No Good

I've come to realize something that I've hinted at before. My mind and heart have tried to tell me this many times, and I only half-listened. This time, I listened, accepted it, and realized a change needed to occur. 

There is nothing good about a dating site. It's full of lies: people lie about who they are, about what they want, and about who they choose. Every time I go on a dating site, I feel awful, truly awful. And when someone else has success where I have only failed, I feel worse, and my self-image becomes horribly distorted. Recently, this happened, and I actually had the following thought: You cannot find love because you do not deserve love. BULLSH*T. I will not accept that. I will not roll over and say that's fine, I don't need anyone.

My first inclination is to never go to a dating site again. To only go to the 3 I use (yes, I got a Tinder, what a waste of time), and delete my accounts. And never look back. What's the good of having failure and sadness shoved into my face constantly? There is nothing good about any of the dating sites. I've never gotten a date from one, not once. I've met a few nice people, but nothing ever comes of it. And I still refuse to pay. Not even a little. They suck any happiness and joy out of my life and give nothing in return.

What it boils down to is this: I give up. I know; I've said this before, but this time, I gave it all up. I gave up the effort, the pain, the trying and failing, everything. I just cannot keep wasting time and energy on the whole thing. The only success I've had was when I wasn't trying, and when I wasn't putting too much effort into it. Sure, he Friend Zoned me anyway, but it didn't hurt the same way. (It still hurt because this always happens to me, but it wasn't personal.)

Plus, that amazing guy from earlier in the year re-appeared. He sought me out to apologize. He wanted me to know he felt like a dick for ghosting me, and he apologized. There isn't a chance of us dating, but the fact that he actually felt guilty and reached out was a big turning point in my thought process the other night. Kudos to you, Dating Site Guy.

On a side note, Single Female Friend was absolutely hateful about Dating Site Guy. She refused to even talk to me about it; she was so furious. I don't know if she was mad that he vanished in the first place, that he reached out to me, that I spoke to him in return, or what. But she was livid, and when I pressed the matter and called her out on her ridiculous behavior, she said that he "wasn't worth us getting into it". Wow. I don't understand how someone who hates men, will not forgive them of any "crime", and bashes them constantly is in a 6+ month long relationship where they recently admitted the L-word to each other. She can't even SAY the word. I won't here, because their situation sickens me. 

At any rate, I am glad to have spoken to him. We chatted all day, off and on, and left the conversation with the well-wishes of "hey, if you ever need/want to talk, I'm around, but no pressure". And said goodbye. No feelings were hurt, no feelings were felt except relief and forgiveness. 

I've felt a lot better since that day. I'm not sure if I will be deleting my dating profiles, but I will point out that since then, I have been on one many times without the usual feelings of inadequacy and pain. So maybe no deleting just yet. 

It must be me

That date last month was my first on-purpose date in over a decade. One where it was clear, to both parties, that it was a date. We had a great time, great conversation, and fun. But that was it, the end, no more.

I used to think that I just needed someone to give me a chance. Well, I had one. And got the same results.

I used to think that I hadn't been on a date since I had changed so much, so it would be very different now. Well, it was. I wasn't too nervous, or shy, or whatever. But the end result was the same.

So the only common factor is me. Something about me is un-date-able. That's nice.

Sigh

Well, I asked him for another date. And today, I woke up to the following message: "I had a fun time on our dates but I don’t think we’re a good fit, romantically. Sorry."

So, yeah, I got Friend Zoned again. :(

I was so very hurt and upset. It wasn't about him. It was about this happening, yet again. It's so frustrating. 

Fellow Fan

Several weeks ago, there was another Five Year Mission show. I had a great time, as always. A few days later, I suddenly and randomly decided to ask one of my fellow fans out on a date. I'll call him Fellow Fan here. I wasn't nervous, much. He said yes!

So, I had a date on September 17th. He was nice, a gentleman, and funny. I think he's super cute and a huge geek. We had a great time, and we ended up closing the restaurant. I think he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't...yet. 

I've asked him for another date. We'll see what happens.