My own History

I just sat and read all of my entries. From 2013, until the beginning of 2015. I had to stop there. I couldn't bear to read about the first time I met Dating Site Guy. I couldn't bear the next one, which was about Leonard Nimoy's death. I closed the tab.

I've changed a lot over the last few years. I've been in and out of the dating world in different ways. I've lost a significant friendship (Single Female Friend) and realized that she'd lied so much to me, and to others, that she nearly ended my friendship with Second Guy. Mostly, I cried and felt sorry for myself, because I knew that I was trying so hard, and failing so miserably. 

I talk to Dating Site Guy all the time. In my head, I mean. I fantasize about telling him off, about giving him my history, about trying to make him understand why it is so hard for me to let go. I realized about a month ago just why that is. Reading these entries confirmed it, in the most painful of ways. You see, Dating Site Guy was literally the man of my dreams. As if someone, somehow, had taken everything I'd ever said I wanted, or needed, and there he was. Finally. And then, I was rejected. Again. Even the man of my dreams doesn't want me.

 Lately, I have felt so content in my life. Except my heart is still so empty, so lonely. I feel so sorry for myself. And then angry. And bitter. I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to stop feeling it, either.