2019

It’s been an interesting year. In May, I had to have a hysterectomy. I didn’t want to have kids of my own; so this was fine by me. Plus the heath issues that lead to it: I’m much better now.

I had a friend who offered certain benefits. That was fun for about two months, but we agreed that when circumstances changed for either of us, it would be over. He was dating a lot and I knew the change was coming. Sure enough, he started seeing someone exclusively and we ended that. It’s fine, but our friendship changed drastically. He promised things wouldn’t change, but they did. He treated me like I was being weird; but he was being weird and it lead to misunderstandings, and an argument. He doesn’t talk to me like he did. And then he told me one day that I hadn’t known the real him; because he’d only been sad and depressed since I’ve been his friend. I replied that I hoped to get to know the happy version of him…but he doesn’t understand that I saw through the pain and depression and did see the real him. He’s put up barriers between us now and I may never get through again.

On September 9, I turned 40 and the very next day, I had a real surprise. HatesCats came over and we picked up where things left off all those year ago. It was wonderful, tender and sweet. Affectionate. In my heart, I knew this was likely to be a one-time event, though he spoke as if it wouldn’t be. Until last night. He suddenly tells me that it’s probably never happening again. I know he thinks he’s funny and clever, as our flirting comes and goes through the years…but it still hurt.

Behind all of this, Flannel Man is still around. And I still want to be with him, in every way possible. He’s struggling through the divorce and the insane legal agreement they’ve reached that adds another 1.5 years time to an end. Anything until then is just to occupy myself and try not to go crazy with my need to have him.

We are in denial about our feelings.