Is it time?

After the last "encounter" with Dating Site Guy, and spending a few weeks reeling, I think it might be time to say goodbye. I don't mean that I'll never see him again, or talk to him again. I mean that if/when those things happen, I can't go spiraling into the what-if scenarios again.

That being said, when I give something, or someone, up like this, I tend to vent some of the things I never got to say, or tell them. So here we go. 

Dear Dating Site Guy,

There are so many things we never got to say, or do, or learn about each other. I hardly know where to begin. When I think of you now, I feel sad, very sad. And I still miss you. I miss the way you spoke to me, and how we just seemed to get each other right away. The other night, I was listing things in my mind that I would want in/from a man. And it was killing me to see that every single one of them was fulfilled by you. I even blurted out to someone that I had once had the man of my dreams, but that he had rejected me, too.

Yes, you were the man of my dreams. Everything seemed to fall into place with you. The past,the present, the future, it all made sense in a way I hadn't expected.

I wasn't in the best state of mind at the time, though. For a year, maybe 2, leading up to us finally being together, I had been on a downward spiral. And then I lost Single Female Friend, and then I lost you. And as I withdrew, I lost others (albeit those were more temporary). Some couldn't handle the Depression as I fell. Some said things that only aided that monster as it ate at me, and I had to abandon them. It was quicksand. I fought and struggled, only to be pulled deeper with every effort. And before I knew it, I was having panic attacks, anxiety issues, insomnia, Depression, and suicidal thoughts. I had well and truly hit rock bottom.

I needed something to focus on, something to keep me trying. Moonshine was one, but I feared her mortality put a limit on my own future. If I lost her sooner than expected, I was doomed to follow. That was when I started looking into getting a house. At first, I was met with things that should have kept me away, kept me from trying, but then someone at INHP  reached out to me and encouraged me to try again. I went into that meeting with hostility and self-assured anger at the world and my situation. But I walked out with the thought that this could actually happen.

As time passed, and some things were getting better, or easier, and I started to feel support instead of constant abandonment, I felt stronger. And then I had a house. And now, I still use the house as something to focus on. I'm not able to focus on my art like I used to, or my writing as I did in the past. But I can do things like replace part of the subfloor in my bathroom. I can replace the sink, and the fan. I can draw up plans for a wall with a trapdoor so that my water main is accessible, but not visible. I can mow the lawn. I can get rid of a bush. I can plant flowers. I can talk to neighbors, and install a security system. I can sit outside and have a fire and roast some marsh-melons. But the moment I sit still, like when I'm driving to and from work, I remember.

Every day, that sadness is still there. The intense, soul-crushing loneliness that makes me think I will be alone forever. The thoughts that lead me back to you once again. The fears, the insecurities, and the intense desire to have you again. The questions about what drove you away, what took you from me.

God help me, if you wanted to give us a try again, and you were sincerely serious, and in a better state of mind...I would be throwing myself at you. But I think you are in denial about what help you might need. Or maybe, you decided that a relationship was the trigger that sent you down the wrong road. After all, you told me that relationships are just headaches. That hurt so much more than you realize. A headache. I was a burden to you. Not a joy. Not a happy time you could look back on with fondness. I think that was the moment I realized you didn't want me, and probably never would want me, again. Oh, I don't mean physically--I'm sure you still do. But you won't want that house, that cosplay, that trip, that...future...that we had talked about.

Some might tell me to just get over you already, because we were only dating a few months. But our history was stretched out nearly a year. Two, now. And, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, you were it to me. You were the living embodiment of everything I wanted, and still want.

I just wish you were on the same page. I wish that when you asked if I was seeing someone, it was because you were hoping the answer was no, and that you might still have a chance. I wish that we'd had more time together. I wish I could feel your arms around me again. I wish that the last sentence hadn't brought me to tears.

I also wish you well. I wish you happiness and joy. I wish you find a balance to the inner turmoils you suffer, and the amazing outgoing and generous man you are. I wish, that if you find yourself well, and truly, ready for love, you will come and find me. And I wish, most of all, that we both move onto bigger and better things instead of dwelling on the past.

And goodbye.