So close

I had to go see Hates Cats after work last month. I was picking up something for a friend back in Ohio, and was leaving town the next day. I told him I would need to get dinner. So I showed up at his shop around 10:30, and we went for food. 

After dinner, we were hanging out in his shop. Something was different. I was so comfortable, as always with him, but I felt an edge in the air. At one point, he moved so the counter wasn't between us. He was so close. He leaned back against the counter, with his feet between mine. So close. I grew nervous and excited and talked a million miles a minute, telling stories and acting things out and having a marvelous time. The whole time, I kept eyeing his collar and thinking about grabbing it, pulling him close, and kissing him.

A few hours had passed, and we had been talking in dimness. He went over and turned off a display light, then suddenly grabbed me into a hug. We had one of those amazing, long, luxurious hugs that he gives. But again, that edge; something different. His hands moved over my back, slowly and carefully. I let my own hands wander over his back, too. His head was on my right shoulder, as he usually does. I felt his hands go up and into my hair. He was moving now, his head was even with mine, pressed against mine. I had turned my face into his neck. He held me so tight, pressed against him. 

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, we moved, until finally, our lips were so close. He kissed me. No gentle pecks, no exploratory lips pressing. Sudden and unstoppable passion. Our lips and tongues met in the fury of repressed desire. His hands were in my hair again, this time tangling into them, but gently, caressing. We kissed for so long, parting sometimes, just enough to breathe and I would kiss gently at his jaw. He kissed my forehead and I leaned back and we kissed again. And every time, it was the same passion.

We moved back against the table behind me. He made a sound in his throat and I felt him against me. I wanted him; oh how I wanted him. The kissing was intense, and for a moment, I wanted so much more. 

Eventually, being the funny guy he is, Hates Cats quite suddenly took a huge step back, patted my shoulders and said, "Okay, goodnight!" We laughed and held hands while I stood in front of him, our fingers were laced. I kept saying something about having to go, but not wanting to. He slowly got me to the door. We did say goodbye and I made my way home. 

On Messenger, he said that he had a good time, but we shouldn't make a habit of it. Whatever that meant. I was so happy, so full of hope...for the first time in a very long time, I thought that maybe someone would give me a chance. Take the chance on me. 

Unfortunately, he hasn't been very nice towards me ever since. He acts as if nothing happened, and I think he wishes nothing had. I have tried my hardest to act just as I did before. But he doesn't seem to want me around; he doesn't seem to enjoy my company at all. I need to talk to him, face to face, to see what's going on in that head of his. Chat is no good; since he just won't reply to me. It hurts like hell. If he doesn't want me, I wish he'd just say so. Let me mourn, let me get over the pain, and we can be friends again. I'll still want him, still. But at least I'd know.