Recently, I've been suffering from incredible insomnia. I got to the point where I had so much anxiety and paranoia and depression, I have no idea how I functioned at work. But I had one night where I ended up feeling slightly better in those regards, and it was because I did a sketch that was not easy for me. I turned some of the negativity into creativity and was the better for it. Now, I have no idea if the two are related (insomnia and censoring myself), but at this point, I am willing to try just about anything. So, here goes.
I have been a witness to several things in the last few months that have made me realize that I really don't know anything about dating. There are rules and guidelines I have never heard of, and behavior I was hoping would be a thing of the past, of stupid youth. I have seen Second Guy do the exact kind of things he accused me of doing. I have been privy to another hitting on a girl who is closer in age to his young daughter than she is to him (she was not interested, like a smart girl). I have been a witness to a friend finding that the man she once loved has a deep dark secret and that possibly, she never really knew him.
Frankly, it's been exhausting. And I've only been the counselor, the friend, the helper on the side. I haven't been directly involved. It's made me angry, sad, indignant and lost in the dating world. I tried something new at one point: I sent flirts to a handful of guys on Trekkie Dating. I had no idea that flirts counted as messages and you can only send a guy one. He may reply, but you cannot. I made one friend from that, despite it, because he sent me his FB information. But there is no attraction to him on my part, and there is something...off...about him that raises the hackles on another friend. I've also recently witnessed two friends decide they will date each other, essentially making me the third wheel. Again. I have been there many times, but it's usually been one established friend, one new. Not two established. I try to be happy for them and wish them well, but it's hard to see through all this jealousy and confusion sometimes.
For myself, the closest I've come to anything is that a local fireman who shops in my store seems sweet on me. That doesn't mean anything will happen from it. But he is single, 41, in good shape and a Trekkie. Oh, and he is attractive to me. But I'm not holding my breath.
I have pushed myself for over a year. I have tried things I would never have tried only a few years ago. I have gone out a lot more, I have a social life, and I meet new people. And nothing has really changed for the dating side of things. I am tired of people saying, "Oh you'll meet him when you're not looking." and "He's out there somewhere; you'll find him someday". Those kinds of empty platitudes do nothing but infuriate me. There is every possibility that I am meant to be alone, that I will never find "him" and that I will grow old with just cats. I am not an optimist; I cannot fake being one for this. I am a realist and I see what my experiences had taught me. They've taught me that getting my hopes up only gives them a higher point to be thrown from, to be dashed.
What it all boils down to is this. I'm done. I give up. I'm not trying anymore. I'm not saying I don't want to find my match. I'm saying that he's going to have be looking for me for a while. I feel like I'm the only one making any kind of effort and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm tired of trying to get into an exclusive club of dating. Spinning my wheels isn't for me. So I'm stopping and getting out of the car, and walking for a while.
So many people say it's awesome to be single and I have never once experienced that. I guess I should try.
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