Why is this so hard?

I keep pushing Hate Cats away. And I know why. I just can't stop myself. It's because I'm trying to hurt him enough to make sure he never wants to be with me. To make him think I'm that insane, that unstable, that horrible, and then he won't want me. Then I can maybe not want him, too. It's so stupid, but I find myself being worse and worse to him. 

I've had a lot of negative thoughts lately. Mostly about myself. Sometimes, I hate myself so much, I can't understand why anyone would want to be around me. I wouldn't want to be around me. What's worse is that it's a vicious cycle. I hate myself because of the negative thoughts, but they won't stop because I hate myself. Blah.

I want to change something, but not as drastically as Single Female Friend suggested. She said to change everything about me. I thought that was harsh. I meant something more like...a haircut. A new dress. Something tangible, I guess. Something shiny and new and pretty that makes me feel better about myself. I have to start somewhere.

And just because I'm jumping all over the place: I would love to know what men mean by "we want different things". What is it you think I want? Why do you think you know what I want better than I do?