Ups and Downs

The last month has been so great, and so...not. Dating Site Guy is still into me, somehow. We talk every day! Not a lot sometimes, but we do. He is amazing, and I admit, I am kinda smitten. I think it's mutual.

The not so great part is that while he was gone for Thanksgiving, they doubled his work load. It interfered with his visit with his son, and started stressing him out. It got worse and worse. He was so exhausted from it all, we never got to see each other when he got back. 

Finally, we made plans to have breakfast before he left again. I was going to cook for him, and I even bought bacon! Wouldn't you know it, his horrible time continued. He dropped his phone into the toilet, had to get a new one, and that meant going to the store on a  Sunday, which didn't open until after the time that he was supposed to be at my place. Sigh. 

Best Friend is still pretty wary about him. I don't blame her, but I am trusting him more and more every day. We just need more time together, in person. I can't wait. Three more weeks.

I believe in Second Chances

Dating Site Guy is back...But first, some back story. 

We spoke for nearly two months and it was great, and we were discussing meeting. But then he vanished. It hurt, but again, it was one of those situations where I'd been in that spot before, so that's what hurt. I wasn't angry at him, not for long anyway.

Back in September, when my BFF was here, we met up with one of her friends here. Something was odd about her, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But whatever, I only needed to put up with her for one evening. At dinner, we came to find out that she knew Dating Site Guy, and boy did she have some bombs to drop on that. She told me all kinds of things about him, things designed to scare me off and show me that I had really dodged a bullet. At the same time, she was telling me how amazing he is. It was odd, as I said.

 Fast forward to a few weeks ago. When he'd vanished, I'd tried a few last ditch things. I texted him a few times, and then I thought I'd found him on Facebook, so I sent him a message there. One night, out of nowhere, I got a message in reply. I ignored it and went to bed. In the morning, I decided to reply. I wasn't my usual jovial self; I was guarded and a little short with him. But we talked. All throughout the day, and then at the end, we said goodnight. I thought that was that.  And I was at peace.

Another week or so passed, and then he messaged me again. He said he wanted to talk to me, if that was okay. I agreed and we went from there. By the end of the conversation, he wanted to meet up in person, to apologize some more and grovel. I agreed, and we arranged to have dinner. The day of, I was out all afternoon, running errands. I hadn't heard from him. Suddenly, it's only a matter of a couple of hours until we're supposed to meet, but I hadn't heard still. I started arranging alternative plans in my head...and suddenly, he messaged. Work was crazy, he was going to have to delay dinner by an hour.

I walked into the restaurant and walked to the booth where he was. I had worn a dress, but only to be confident and comfortable, because this was certainly not supposed to be a date. We ended up talking for several hours and it certainly felt like a date. We had amazing chemistry and I was very attracted to him. There were several times I caught him staring at me. We didn't want the evening to end, so I told him he could come over, if he behaved. He agreed, and followed me home. Moonshine took an instant liking to him. I gave him a bit of a tour, but he wouldn't go further than the living room. He was behaving, and being a gentleman.

Once or twice during that week leading up to this, he'd joked about giving me a foot rub. Well, we sat on the couch for another few hours and he suddenly leaned down, grabbed my feet and removed my shoes. I tried to play it cool, but he was very charming. I was trying to maintain that not-date attitude, but the sparks were flying. We were doomed. At the end of the night, we hugged goodbye. For a split second, I wondered if he would kiss me, but nearly laughed at the thought. After all, this wasn't a date. Was it?

We were messaging all throughout our days by now. And he was definitely after me now. I guess meeting in person was what it took to get that attention from him! He declared that he couldn't wait until he was back in town (trip to see his son) to see me. We arranged for a late night dinner at my place for Friday. Then moved it to Thursday. A few hours before this, however, his father got hurt and he had to go spend the night with him. We were bummed, because that meant not seeing each other until he got back, which meant over 2 weeks. Suddenly, he suggested coming to my store on his way out of town. I didn't think he meant it, but I gave him the address. Before I knew it, he said he was 30 minutes away!

Sure enough, he showed up at my store. And, I was immediately struck at how attractive he was. I had known it before--trust me, I was eyeballing him a lot that first night--but knowing it was mutual had a profound effect on that. I took a break and we went to the backroom. I leaned on the break table and he stood nearby, half turned. He was looking around the backroom and I was staring at him. I suddenly found myself really wanting him to kiss me, wondering if he would, and would the red lipstick stop him? I decided to settle for a hug and I moved in. Within a minute, our lips were locked. It was everything you'd want in a first kiss. Tender, gentle, passionate, wanting, exploring, timid, bold and daring...

That night, we spoke on the phone for hours. We've been messaging so much ever since. These two weeks are going by quickly, and I hope they continue until SBI. He might be back in time to attend Sunday. And he said he wants to spoil me, and go shopping in the dealer room. I'm not used to that. 

I am, at once, exhilarated, and terrified. We're trying to keep things slow, but everything just clicks with us. We keep speaking in hypotheticals--what if we needed a new house (a 4 bedroom, it seems), what if he asked me to move to his town (an hour away), what if he sweeps me off my feet and takes me to Chicago for the day?

My heart is pounding. It often does lately.

Holy Ex, Batman!

I was out the other night with a New Friend and we were comparing notes on online dating, etc. I told her the entire story about my ex, all of it. Tonight, at work, "our song" started playing. I was humming along and suddenly, it hit me: I've mentioned him a lot lately, and then that whole conversation...why is he on my mind? Is it because of SBI coming up and that's where we met? No. 

This is my realization: One of things about my ex that drove me up the wall was how negative he was. He hated himself, he didn't know why anyone would want to be around him. He didn't know how to have any positive or happy thoughts, without a big sense of dread surrounding it.

Sounds familiar.

The reason he's been on my mind is because my subconscious was trying desperately to make me notice that I've been acting and feeling just like him. It drove me crazy when he did it; it drives me crazy when I'm doing it. And it needs to stop.

I know the source of my problems is my incredible self-doubt and insecurities. I'm going to try to focus on the things I kick-ass at. I'm going to finish this last commission (okay, I should probably start it). I'm going to focus on others and be more loving and accepting. I need to get myself right before I worry about anyone else. 

Why is this so hard?

I keep pushing Hate Cats away. And I know why. I just can't stop myself. It's because I'm trying to hurt him enough to make sure he never wants to be with me. To make him think I'm that insane, that unstable, that horrible, and then he won't want me. Then I can maybe not want him, too. It's so stupid, but I find myself being worse and worse to him. 

I've had a lot of negative thoughts lately. Mostly about myself. Sometimes, I hate myself so much, I can't understand why anyone would want to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me. What's worse is that it's a vicious cycle. I hate myself because of the negative thoughts, but they won't stop because I hate myself. Blah.

I want to change something, but not as drastically as Single Female Friend suggested. She said to change everything about me. I thought that was harsh. I meant something more like...a haircut. A new dress. Something tangible, I guess. Something shiny and new and pretty that makes me feel better about myself. I have to start somewhere.

And just because I'm jumping all over the place: I would love to know what men mean by "we want different things". What is it you think I want? Why do you think you know what I want better than I do?

No Good

I've come to realize something that I've hinted at before. My mind and heart have tried to tell me this many times, and I only half-listened. This time, I listened, accepted it, and realized a change needed to occur. 

There is nothing good about a dating site. It's full of lies: people lie about who they are, about what they want, and about who they choose. Every time I go on a dating site, I feel awful, truly awful. And when someone else has success where I have only failed, I feel worse, and my self-image becomes horribly distorted. Recently, this happened, and I actually had the following thought: You cannot find love because you do not deserve love. BULLSH*T. I will not accept that. I will not roll over and say that's fine, I don't need anyone.

My first inclination is to never go to a dating site again. To only go to the 3 I use (yes, I got a Tinder, what a waste of time), and delete my accounts. And never look back. What's the good of having failure and sadness shoved into my face constantly? There is nothing good about any of the dating sites. I've never gotten a date from one, not once. I've met a few nice people, but nothing ever comes of it. And I still refuse to pay. Not even a little. They suck any happiness and joy out of my life and give nothing in return.

What it boils down to is this: I give up. I know; I've said this before, but this time, I gave it all up. I gave up the effort, the pain, the trying and failing, everything. I just cannot keep wasting time and energy on the whole thing. The only success I've had was when I wasn't trying, and when I wasn't putting too much effort into it. Sure, he Friend Zoned me anyway, but it didn't hurt the same way. (It still hurt because this always happens to me, but it wasn't personal.)

Plus, that amazing guy from earlier in the year re-appeared. He sought me out to apologize. He wanted me to know he felt like a dick for ghosting me, and he apologized. There isn't a chance of us dating, but the fact that he actually felt guilty and reached out was a big turning point in my thought process the other night. Kudos to you, Dating Site Guy.

On a side note, Single Female Friend was absolutely hateful about Dating Site Guy. She refused to even talk to me about it; she was so furious. I don't know if she was mad that he vanished in the first place, that he reached out to me, that I spoke to him in return, or what. But she was livid, and when I pressed the matter and called her out on her ridiculous behavior, she said that he "wasn't worth us getting into it". Wow. I don't understand how someone who hates men, will not forgive them of any "crime", and bashes them constantly is in a 6+ month long relationship where they recently admitted the L-word to each other. She can't even SAY the word. I won't here, because their situation sickens me. 

At any rate, I am glad to have spoken to him. We chatted all day, off and on, and left the conversation with the well-wishes of "hey, if you ever need/want to talk, I'm around, but no pressure". And said goodbye. No feelings were hurt, no feelings were felt except relief and forgiveness. 

I've felt a lot better since that day. I'm not sure if I will be deleting my dating profiles, but I will point out that since then, I have been on one many times without the usual feelings of inadequacy and pain. So maybe no deleting just yet. 

It must be me

That date last month was my first on-purpose date in over a decade. One where it was clear, to both parties, that it was a date. We had a great time, great conversation, and fun. But that was it, the end, no more.

I used to think that I just needed someone to give me a chance. Well, I had one. And got the same results.

I used to think that I hadn't been on a date since I had changed so much, so it would be very different now. Well, it was. I wasn't too nervous, or shy, or whatever. But the end result was the same.

So the only common factor is me. Something about me is un-date-able. That's nice.

Sigh

Well, I asked him for another date. And today, I woke up to the following message: "I had a fun time on our dates but I don’t think we’re a good fit, romantically. Sorry."

So, yeah, I got Friend Zoned again. :(

I was so very hurt and upset. It wasn't about him. It was about this happening, yet again. It's so frustrating. 

Fellow Fan

Several weeks ago, there was another Five Year Mission show. I had a great time, as always. A few days later, I suddenly and randomly decided to ask one of my fellow fans out on a date. I'll call him Fellow Fan here. I wasn't nervous, much. He said yes!

So, I had a date on September 17th. He was nice, a gentleman, and funny. I think he's super cute and a huge geek. We had a great time, and we ended up closing the restaurant. I think he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't...yet. 

I've asked him for another date. We'll see what happens.

Dax

There's been some debate over Jadzia and Ezri again.

I'm a huge Jadzia fan. I cannot stand Ezri. Let me break it down a bit.

Jadzia is sexy, confident, smart, sassy, funny, and loved and respected. She's tall, beautiful, and amazing.She has no problem jumping in and doing what needs to be done.

Ezri is short, goofy, incompetent, half-assed trained in psychology, flighty bordering on ditzy, weak, and annoying. She runs and hides and hopes the world never notices her.

Jadzia is what everyone says men want. Ezri is what I am. 

Better

Well, I went down to his shop today. I spent 3 hours there, talking and laughing and singing and having a great time. It was just like before. I guess that's what we're doing. Acting like that one night didn't happen? I'm following his lead. It hurts a bit, I can admit that, but at the same time, I just couldn't give up this repartee we have. I couldn't even list everything that we talked about. But I do know that he did a lot more talking this time. And I made him laugh a lot, and he made me laugh a lot. And there were a few times, I was looking at my phone, smiling and I'd look up and he'd be staring at me, but HE would exclaim, "What?!" like I was the one staring at him. I keep thinking of things and smiling. 

I got him to hug me goodbye and give me one of those amazing patented hugs. There are levels to it. We went to level 2 today. Beyond the regular hug, into a much tighter squeeze. It didn't last as long as some, but it was nice. I was tempted to kiss him on the cheek. I think I'll save that for next week.

I guess what I have to do is just be patient and sit back and see what happens. 

What it all boils down to is on FB Messenger, he's a dick. But in person, there is so much chemistry and affection. I  have to remember that. 

PS-- About that cop that asked me for drinks? That's never going to happen. He's older than I thought (51), okay, fine...He was married at one point, has kids, okay then. He's got grandkids...uuhmmmm.........aaaaand he's all "Cops can do no wrong" and he's voting for Trump. Nope. I'm out. Sorry, bud. 

So close

I had to go see Hates Cats after work last month. I was picking up something for a friend back in Ohio, and was leaving town the next day. I told him I would need to get dinner. So I showed up at his shop around 10:30, and we went for food. 

After dinner, we were hanging out in his shop. Something was different. I was so comfortable, as always with him, but I felt an edge in the air. At one point, he moved so the counter wasn't between us. He was so close. He leaned back against the counter, with his feet between mine. So close. I grew nervous and excited and talked a million miles a minute, telling stories and acting things out and having a marvelous time. The whole time, I kept eyeing his collar and thinking about grabbing it, pulling him close, and kissing him.

A few hours had passed, and we had been talking in dimness. He went over and turned off a display light, then suddenly grabbed me into a hug. We had one of those amazing, long, luxurious hugs that he gives. But again, that edge; something different. His hands moved over my back, slowly and carefully. I let my own hands wander over his back, too. His head was on my right shoulder, as he usually does. I felt his hands go up and into my hair. He was moving now, his head was even with mine, pressed against mine. I had turned my face into his neck. He held me so tight, pressed against him. 

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, we moved, until finally, our lips were so close. He kissed me. No gentle pecks, no exploratory lips pressing. Sudden and unstoppable passion. Our lips and tongues met in the fury of repressed desire. His hands were in my hair again, this time tangling into them, but gently, caressing. We kissed for so long, parting sometimes, just enough to breathe and I would kiss gently at his jaw. He kissed my forehead and I leaned back and we kissed again. And every time, it was the same passion.

We moved back against the table behind me. He made a sound in his throat and I felt him against me. I wanted him; oh how I wanted him. The kissing was intense, and for a moment, I wanted so much more. 

Eventually, being the funny guy he is, Hates Cats quite suddenly took a huge step back, patted my shoulders and said, "Okay, goodnight!" We laughed and held hands while I stood in front of him, our fingers were laced. I kept saying something about having to go, but not wanting to. He slowly got me to the door. We did say goodbye and I made my way home. 

On Messenger, he said that he had a good time, but we shouldn't make a habit of it. Whatever that meant. I was so happy, so full of hope...for the first time in a very long time, I thought that maybe someone would give me a chance. Take the chance on me. 

Unfortunately, he hasn't been very nice towards me ever since. He acts as if nothing happened, and I think he wishes nothing had. I have tried my hardest to act just as I did before. But he doesn't seem to want me around; he doesn't seem to enjoy my company at all. I need to talk to him, face to face, to see what's going on in that head of his. Chat is no good; since he just won't reply to me. It hurts like hell. If he doesn't want me, I wish he'd just say so. Let me mourn, let me get over the pain, and we can be friends again. I'll still want him, still. But at least I'd know.

Since you been gone...

Well, he is gone. I never heard from him again.

Since then, Single Female Friend has become not single. She's been dating a guy that I still haven't met. I have had a lot of problems with this relationship, but most of them have stemmed from her withholding information, or flat out lying. So, even though I think this relationship is a mistake, she's not going to be convinced otherwise, especially by me. She swears she's "figuring herself out", but I think that's an excuse people use to do stupid things they regret later. We'll see. 

I went through Hell for a while. I was in a depression for a few months. And it doesn't help that it coincided with Single Female Friend going from dating to a real relationship. Most of my dark spasms were aimed at her, and not rightfully so. I was freaking out about  my own situation and using hers as as excuse to say really awful and hurtful things. I need to tell her how sorry I am, but I haven't had the chance to yet. I might just copy and paste this paragraph.

Also, during this time, Hates Cats and I have had some great times. Lots of fun and jokes. I took him out for his birthday (Dairy Queen, FTW). He got me to play a board game (Risk), too. If that evening had been a date, or if any date I'd ever had had been like that evening, I wouldn't be so sad and bitter about the dating world. And, he almost called me beautiful. He thinks he's got the super power of "whatever the opposite of attracting girls is". I know all of his faults--and some of them are doozies--but I would still date him. 

I officially gave up trying to be in the dating world. Yes, again. And the very next day, I got asked out for drinks by a cop. I will probably do that sometime, though I don't know if it would go anywhere. He's nice and flirty, and he thought I was married all this time. I dunno. I don't really have any hopes about it, but it would be nice to have some conversation and drinks.

Vanishing Acts

I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying to remain calm, and cool and easy-going. But I haven't heard from him in over a week, and I sent him a concerned message, just asking if he was okay...and no reply. I'm going to keep waiting and send him another message next week. 

I think I'd be okay if I hadn't had so much experience with men vanishing on me. My first boyfriend did that to me. he vanished for nearly an entire year, then reappeared and broke my heart within a few months. Even the fireman last year basically vanished on me. 

Everything was going so very well. The only problem was schedules and when we were going to get to meet. And his health scare, though since I don't know what it was, I don't know how much that might be affecting things. I did nothing wrong, and neither did he...so there has to be some other explanation. 

I'm going to blame hormones for my reactions, but at the same time, I make no excuses for them. Experiences speak loudest here.

Sigh

Dating Site Guy is MIA. Ever since his health scare, it's been harder and harder to have conversations. I know he is very busy at work still, and it's something we talked about. But I think he's suddenly facing the dilemma of having started something he can't focus on right now. I think he's rushing and pushing himself to get things done before the summer, when his son is supposed to be up here. 

I last heard from him last Wednesday (this is Monday). I sent him another text on Thursday...and another Saturday. I specifically asked what the health concern had turned out to be. Nothing. I think I need to just sit back a while and let him come to me...

Hopefully, this one won't forget me. Sigh.

Leonard Nimoy

They say he died at 8:40 am. That would be 11:40 am here. I found out around noon. That's today's technology.

I was a wreck that day. I had to work. I had to put on a work face and smile and reply to "how are you?" with things like "Okay" and "alright". It was a lie. Every time I carded someone and they had his birthday...every break when I got on FB...the ache in my chest began again, and the tears would well up.

Leonard Nimoy was a grandfather to the world. Everyone in the geek community knew him and loved him, whether they'd met him or not. I was lucky enough to meet him more than once. I grieved as best as I could and began mourning. I re-read old con reports and looked at photos I'd forgotten. And I came across something startling. In April 2004, the following took place during Leonard's talk.

As hard as it is to lose Leonard, it is worth noting that we can never lose Spock. As a fictional character, he will live on, forever. I take a huge amount of comfort in that.

So far, so Good

Well, this is interesting... met a guy on gk2gk who is rather amazing so far. We've been talking for over a month. We emailed a lot for a week and then he suggested texting would be easier. It really would! Signing back into the site repeatedly to reply was rather annoying. I'm pretty picky about giving my number out, but we switched to texting.

It's been slow-going because only days after we met, he started a new job and he's been traveling a lot. But that's okay! I didn't feel like there was any pressure. I didn't want him to forget me, or lose interest, so I was careful to send him a message every other day or so. Except at least once, where I went nearly a week. But still, slow and no pressure...

The last few days, actually this entire week, has taken off. We have a lot in common, we're learning about each other, and we're enjoying each others' company. More and more important stuff is being discussed, too, and not just being silly. Though there is plenty of silly and fun involved too. 

This is great. Fun, and at the same time...scary.