Relaxing and Changing

I don't like being bullied, no matter how good they think their intentions are. Harassed, hounded, pursued. It's not pleasant; it's not nice; it's not fun. I was bullied growing up and I covered that some in another post, so I won't reiterate. Instead, I'll talk about what prompted this today.

My former Pastor, whom I adore, was just messaging me on Facebook. You see, before I moved away, I wasn't able to attend church regularly in over four years. Even less the last of those, due to working for a woman we called "Hitler". She flat out told me that if I restricted my availability to not include working Sundays, then I could forget getting 40 hours a week. I needed 40 a week--I still do!!--to barely get by financially in life. I would get maybe 4 or 5 Sundays off a year and those were usually for weekends I was going out of town! So I still didn't go to church.

I went through some really bad times in those years. Most of 2009 was spent in a deep, dark depression. I barely got out of it with my life intact. I was very angry with the world, and with God. I felt He'd betrayed me. I had been the Goody-Two-Shoes Super Christian Girl for my entire life, and yet I was never rewarded. We were taught that you do what you're supposed to because you're supposed to; because God said so--and not to be rewarded, but it would be nice to get some kind of assurance that what you're doing is right. And that included going to church. I often balked at that, even at the most Goody of my times in life. I never felt that I needed to go to church--I didn't need the fellowship, or social activity. My Faith was between me and God and I liked it that way. It wasn't anyone's business but mine. I hated talking about it, explaining it, or defending it. And I always thought that made me a bad Christian.

When I came out of the depression, I was changed. My relationship with God was strained and it was a long while before I could talk to Him. Eventually, that got better. When things around me changed--my job, my environment, my attitude--and everything became so much better, I felt so much more comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I was finally becoming the Me I'd always wanted to be. And I found that I liked having a church to go to if I wanted to, but that I didn't have that desire, still. It's nice to know it's there if I feel like I need to surround myself with those people, and the familiar old adages and precepts I grew up on. But for the most part, they're all a part of me already. They helped form me into Me.

Because I'm finally comfortable with Me and who/what I am, I've become more relaxed. I'm not as adamant and picky about everything. I am not hateful in my approach to life--and honestly, that's how I see some people approaching everything with their Faith held out like a bastion of RIGHT; whether they are or not...what happened to kindness and letting God be the judge?

I'm a Christian, yes, and always will be. I've seen too much, been through too much, to ever lose that Faith. It is a part of me; a basic, fundamental part of me, yes. It defines me to some degree, but I refuse to let it negate everything else about me.

How does this relate to my blog about being in the dating world? Well, I was brought up with the understanding that I could only date Christians. That was basically the ONLY rule my parents had about dating. And I carried it over into adult-hood. But I found that time and again, the boys would say anything to get a date and therefore, were conveniently always Christian. Not to say I had many dates, because I really didn't. It wasn't like I was turning them away because they weren't Christians.

These days? I want a Geeky man. One who shares all of my passions and can geek out over things--be it Sci-Fi stuff like my beloved Star Trek, or about being a Christian, too. But instead of it being a "rule", it's more of a desired-quality. I'm not as gung-ho about it as a requirement. I'm not so desperate to think that it's not important, it's just not the be-all or end-all. If that makes sense. If any of my blogs do, as I ramble along about my own brain's processes and zig-zags.

The bullying I mentioned before? My former Pastor was saying that I needed to get a local church, become a member, etc. The way he phrased it made it sound like what I was supposed to do was hand my life over to them to control. I balked again. I just don't feel the need to go as often as some people think you should. I did the most mature thing I could think or and just walked away from the conversation.