Bad Week

I've had the worst self-esteem this week.

It doesn't help any that Second Guy broke up with that girl (shocked, I am, uh huh). He and I had a good chat about it and we were back to being friends and things were going nicely again. But then the other night, he mentioned a mutual friend in such a way...well, I teased him and said he was too old for her (I think there's a 15-ish year age gap?). It gave him the chance to say, "Ha ha, I didn't mean it like that", but instead, he said, "Haha you never know!"

Ugh. Here's the thing. Our mutual friend is gorgeous, tall, and thin and ten years younger than I am. Add to that, she's a huge geek. In fact, she and I are a lot alike--similar senses of humor, intelligence, etc. But, if you asked a geeky guy which one of us he'd rather talk about Star Trek with...well. I lose. No doubt. She thinks she's super awkward, but she doesn't come across that way at all to anyone else.

The worst of it is, I can't be mad at her about it. I adore her and she's my only single female friend. I don't have many female friends--I don't get along with them because so many are manipulative, game-playing and competitive. She's told me she's not looking to date any time soon, and I believe her. I shouldn't consider her competition, right? But then I had a dream where I was being ignored by a room full of men and she was getting hit on left and right. And then Second Guy made that comment...

All at once, I am ridiculously insecure and scared that I'm not the Invisible Girl. I'm actually the Undesirable Girl. And no matter what I do, or try to do...it won't matter or change anything.

I try to tell myself that it's not me, it's them (men). But that doesn't help when there's only a few guys I've actually been interested in, and they're not interested back. And I have no luck in meeting new guys. It was suggested to me that I go out to this new place that's all about books and beer (Yuk on the beer). And hey, take a single girl friend with you...Uuhhmmm...I joked about her being my Wing-girl, but I seriously fear that dream I had being so very true. She and I are going out next week on Valentine's, and it's at an event Second Guy told me about in the first place.

Men love confidence, huh? That explains it all...