It sucks

No matter what they try to tell you on television and in the movies...being single sucks. They try to play it up and make it sound exciting. Dating! Romance! Fun! Fun! Fun! But they leave out the amount of heartache and loneliness that makes up most days and nights. And, honestly, there isn't much dating, and no romance. Which is no fun.

I am a complete nerd. A die-hard Trekkie, a new Whovian, I enjoy Buffy and Angel, Firefly, and most superhero movies. I would be into more comics if they were free--instead I love a plethora of webcomics. I go to conventions and get my nerd on, several times a year. I don't cosplay, but I admire those who have the talent and finances that allow them to do so. I have met tons of geeky and wonderful people who have made my life so rich and full. I have a vast collection of items to back up my Nerd-Cred.

As if all of that wasn't enough to draw in the men, I am also fun, smart, clever and hilarious. Oh, and humble, of course. On top of all of THAT, I am cute. Sometimes even pretty. I like to have fun and be silly, but at the same time I know how to behave. I don't like to go out and spend a lot of money, and can be a bit of a homebody, but at the same time, I like to get dressed up, dolled up, and go OUT.

In other words, if you were to ask your standard geeky guy what he was looking for...I would match up pretty well. And yet, that isn't my experience. Instead, I have the luck of being friend-zoned time and again. Sometimes it's a choice (no chemistry), or out of necessity (married! ugh). But every so often, there's that one guy that catches my eye...and I seem to catch his. Flirting takes over, and there's a lot of humor and things in common and maybe even blatant talk of dating in the future...I'm scared and thrilled and fighting the urge to hope, because that's the end of things, surely. Oh...but it's too late. He's withdrawing...and I know what's happened: he's changed his mind. "I think we're better as friends." Ouch. "I think you're super awesome and amazing, but I can't see us dating." Oh.

This has happened more than once. In fact, more than once in the last three months. It has happened, by my count, around nine times in my life. But those previous seven shouldn't count. I wasn't the person I am today--I wasn't full blown Nerd Girl and Proud of it. I wasn't really and truly ME yet. I wasn't finally happy and strong and ready for Love.

So...here I am. At a complete loss as to why this has happened, and continues to happen. Eventually, the pattern indicates there must be something wrong with me. Though everyone continues to deny this. "It's his loss". Well, yes, but it's also mine. Every shot destroys the little vestiges of confidence I've slowly built up.

It's hard to have hope in situations such as mine. Not having a date in over a decade can make a girl pretty insecure. Not having any prospects and realizing everyone is married, having kids, and living out their dreams in one way or another...it makes me look at my life and wonder what else I can DO. Maybe nothing. It could very well be that I am doing nothing wrong and all I need is patience. Or, it could be that I met the Right Kind of Guy...and he didn't see me as the Right Kind of Girl.

I think it's time to turn the energy back to myself and The Diet. Time to concentrate on losing more weight and toning up...and maybe I'll gain some confidence in the process and catch the Right Guy's eye.