These two...

Second Guy has really blown it. Big time. There's been a strange phenomena with him on FB anyway. It seems that in person with me, he's charming, witty and friendly and kind. But on FB, I'm one of the dudes. He treats Single Female Friend as if she's a dainty and delicate flower.

For example, a little over a month ago, she and I had car problems on the same road. Mine was the loss of a hub cap, hers was a flat tire. Now yes, hers was more serious. However, on my status about mine, I got sarcasm and harassment (fine in theory), but the very next day, on her status about her flat, he was kind and offered help and basically wanted to rescue her. Okay, so I don't exactly want him anymore, but still. I'm a girl too. Why don't I ever get the encouraging things? If I post something about being down or angry about something, I get: "Oh, don't be angry.". If she posts something, he says, "You're such a wonderful person and so strong and things will get better soon and you'll bounce back and have some glitter and rainbows!!" I think, in my professional opinion, he still hopes she'll change her mind and want him, and he's doing his best to keep me at a "safe" distance.

I wanted to talk to him about all this. We made dinner plans last Friday to exchange convention stories, and for me to give him his autographs we'd arranged for me to procure. I went a bit early to hang out with Hates Cats, since it's nearby. We were having a great time, chatting, being silly, as we do. He was trying to convince me that this was an actual date with Second Guy and I was trying to explain that it really, really wasn't. And how. I suddenly realized that it was 6:20 and I hadn't heard from SG. I panicked, thinking I'd screwed up and that we weren't meeting at the shop first. Oh no, it seems he'd lost track of time. A bit later, I went to the restaurant to meet him, since he said he was on his way. Another fifteen minutes later, he shows up. This was 6:45, and we were supposed to meet at 6. He lives within walking distance of the restaurant, so I was curious as to what exactly made him so late.

When he showed up, I knew he'd been smoking. Not cigarettes. We ordered and he suddenly declared that he was paying for dinner. I knew he was sucking up. I didn't change what I was going to order, though. I won't take advantage of a friend, especially one in an altered state. Twenty minutes into dinner, he admits that he was late because he smoked a bowl and it made him lose track of time. I was pretty mad on the inside. I tried to remain calm and civil, but GAWD, what a stupid reason to be so late. He was home around 4, had time to shower and change and smoke (if he HAD to, which is BS) and still be on time. Instead, he made me feel like I didn't matter one bit to him. He had two beers at dinner.

Still sucking up, he took me to see some art. Which he even said, "it's not my bag and I don't really get it, it's not fun, but we can go." Gee, thanks. But I was trying to chill out and enjoy his company, despite him. He had a little wine while we were walking around a gallery. Then he suggested going to a place that serves special meads. I had a glass (he bought), and he had two. Then he ran into some friends. Which happened a lot and he was sure to introduce me. Some might say he was trying to show me off, but I know he was still sucking up because of being so late.

Finally, we made it over to the comic shop and hung out with Hates Cats and another friend. Hates Cats had been amazing all evening. We messaged back and forth a bit and I had told him why Second Guy was late. He was supportive and said that we could talk more about things if I wanted to later. Seeing him again was like a breath of fresh air, after holding in the bad air and anger all night. I was nearly emotionally exhausted by that point and was saying I wanted to head home. Second Guy seemed eager for me to go. Hates Cats looked me in the eye and asked me to go with them to see some band. The other friend said he'd go if I did. So I decided to go ahead, since it was still early (10 pm).

The first band was very good and I started to relax. Other Friend bought Hates Cats and I drinks. Second Guy had another 2 or 3 beers. Basically, I was able to ignore Second Guy, and he ignored me. But Hates Cats and I were messaging, though we sat beside each other. We'd also speak at times, but you know how it is in musical venues. We were flirting and being silly, and I was having a great time. The second band was okay, but their songs sounded all the same. Hates Cats asked me if I wanted to split. I said yes and asked if he'd also walk me to my car. He agreed.

We went to his store and for a moment, my heart was pounding. We were alone, the blinds were drawn and the lights were dim and I suddenly found it hard to ignore the crush I have on him. I try to keep it at a certain level of playfulness, but right then, I wanted to push the lines. We went to my car, and despite the cold and rain, and he wasn't wearing a hat, we stood there and talked another ten minutes. Then we hugged (he gives the best hugs, no doubt), and I headed home.

We ended up chatting on FB after that, too. Very flirty, very silly. I really think we could be amazing together. But the next morning, we had a heart to heart. We basically admitted that it's mutual, this desire...but that he's still very messed up from his marriage splitting up. He's so hurt and his ego is so bruised, he's still in that "I'll never be able to love again" phase. And I've been there. I know that feeling. I was able to get over it, eventually, and work through things. I still find myself utterly terrified at the prospect of falling in love, but I'm willing to try. He's not. He's afraid it would hurt our friendship, ruin everything...because he's convinced he'll screw things up. Mostly because he won't be "in it".

Some day, I will have a conversation with a guy that isn't all about why we can't be together. Today is not that day. But I understand where he is right now, and I can only hope that he works things out like I did. I can push things back to that certain level again, and I can crush that hope that he'll want me when he's ready. But I can't hold my breath. And I'm not limiting myself. And there's no way in hell Second Guy is in my sights. Not now, not ever again maybe. I don't hold grudges, but he's gotta do more than buy me dinner to recover. He needs to understand that I'm a human, and a girl, and I deserve better than I get from him.