Today, I mentioned that I could be interested in belly-dancing. I think it would be good exercise, and fun, and maybe help tone me up a bit. The problem is that I wouldn't want my tummy exposed (easy enough with many outfit choices), and I wouldn't want to be seen learning. The obvious answer is to learn by videos. But then there's the problem of not knowing if I'm doing it correctly, or just think I am.
What does this have to do with dating? Well, I think bettering myself through diet and exercise might help me gain some of the confidence and self-esteem I lack. And supposedly, having those things can help when attracting men. Because a super awesome and fun personality just doesn't cut it, I'm afraid.
Even now, just typing this, I am fighting the urge to go on a rant about hating my body and how unfair that is, with all the work I've put into losing weight...to ramble about how men shouldn't judge me for my body...to hesitate and realize I'm far harder on myself than most of them would be...Uh...what was I saying?
But I know myself and I know that if I was in a class, or with a any other women, I wouldn't be able to learn the dances. I would be nervous and lose all concentration and rhythm. It happens whenever I think someone is looking at me when I'm dancing. Isn't that stupid? The only time I don't always feel that way is at Five Year Mission shows. I think because I'm usually surrounded by my people, my fellow nerds/geeks. It still happens sometimes, but not as much. I was reminded of that this past weekend when I was dancing at the Celtic Festival. When that kid was watching me, I found myself barely able to clap along to the correct beat. Ugh. But at all the 5YM shows I've been to in the last year, I have done some serious dancing and never really thought much of it...
Anyway, exercise and stuff. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to feel like my body fits ME better. I want to feel like the outside better matches the inside. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that I'm rather stupidly open and honest almost all of the time and what you see is what you get. I don't manipulate. I don't play games. I'm just not that kind of girl...
I feel you on the body matching. When I look in the mirror it just doesn't match how I feel. Belly dancing would be fun! Get some videos and try it out :)
ReplyDeleteI do worry about my hernia. That area doesn't stretch all that much because of scar tissue. Sometimes just a regular work day makes it ache. So the dancing could either help stretch it....or ouch.
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