what we say? Why must we speak in riddles and make confusing choices--which may have made sense, had an explanation been given.
What I mean to say is...Men, if b*tches be crazy...it takes one to know one.
~Me
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Unsolicited
I made the mistake of saying something about my lack of dating life on my FB and then I remembered why I never do that. Unsolicited advice came from the woodwork. Accusations of negativity and supposed anger. I'm glad I was at work and unable to properly get into things with these friends.
The most frustrating part of the advice is that it always seems to come from those who have ben married for years and have no concept of how horrid the dating world is these days. They have lived vicariously through their children's experiences in that regard and somehow think that it's the same thing. In most cases, their kids are a decade younger than I am and it's far from the truth.
So I've learned my lesson, again. Don't post anything about having a lonely heart on FB.
The most frustrating part of the advice is that it always seems to come from those who have ben married for years and have no concept of how horrid the dating world is these days. They have lived vicariously through their children's experiences in that regard and somehow think that it's the same thing. In most cases, their kids are a decade younger than I am and it's far from the truth.
So I've learned my lesson, again. Don't post anything about having a lonely heart on FB.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Or...not
After six months of texting with the Fireman, I wondered if he was ever going to ask me out on a date. I was starting to feel like I only bothered him when I texted him. And I realized that I always had to initiate the conversation. So, I decided to get to the heart of the issue.
I sent him a text. I asked him if I was bothering him and did he want me to leave him alone. I asked if he was still interested.
I got no reply. Nothing. That was two months ago.
So. That's how it goes.
I sent him a text. I asked him if I was bothering him and did he want me to leave him alone. I asked if he was still interested.
I got no reply. Nothing. That was two months ago.
So. That's how it goes.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Hot hot hot...
Things have progressed with the fireman in the last few months. He is flirty, both in person and in text. Oh, yes, that's right. I got his number. We text. And yes, I smile as I type that.
It all started with Star Trek. We had chatted about it a few times, and my Trekkie necklace caught his attention. Then one day, he asked if I ever dress up like Uhura. And he was so shy asking it. Adorable. So I grinned and replied, "Oh honey, no...I wear blue!" And proceeded to show him the photo of me in the Captain's chair.
I happened to be looking at his face when I showed it to him. His eye bugged out and he looked very interested. Suddenly, it went from a friendly chatting with a customer to a *ding* "oh, he's interested in me?" moment. We continued to flirt, but became even more obvious about it to each other.
Then one day, I was walking towards the bank for some change and he was heading to the store. He asked me about the Bachelorette party I'd mentioned once. It was going to be a group of ladies dressed up in Star Trek uniforms going to the Children's Museum for the day. He said he couldn't wait for those pictures. As I continued on my expedition, I had the thought that instead of just showing him pictures on my phone, I could send them to him...if I had his number.
I waited until it was closer to the week of the Bachelorette party, just in case he asked for my number or a date before then. Then he came in, with his buddy. Said buddy politely vanished as I walked up. I told him that I could send him photos of the day, if he wanted my number. He'd forgotten his phone. So I whipped mine out and got his. I then texted him the above picture so he had mine. And so it began...
He very much enjoyed the pictures from that day. And we continued to flirt. I once "complained" that the wrong fireman had been in my store. He showed up within fifteen minutes. I also told him that I had a severe lack of cute fireman in my store, so he came by to "remedy" it. He's a geek and he's very into Batman. He also once referenced a Sleestak and I swooned in geeky delight. LOL
This all began months and months ago. Everyone is getting impatient because there's been no date. I am...not exactly impatient...just eager and wanting to get on with things. As his coworker said the other day, "They've got the hots for each other, but nothing's getting done about it!" Well, I'm trying!! I've invited him to multiple things, and once we were going to get together, but he was very sick.
At this point, I have bluntly asked him to get together...today actually, because the same coworker told me he was not working. However, I sent two texts on Friday, then a photo of me lookin' hot last night for Punk Rock Prom...and never got a reply from any of them. I'm thinking that either he didn't want to say no and so said nothing...or his phone is acting up, or something along those lines. Hmm...
It all started with Star Trek. We had chatted about it a few times, and my Trekkie necklace caught his attention. Then one day, he asked if I ever dress up like Uhura. And he was so shy asking it. Adorable. So I grinned and replied, "Oh honey, no...I wear blue!" And proceeded to show him the photo of me in the Captain's chair.
I happened to be looking at his face when I showed it to him. His eye bugged out and he looked very interested. Suddenly, it went from a friendly chatting with a customer to a *ding* "oh, he's interested in me?" moment. We continued to flirt, but became even more obvious about it to each other.
Then one day, I was walking towards the bank for some change and he was heading to the store. He asked me about the Bachelorette party I'd mentioned once. It was going to be a group of ladies dressed up in Star Trek uniforms going to the Children's Museum for the day. He said he couldn't wait for those pictures. As I continued on my expedition, I had the thought that instead of just showing him pictures on my phone, I could send them to him...if I had his number.
I waited until it was closer to the week of the Bachelorette party, just in case he asked for my number or a date before then. Then he came in, with his buddy. Said buddy politely vanished as I walked up. I told him that I could send him photos of the day, if he wanted my number. He'd forgotten his phone. So I whipped mine out and got his. I then texted him the above picture so he had mine. And so it began...
He very much enjoyed the pictures from that day. And we continued to flirt. I once "complained" that the wrong fireman had been in my store. He showed up within fifteen minutes. I also told him that I had a severe lack of cute fireman in my store, so he came by to "remedy" it. He's a geek and he's very into Batman. He also once referenced a Sleestak and I swooned in geeky delight. LOL
This all began months and months ago. Everyone is getting impatient because there's been no date. I am...not exactly impatient...just eager and wanting to get on with things. As his coworker said the other day, "They've got the hots for each other, but nothing's getting done about it!" Well, I'm trying!! I've invited him to multiple things, and once we were going to get together, but he was very sick.
At this point, I have bluntly asked him to get together...today actually, because the same coworker told me he was not working. However, I sent two texts on Friday, then a photo of me lookin' hot last night for Punk Rock Prom...and never got a reply from any of them. I'm thinking that either he didn't want to say no and so said nothing...or his phone is acting up, or something along those lines. Hmm...
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Censorship
I haven't been posting here much in the last several months. I have my reasons, including fear of judgment or upsetting the few friends who read this. Well, I cannot censor myself anymore, because I frankly need a place to vent. I need my creative outlet.
Recently, I've been suffering from incredible insomnia. I got to the point where I had so much anxiety and paranoia and depression, I have no idea how I functioned at work. But I had one night where I ended up feeling slightly better in those regards, and it was because I did a sketch that was not easy for me. I turned some of the negativity into creativity and was the better for it. Now, I have no idea if the two are related (insomnia and censoring myself), but at this point, I am willing to try just about anything. So, here goes.
I have been a witness to several things in the last few months that have made me realize that I really don't know anything about dating. There are rules and guidelines I have never heard of, and behavior I was hoping would be a thing of the past, of stupid youth. I have seen Second Guy do the exact kind of things he accused me of doing. I have been privy to another hitting on a girl who is closer in age to his young daughter than she is to him (she was not interested, like a smart girl). I have been a witness to a friend finding that the man she once loved has a deep dark secret and that possibly, she never really knew him.
Frankly, it's been exhausting. And I've only been the counselor, the friend, the helper on the side. I haven't been directly involved. It's made me angry, sad, indignant and lost in the dating world. I tried something new at one point: I sent flirts to a handful of guys on Trekkie Dating. I had no idea that flirts counted as messages and you can only send a guy one. He may reply, but you cannot. I made one friend from that, despite it, because he sent me his FB information. But there is no attraction to him on my part, and there is something...off...about him that raises the hackles on another friend. I've also recently witnessed two friends decide they will date each other, essentially making me the third wheel. Again. I have been there many times, but it's usually been one established friend, one new. Not two established. I try to be happy for them and wish them well, but it's hard to see through all this jealousy and confusion sometimes.
For myself, the closest I've come to anything is that a local fireman who shops in my store seems sweet on me. That doesn't mean anything will happen from it. But he is single, 41, in good shape and a Trekkie. Oh, and he is attractive to me. But I'm not holding my breath.
I have pushed myself for over a year. I have tried things I would never have tried only a few years ago. I have gone out a lot more, I have a social life, and I meet new people. And nothing has really changed for the dating side of things. I am tired of people saying, "Oh you'll meet him when you're not looking." and "He's out there somewhere; you'll find him someday". Those kinds of empty platitudes do nothing but infuriate me. There is every possibility that I am meant to be alone, that I will never find "him" and that I will grow old with just cats. I am not an optimist; I cannot fake being one for this. I am a realist and I see what my experiences had taught me. They've taught me that getting my hopes up only gives them a higher point to be thrown from, to be dashed.
What it all boils down to is this. I'm done. I give up. I'm not trying anymore. I'm not saying I don't want to find my match. I'm saying that he's going to have be looking for me for a while. I feel like I'm the only one making any kind of effort and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm tired of trying to get into an exclusive club of dating. Spinning my wheels isn't for me. So I'm stopping and getting out of the car, and walking for a while.
So many people say it's awesome to be single and I have never once experienced that. I guess I should try.
Recently, I've been suffering from incredible insomnia. I got to the point where I had so much anxiety and paranoia and depression, I have no idea how I functioned at work. But I had one night where I ended up feeling slightly better in those regards, and it was because I did a sketch that was not easy for me. I turned some of the negativity into creativity and was the better for it. Now, I have no idea if the two are related (insomnia and censoring myself), but at this point, I am willing to try just about anything. So, here goes.
I have been a witness to several things in the last few months that have made me realize that I really don't know anything about dating. There are rules and guidelines I have never heard of, and behavior I was hoping would be a thing of the past, of stupid youth. I have seen Second Guy do the exact kind of things he accused me of doing. I have been privy to another hitting on a girl who is closer in age to his young daughter than she is to him (she was not interested, like a smart girl). I have been a witness to a friend finding that the man she once loved has a deep dark secret and that possibly, she never really knew him.
Frankly, it's been exhausting. And I've only been the counselor, the friend, the helper on the side. I haven't been directly involved. It's made me angry, sad, indignant and lost in the dating world. I tried something new at one point: I sent flirts to a handful of guys on Trekkie Dating. I had no idea that flirts counted as messages and you can only send a guy one. He may reply, but you cannot. I made one friend from that, despite it, because he sent me his FB information. But there is no attraction to him on my part, and there is something...off...about him that raises the hackles on another friend. I've also recently witnessed two friends decide they will date each other, essentially making me the third wheel. Again. I have been there many times, but it's usually been one established friend, one new. Not two established. I try to be happy for them and wish them well, but it's hard to see through all this jealousy and confusion sometimes.
For myself, the closest I've come to anything is that a local fireman who shops in my store seems sweet on me. That doesn't mean anything will happen from it. But he is single, 41, in good shape and a Trekkie. Oh, and he is attractive to me. But I'm not holding my breath.
I have pushed myself for over a year. I have tried things I would never have tried only a few years ago. I have gone out a lot more, I have a social life, and I meet new people. And nothing has really changed for the dating side of things. I am tired of people saying, "Oh you'll meet him when you're not looking." and "He's out there somewhere; you'll find him someday". Those kinds of empty platitudes do nothing but infuriate me. There is every possibility that I am meant to be alone, that I will never find "him" and that I will grow old with just cats. I am not an optimist; I cannot fake being one for this. I am a realist and I see what my experiences had taught me. They've taught me that getting my hopes up only gives them a higher point to be thrown from, to be dashed.
What it all boils down to is this. I'm done. I give up. I'm not trying anymore. I'm not saying I don't want to find my match. I'm saying that he's going to have be looking for me for a while. I feel like I'm the only one making any kind of effort and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm tired of trying to get into an exclusive club of dating. Spinning my wheels isn't for me. So I'm stopping and getting out of the car, and walking for a while.
So many people say it's awesome to be single and I have never once experienced that. I guess I should try.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Bad Week
I've had the worst self-esteem this week.
It doesn't help any that Second Guy broke up with that girl (shocked, I am, uh huh). He and I had a good chat about it and we were back to being friends and things were going nicely again. But then the other night, he mentioned a mutual friend in such a way...well, I teased him and said he was too old for her (I think there's a 15-ish year age gap?). It gave him the chance to say, "Ha ha, I didn't mean it like that", but instead, he said, "Haha you never know!"
Ugh. Here's the thing. Our mutual friend is gorgeous, tall, and thin and ten years younger than I am. Add to that, she's a huge geek. In fact, she and I are a lot alike--similar senses of humor, intelligence, etc. But, if you asked a geeky guy which one of us he'd rather talk about Star Trek with...well. I lose. No doubt. She thinks she's super awkward, but she doesn't come across that way at all to anyone else.
The worst of it is, I can't be mad at her about it. I adore her and she's my only single female friend. I don't have many female friends--I don't get along with them because so many are manipulative, game-playing and competitive. She's told me she's not looking to date any time soon, and I believe her. I shouldn't consider her competition, right? But then I had a dream where I was being ignored by a room full of men and she was getting hit on left and right. And then Second Guy made that comment...
All at once, I am ridiculously insecure and scared that I'm not the Invisible Girl. I'm actually the Undesirable Girl. And no matter what I do, or try to do...it won't matter or change anything.
I try to tell myself that it's not me, it's them (men). But that doesn't help when there's only a few guys I've actually been interested in, and they're not interested back. And I have no luck in meeting new guys. It was suggested to me that I go out to this new place that's all about books and beer (Yuk on the beer). And hey, take a single girl friend with you...Uuhhmmm...I joked about her being my Wing-girl, but I seriously fear that dream I had being so very true. She and I are going out next week on Valentine's, and it's at an event Second Guy told me about in the first place.
Men love confidence, huh? That explains it all...
It doesn't help any that Second Guy broke up with that girl (shocked, I am, uh huh). He and I had a good chat about it and we were back to being friends and things were going nicely again. But then the other night, he mentioned a mutual friend in such a way...well, I teased him and said he was too old for her (I think there's a 15-ish year age gap?). It gave him the chance to say, "Ha ha, I didn't mean it like that", but instead, he said, "Haha you never know!"
Ugh. Here's the thing. Our mutual friend is gorgeous, tall, and thin and ten years younger than I am. Add to that, she's a huge geek. In fact, she and I are a lot alike--similar senses of humor, intelligence, etc. But, if you asked a geeky guy which one of us he'd rather talk about Star Trek with...well. I lose. No doubt. She thinks she's super awkward, but she doesn't come across that way at all to anyone else.
The worst of it is, I can't be mad at her about it. I adore her and she's my only single female friend. I don't have many female friends--I don't get along with them because so many are manipulative, game-playing and competitive. She's told me she's not looking to date any time soon, and I believe her. I shouldn't consider her competition, right? But then I had a dream where I was being ignored by a room full of men and she was getting hit on left and right. And then Second Guy made that comment...
All at once, I am ridiculously insecure and scared that I'm not the Invisible Girl. I'm actually the Undesirable Girl. And no matter what I do, or try to do...it won't matter or change anything.
I try to tell myself that it's not me, it's them (men). But that doesn't help when there's only a few guys I've actually been interested in, and they're not interested back. And I have no luck in meeting new guys. It was suggested to me that I go out to this new place that's all about books and beer (Yuk on the beer). And hey, take a single girl friend with you...Uuhhmmm...I joked about her being my Wing-girl, but I seriously fear that dream I had being so very true. She and I are going out next week on Valentine's, and it's at an event Second Guy told me about in the first place.
Men love confidence, huh? That explains it all...
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Frustations
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing
Seriously, this hit so many things on the head, it's not even funny. I almost want to go through the list and reply to each item. Okay, I won't, because I'll sound extremely bitter and angry over everything and I'm actually only slightly bitter and angry over everything.
Part of my frustrations lately are because of Second Guy. He started dating in November, as everyone I'm sure recalls, and I guess that girl didn't work out because he mentioned her name to me once. Well, just last week, I felt like we needed to play some catch-up. He told me all about how he's still looking for a job, and he's broke, and oh, by the way, he's got a gal (not dating, this is an actual relationship now) and she was in a crappy situation and so, yeah, she's living with him.
Wait. Let's say he went on a few dates with that girl in November. By December, he's on the prowl again. By January (the middle thereof), he's got a full-blown girlfriend and she's moved in.
Crappy situation or not, holy snot. I wish them well, but all I can think is about when he said he didn't want to move too fast with me and needed time...yeah. I guess time is all wibbly-wobbly and all.
Seriously, this hit so many things on the head, it's not even funny. I almost want to go through the list and reply to each item. Okay, I won't, because I'll sound extremely bitter and angry over everything and I'm actually only slightly bitter and angry over everything.
Part of my frustrations lately are because of Second Guy. He started dating in November, as everyone I'm sure recalls, and I guess that girl didn't work out because he mentioned her name to me once. Well, just last week, I felt like we needed to play some catch-up. He told me all about how he's still looking for a job, and he's broke, and oh, by the way, he's got a gal (not dating, this is an actual relationship now) and she was in a crappy situation and so, yeah, she's living with him.
Wait. Let's say he went on a few dates with that girl in November. By December, he's on the prowl again. By January (the middle thereof), he's got a full-blown girlfriend and she's moved in.
Crappy situation or not, holy snot. I wish them well, but all I can think is about when he said he didn't want to move too fast with me and needed time...yeah. I guess time is all wibbly-wobbly and all.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Creeping me out, dude...
You know when you're attracted to someone, but then you realize there are things about them that would be deal breakers, so you try to not be attracted to them anymore and you're kinda creeped out by the whole thing? Yeah that.
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